IT has been more than a year....

it has been more than a year... yet the event remains vivid in my memory... no matter how much i tried to forget about it.. the memories just flow back without invitation... up to this date.. i still have tears flowing down.. the wound inside of me.. was never closed.. yet i could still feel every itch of pain.. it has been around 4 months since he last talk to me.. thou he sent me a msg last month asking me about a medical condition.. seeing me only as a doctor... while i had to go through the pain of seeing his engagement photo.. i didnt know y.. y i had believed in him.. y i had believed in his words.. y i had trusted him whole heartedly... only to know.. only to be sarcasticaly shamed at.. only to be humiliated.. what i am going through is something u will NEVER know... i have enclosed myself up coz of u.. i have forgot what happy / happiness means coz of u.. i have learn not to trust..believe.. hope..coz of u.. i have fake all my smiles coz of u.. i have pretended to be strong coz of u.. yet.. all u rmbr was me hurting u.. coz u NEVER REALISED.. how MUCH MORE U HAVE HURT ME after that... how i have begged just to see u.. how i stayed up late just to get things done for u.. only to be said back that.. u didnt ask me to do it.. i will never forget how much u have hurt me on my birthday.. and i pray..u dont know and wont have to go through this struggle i am going through... thank you for taking out the best in me...something no one else will ever feel it anymore...

should i....

I dunno y im feeling so worried in a way... With palpitations..headache n dizziness.. I havent seen d online sign from him for two days... I just wanted to know..if he is orite... But i dunno if i shud msg him... Shud i???

when...

When wil i b able to hav a proper sleep?? When can i stop thinking... When can i stop worrying... When can i just leave... Im really so tired very very tired indeed... The sleeplessnites for so many months... The never ending flow of tears... The nwver less heartache... Why is it tat i still think of him daily without fail... Why does my heart still long for him... Why do i still miss him so much... When he has move on...when he is now happy wif someone else... When i have now become invisible... It is painful...really painful... When there is so many things i wanna tell u... Yet i choose not to tell u... So tat u wont suffer my pain... Glad everything ur doing is ur family... But i din know why all im doing is still for u... Til at one moment i still visualise u in my own house...our house... Yet i know its an imagination tat wont come true... In a while...u may not rmbr me anymore... But i will always love u... Thou i know u dont love me anymore.. To u...love is temporary... To me our love is foreva..

i juz wish

I just wish ur here .. I jus wish i have someone to hear my pain.. I just wish im not alone in this journey... I just wish u can wipe my tears... I just wish..u are stil my pillar of stength... Yet..it wont happen... It has been silent for this few days... N im supposed to get used to this silence foreva... The heart aches so bad.. The tears stil stream down... Thou it has already been almost 6months... Time will not heal me... Time only made me grow weaker... Time only made me realise i deserve it all... I jus wish its all worth it...

its about time...

Its about time tat dadwill shoo me away from home... He has finally said it tat he would hav jus killed me whemn i was a child if im behaving ike now i am... Wat ever im doing has been deem rude..useless n non appreciative... While he forgot all d things he had done to me... He forgot how he ruined my happiness... Heforgot how he humiliate me in front of my relatives... How he disgrace me to his colleagues. frens n relatives. Wat does he know about all d struggle im going thru... Wat does he know of d pain he made me go thru?? Wat does he know about d tears i shed daily for so many months n its stil flowing?? Wat does he know about me hurting myself for the pain he caused me?? He knows nothing...al he knows wat watever he has done n doing is always right...while i am always wrong... I really wish God wil take me away... Im tired living in this fake life... Even navin who says he wil help me through hs told me its difficult talking to me... I hope he doesnt know wat im going thru was becoz of him..his love tat i have n still believe n ...i always believe my will of staying alone wil b all worth it...holding on But then again...i have lost everything... wat is there to go on living....

painful indeed...

I dint know...all this while he think i was angry wif him... I wasnt n am not angry wif him.. I only realise he think of me this way...when he sent me tat msg saying i am always angry wif him... When i said i am not...he said it is difficult talking to me... It was like a deep stab into my non healing wound... I dint know i am such a difficult person... I only said things from my heart..which is also wrong... I really dont know wat im doing... He doesnt even know how tough im pulling thru... He doesnt even know how i force myself to live daily... He doesnt even know tears were stil rolling daily every nite... He doesnt even know i cant sleep daily..missing him so much... But the msgs he sent me...has finally spoken the truth i guess... I will not burden u anymore... U further made me realise i wasnt worth it to continue living... God..plz take me away...

i dunno anymore...

When u told me the other day tat u wanted to bring me out for dinner... My little heart was jumping with joy... The main reason was...i missed those moments... Thou i know it will b so much difference without u embracing me...without u feeding me... I still wanted to just hav a simple meal wif u... Thou i know i would actually have more tears than joy... But somehow i knew the event wont happen... I still ask for some confirmation... Yet when u said it will b with hold til u sorted it out... I knew it wouldnt tk place anymore... Yes..my heart crushed all over again... But i din wanna tell u but to said its ok... After all...i have to get used to b all alone... I knew u took the effort to call me to continue wif d plan... I really wanted to go...but i know it was not meant to be... It hurt me actually when u hung up... There were not even a goodbye... But i wasnt angry... I was just hurt... Thou u told me u said take care... I din hear it...but even if i hear it..i dint know wat it meant anymore... I really dont know wat im doing... All i know is...everyday i still have tears accimpanying me... Time will heal??? I doubt it will...when..its pain im carrying til i die...