how i wish i know..

hmmm...

too many things happened in the week...

or was it what happened the previous week..

lead to me being persistently so down..

persistently not knowing wat to do..

persistently letting myself down..

persistently mourning about how pathetic my life is..

the disagreement we had early of this week..

the anger that i caused u..

the lack of communication..

the phrase u said i am sarcastic and ego..

it hurt me so bad..

coz i didnt mean to hurt u at all..

didnt mean to cause u any anger..

yet..ur phrase made me think of lots of things..

was it cause of this..

ppl just abandon me..

ppl just alienated me..

ppl just took me for granted..

is it i dont deserve to be in this world..?

why is it that i feel i dont fit into anywhere..?

i treated everyone the same..

i help those who are in need of help..

i do wat is required..

yet..

im scolded at for things not my fault..

i was treated as if everything was my fault..

my dearest...

i dont know wat has been going on..

i just feel we are drifted apart..

more and more till i feel a gap..

i dont know if u feel the same..

there are many things i wish i can tell..

there are many things i wish i can share with u..

i just dont wana burden u with my problems..

i just dont wana hurt u with wat i am going through..

i dont even know if i deserve to be loved by u..

coz i feel i cause u so much pain..

i hav been causing u so much tears..

yet i hav been cying everynight..

i miss u terribly..

wishing u are always here with me

cause with u around me..

no matter how hard my life is..

i will always be able to get through..

but life have been so tough..

i feel like i have been mourning..

hmmmmmmmmm

will i be able to stand up again?

i dont know...i wish i know

when things were all against me...

last week..

was indeed a dreadful week..

learning the truth..

that i have always been an outcast..

i wasnt accepted..im just an unwanted piece..

that will be thrown/pushed away when im not needed..

it pains me to learn how i can forgive and forget how ppl hurt me..

only to be hurt again by the same ppl..

i guess i have been a stupid ass all this while..

while all this pain hurt me so bad...

the biggest blow was the conversation i had..

with ppl i love whom i thought will support me..

yet it was the opposite..

the words said.. the phrases said.. the sentence used..

was an indication that im not supported..

what ever im doing is NOT blessed..

is it wrong?

m i wrong to make my own decision?

dont i have a say in my life?

is it that my life gonna be pathetic till i die...?

i guess its a curse..

a curse that i cant be happy..

a curse that i cant have the best in life..

a curse that.. i will just leave on with suffering..

im really really tired...