a beginning of a new chapter..

30th june 2010...

when i saw the sms at 11am..

i was shock..

and i finally know..

what made me so restless since yesterday..

i wont say it as a nitemare..

more like i didnt expect things to be so fast all of a sudden..

yeah.. i received my induksi letter already..

induksi is from 5-9th july at Puteri Garden Hotel Klang..

and so..we are expected to know our place of work on mon..

and then..we will be reporting for work after back from induksi..

no more relaxing time..

no more hanging out time..

no more doing things i wana do now..

suddenly the pressure build up..

suddenly i felt the overly stress..

and feel so drained..so tired..

and suddenly the lost feeling came back..

it was only early of this week..

that i felt so lost..

i though i could let go easily..

but deep inside..it is harder than i expect..

i thought i was really that strong..

yet..i just feel something not right..

suddenly it cross my mind..

i still yearn to hear something..

is it that..i still cant let go..

but i know i have to..

since there is no ending...

and i certainly dont wana go thru..

the painful dreading moment..

a woman with value..

22nd June 2010..

today i met up with my 'special close fren'..

a person i've known for more than 7/8 years..

how he has changed over the years..

no doubt the journey he went through..

was something i wont be able to understand..

something i wont be able to feel..

coz..i am definitely NOT him..

but the 2 hours plus chat we had..

was indeed something i have to thank him for..

for being able to see i have lost my direction..

when i am not supposed to be..

for being able to challenge me..

for being able to dare me..

and most importantly..

for being able to see the inner me..

that i myself wasnt able to see..

thank you for making some sense in me..

i dont know what i am afraid of all this while..

i dont know what i am worried of..

i wasnt supposed to be lost..when the answer is so obvious..

i know what i should do..

but i just bloody hell dont have the guts to do it..

i thought i was brave enough to sense the changes..

i thought i was sensitive enough to know something need to be done..

yet it wasnt about me ONLY..

coz it involved two people to solve this..

it shouldnt even be a problem..

at least i know i did my best..

i aint gonna blame myself for anything now..

coz i REALLY did wat i could..

and i tried everything that i could..

it is the other person's lost..

yeah..indeed that person is too coward to face it..

and hence..no rights to say im not understanding..

from today onwards..

im gonna change..

to become a woman with value..

i aint gonna complain..

i aint gonna be childish..

i aint gonna let emo kill me..

i will gain back the respect that is due..

i will not let anyone anything to wound me that bad..

i will start loving MYSELF more than i should..

and i certainly gonna make a difference..

I WILL I MUST I SHOULD I NEED..

thanx to my dearest fren for being there and not giving up on me..

i love u for doing this.. THANK YOU SO MUCH..

am i just too naive??

it is the time when i dont know what to do AGAIN..

when i thought i had the answers..

it falls back to my weakness..

of caring about ppl i love and treasure..

everyone says its a lie..its just a saying..its just a game..

to bluntly tell me to move on..

to forget what ever that was told to me..

to never let myself be hurt again..

yet..

i just dont feel right to just go away..

when i know the other person is going through a bad time

coz i went thru situations all alone..

and i know it is not gonna be easy..

especially when the person's ego is so high..

and any help would mean weakness to him..

before the msgs..

i was praying hard to GOD to guide me through..

after the prayers..the msgs came..

was it a sign..or just a coincidence..

i dont know..i wish i have the answer..

and i simply hate making decisions..

yet i dont even know what i REALLY want..

am i just too naive???