mixed feelings...

Week of mixed feelings... Glad when finally the booking was made... Will b more challenging for me to getd money...tighter expenses.. But i hope it will b all worth it later on... Other than tat...im still feeling so stress up n irritated at home... At times i wish i wont b told of things tat happenened when im not around.. I wish bro is the one who iz listening to all these nonsense at home... Y must he b spared wif all this disturbing news??? Y must i continue listening to all when im already so disturbed n down??? I seriously dont know d purpose of me living anymore... The other day..mum told me something i just dunwanna answer.. She told me i should move on n get married... Tat also coz i told her navin was arranged marriage by his parents... I dont know if he is happy.. But i have a feeling he isnt tat happy... He is trying his best to make me move on.. But its really something i cant do... I really cant force myself from doing this...

weddings...

I just rralise i dont fancy going to weddings anymore... Seeing all d pre-wedding photos... Seeing the exchange of vows... Seeing the happiness in everyone faces... It breaks my heart again... Wif tears rolling down all over... Knowing it was something i hav dream on...but i no longer dream anymore... Knowing so much it was all tat i hav wanted... Yet i can NEVER hav it... I dont think u know wat im going thru biby... I miss u so so much...

worries...

I dont know y is my heart beating irregularly... Tat also coz navin told me he wil b going to kl yoday... I hav tought he is going thete tmr... I hope everything is all rite... N hopefully his business deals go smoothly... I kbow how worried he is when his business din go to well... With all d debts..n d not approved loan for long... I really wish i can help him... But then again... I cant even afford to get myself my own place...my own car...haih.. Wish money wil drop from heaven for both of us... I m really touched n thankful when he assured me he wil b there for me... But is it im so selfish to hold on... Even though he has moved on... Sigh... I really wish God take me away... To safe all the aches tat everyone is suffering coz of me...

disappointment...as expected...

Yesterday was d day i tot i wud have some hope.. A hope of owning my own place.. Someting im so desperate of.. I really need my own space... Im really suffocating daily.. But when i saw d condition of d house... Its really a total disappoinment... I cant imagine staying in such a bad state... Sigh...as expected..ady hav some bad feeling even before going... There goes my dream... Im thankful tat navin is helping me to look out for the houses... Something he doesnt hav any responsibility in doing... Yet i guess it is only him who understands y i desperately need a place of my own... Nevertheless... I dont even know if i shud still msg him... It breaks my heart daily to know he is not mine anymore... He may still care for me like last time... But in d end..one day he wil still leave me..n b wif his wife...his family... Im feeling like a third party...secretly msging him without anyones knowlwdge... I know its terribly wrong... Besides...he is not supposed to take care of me... Im not his burden..not his responsibilities ever... Tears still roll down daily...knowingall his plans are wif someone else... Thpu i cant still imagining life without him... I really dont look forward to anything... Knowing tat...in d end...i wil b alone throughout this journey... Wat does anyone knows about life when ur world came crushing down... Yet...everyday i stil think of him when i wake up n before i go to bed... Im trying not to msg him as much as i cud... Coz i know its not fair for his gf to know this...to know im stil disturbing him...when after all im d one who hurt him d most... When he asked me how come he doesnt feel guilty despite knowing i stil hav such strong feelings... The only thing i can think of is... He doesnt love me anymore... N he just laughed at it... The reasons i cant sleep is so simple... I miss him so much...so so so much... But i cant b telling him

tears all over again...

Sigh... The time when i thought my tears will stop flowing... Tats when the flow of years start pouring down all ovwr again... N this time my eyes are really painful.... God... i dont know if ur listening to me... But plz have mercy when u see me in tears daily... Plz have mercy to see tat im really pulling through very very hard... Plz have mercy to see tat this pain is really unbearable... Plz have mercy to see tat...i love him too much to let him know wat im going thru... My love for him has never change... N hence..if You have seen me in dis deep pain.... Please take me away... After all..he is safe n belong to someone else... Tat was all tat had mattered.. N if im hone...he wont have tat burden to care for a useless person like me anymore... God...i really really am tired... I dont hav the strength to pull thru...

foolishness...

Hmmmmm... Y is it tat the day goes by wif more n more pain... I teally hope to get a peaceful mind...peaceful sleep... Yet it seems to b one of the hardest thing for me to do... At times i really hope to just sleep n dont wake up anymore... As im really really really tired... My mind is really exhausted... My soul is stil lost out sumwhere... I dont know how ppl take break ups so easily... I dont know how ppl can just move on so easily... The main reason im finding this so hard is becoz its not something i wanted... Im forced into doing it... Thou i seriously wish i can turn back time... Instead of giving up..i shud have fought for it.. Coz it was..it is something i jave always wanted.... Y did i lose the battle wif my own emotion??? Y didnt i persevere??? Im one of d foolish person on eart to let go of my faith...my believe...my love...my world.... I seriously dont know how to move on this journey.... I dont know if he really understands wat im going through... After all..he has chose to move on as welll... While i am still holding on despite everything....

headache...

head is throbbing to d max... with d constant lack of sleep... lack of rest to my little tiny brain... i dont even know how im going to survive thru this... its really tiring... im really really tired... i really dunno wat else to do.. n at d same time i feel guilty for burdening my foreva dearest biby... i know he doesnt have any responsibility to take care of me... to b concern over me... yet i dunno wat am i supposed to do... i wasnt angry wif him... but i miss him so much...midsing all d time spent wif him.. something i wont hav d previlege doing again... coz he has belong to someone else... i really feel my brain gonna burst soon...

upset...

sigh... y is it tat memories of us just flow back each time i see his eyes... i didnt know why i was emotional all over.... had a difficult time to sleep ystrday too... kp thinking of navins mother... dunno y it hurts me more when i kp thinking of her... felt so guilty...regretted i din spend more time wif her but went to clinic...sigh i dunno when im gonna b emotionally stable...feels like i wont... feeling upset...really really upset... i really really dunno wats wif me... im just so very very tired.... but wat i have really wanted so badly is ... for him to hug me tightly for a long long time...telling me i wil b alrite...n let me just sleep in his embrace like last time... something which wil never happen anymore... n i deserve it... i wish i can hav a peaceful sleep... something i never had..for a long time...

emotionally...

today was d day...when my emotions are tested again... biby told me his mum wil b in pgh for her physio... thou he said its up to me if i wanna meet her.. but sumwhete sumhow i know he wanted me to meet her... i was planning my strategy.. i din wanted her to know it was an intenional meet... but i was pretty nervous.. checked the place a few times.. then when i finally saw her... i was lost in my words... shock...stunt..yet glad... i hav wanted to meet her just to see how is she... she asked me how i was... that was d time when i went tongue tied...din know wat to answer her... with tears slowly pooling... i hugged her like my own mother n there...crying without shame in public.. i hope i didnt hurt or scare her... but i hope she knows i din mean to hurt her in any way.. i cud see d pain in her eyes.. tat made my heart ache so badly.. knowing tat she had tears after tat..made me felt so bad..really really bad...

it stil hurts...

tiring mind...tiring soul...tiring emo... i wish everything was juz a dream.. a dream tat i dunno whether i wan it to become true or not.. im seriously so drained wif everything... i wish i will jus collapse n end the self torture in me... i tot i was going strong with his help.. but now i know y he din wanns open up... coz it was related to d marriage i wasnt in anymore... d heart felt d terrible pain all over ahain when he mentioned this... it hurts to know the wedding plan once u used to visualised..has actually crumpled... but now its not about me...its more about him...his happiness is so important... i shud b happy for him for he is safe with a better person than me.. but wat makes me sad when he kp saying of my partner..my kids...which will never happen....

hmmmm

i dont know y..i had a few blackouts late at nite..as if my brain was shutting down.. but last nite was d first nite i had a sleep without disturbance...deep sleep without nitemares after such a long time... i dont know was it becoz i finally met. my dearest biby after so long... or was it d hug that he gave me... a hug i long so much... or was it coz i know he still really care for me... thou i may seem to tell him im prepared to b alone... but in reality..im actually very scared... but i know its something i wil b doing without regrets... i din know why mum was so smart.. when she knew the person im buying d knee guard is for him.. i din wanna lie to her.. so i juz told her its for his mother.. i dunno if i shud tell her tat he has belong to someone else.. but i dunno y i din hav that courage to tell her so.. partly coz i dun wan her to worry about me... partly coz i dun wan her to kp telling me to open up when i wont.. i dont know y my heart stil doesnt feel good... i know he is troubled wif many things... but i know he wont open up to me as well... i really hope things wil improve for him..really...

courage...

I din know how come i had tat courage.. To tell him i wanted/insisted for him to hav d knee pad i get for him.. I also din now wat made me to hav tat courage.. To b able to meet him n pass d package... But when i see his face...his eyes .. Tears just came down all over again.. I had to leave at d moment.. I din wan him to see me cry... But he took d effort to find me wif his bike ..no..not his bike..someone elses bike.. Found me wif tears.. The 10-15mins session was more like him seeing me crying... I darent even look into his eyes... I duno y it was painful all over.. Im thankful when he gave me tat hug..his final hug to me i suppose.. But tears were streaming even more.. I dont know if i can stil talk to him thou he said i can.. Im stil lost wif everything.. But wat im sure is.. My decision to stay alone n not open up wil remain.. Coz no one can replace him in my life.. This sacrifice for him wil b worth it..i hope it wil...

why...

Why did memories of him keep flowing bk? Why did my tears start streaming down all over again? Why did d heart ache all over again... Why do i still miss him so much... Why cant i move on... Why cant i b so strong like him... Why cant i just snap n stand up again... I cant n dont know the exact answer..but all i know is i still love him n will always love him... I stil care n will always care for him... I held on..n wil stil hold on despite everything... Call me stupid..but this is my promise n life sacrifice for the person i truly love..

seriously tired

Im just tired...mentally...emotionally...physically...

weird feelings

I wasnt sure if it was a dream... But i rmbr i wasnt able to sleep.. But y is it there are some weird feeling tat im feeling.. Yet i dunno wat is causing it... I dont think there are anything left tat i din tell him.. But i know it was plain stupidity of me to open up again..when i shudnt.. But there isnt anymore else to lose...since i have lost everything... Im tired in a way..really really tired.. Wif the many days of crying...d heartache.. d pain.. Only to realise he was giving me tat ' i dont care a shit' attitude... Thou he said he cares...but it means nothing when i dont feel it..

choose the person u love..n love the person u chose...

choose the person u love..n love the person u chose... This was d sentence tat caught my attention during my clinic sesson in neuro clinic wif dr eow a wonderful neurologist wif such a kind soul...the short session with her really made me think back how stupid i was... Why did i let myself to b hurt?? Why did i waste my tears?? Why did i make my heart ache?? Why did i make myself suffer over something?? Her words caught my attention.. We cant change the past but we can plan for the future.. How she advised the patient of doing something without fear so tat he doesnt carry d regret to his grave.. Made me realise again... Yes i regretted d decision i made for breaking up for my parents... But i have told him wat i was going through n everything he made me believed n trusted which made me suffer so much of pain coz of his words...and so..i hav no regrets anymore...i hav told him wat are my feeling...wat are in my heart..i hav done wat i am capable of doing... he has made his decision as well..but i sincerely hope his current gf doesnt know tat to him falling in love is so easy...n to him love is temporary... coz it made me realise this is NOT wat love is all about.. the sentence choose d person u love n love the petson u love.. i will carrying on. loving him coz i chose to love him..its ok if ppl think im stupid but to me..i hav chose him.. i wont open up anymore coz i have given up on wat love is all about..trusting n believing in someone wil not happen again..coz i wil b the stupidest gal on earth to let myself to b hurt again... He said i dont give a shit to him when he was going thru such emotional period...but i was wondering if he gave a shit to wat i am going thru n will b going thru all my life... wat does i wil b thete means when it was only words but no actions?? My dearest biby... I may still love u...i may stil care for u... But i wont make myself suffer anymore coz of u... As u said i dont deserve u at all.. As u said u dont know y i came into ur life.. I hav since realise it wasnt love anymore... Love isnt temporary.. love is eternal.. It was u who doesnt know wat loves mean... But u have taught me valuable lesson... Tat is NEVER to open up..trust or believe anymore

its ruined...

I hav learnt tat life is just full of lies.. I will b d stupidest person to let myself being ruined.. But i hav to thank all d ppl who said they care for me.. Wat is care when all their actions are meant to hurt me?? Ppl who gave me nothing but empty promises... Ppl who simply like to use the 'sentence'.. I will b thete for u if u need me... If u really care for a person... U dont need to just b there when they need u... Arent u suppose to b there when they dont need u to? Not everyone is a drama queen.. If u really wanna b there for someone..u dont wait til ur asked to b there... So..its just bullshits saying u wil b thete but in reality ur not... Temporary is a word i learnt recently... I dont know y i believed everything n trusted everything... Only to b told it was temporary... But then i hav to realise this great teaching... Coz it made me realise theres no point to move on... After all...i stop believing.. I lost in faith.. I dont remember wat happy means anymore... Its already so painful knowing the person u love..believe n trusted no longer love u... Its even more painful to know when he question y did u came to his life?i Its ok he doesnt know all this pain im going thru coz of him... I have 'lost' my family... I have 'lost' a place call home... I have lost the person whom i wanted to spend my life wif.. I have lost the dream i was made to believe... I have lost the precious thing in me..in which i believed him to giv him to.. I have lost a future i thought i had... I dont need anyone to tell me time wil heal... Coz i wish time wil juz stop for me... I dont need anyone to tell me they believe i wil have my happiness.. When i dont even know wat happy means anymore.... I dont need anyone to tell me wat is love anymore... Coz i know love is just bullshits... Im living coz im living.. I dont look forward to anything coz theres nothing to look forward to.. Welcome back to the old self..full with darkness...loneliness..n bitterness.. Im only meant to live like tat...

loser...

Im really really really so tired... Loser suits me moat..when i hav list everything... The person i love... Ihe person who taught me all about love.. The person who was my pillar my strength..my heart beat...my soul... I believed everything he said.. I believed so much of wat he said... I believed he was who i hav wanted.. Yet he didnt realise he took the most oriceless thing i had... Yet wat he only rmbr was i left... But he didnt know i was holding on all d while.. i was not allow to speak.. i was not allow to talk yo him.. He forgot how i hold on when he left... He forgot how i hav trusted everything tat he said... He forgot tat he was my everythin... Y does he hav to make me believe in so many things...only to crash it down after tat... I din cheat on him...i always believe he was my only one after he corrected me tat he was my first bf but now..all left is me alone...i know it...how i wish i will die fast...real fast

wat is care...

I only meant to care...nothing else..... But y my small favour was being rejected..n questioned as if im gonna destroy him... I know very well i have lost him... He wont b back wif me... All i can do is to care for him... Is caring for him prohibited?? Is it wrong to care for him?? This further made me realise im alone in this journey... In which im losing my strength..n not wanting to live anymore... If anything happen to me... I guess no one bothers... not even him after all..he had moved on...

pretending..lying

I know i am jus lying to myself... When i told him he shudnt msg me.. My heart was more than ever longing to hear tat beep...to see his name on d msg list... I was lying to him..pretending i was strong.. Pretending to him i can move on.. Pretending to him i hav prepared to b alone.. But the truth is..i havent..i cant move on.. I stil wait for his lil msg... But i know it wont come.. I stil wait for his lil care.. Yet i know i hav pushed him away again.. I stil wish to catch a glimpse of him from far.. But i darent even step into d place im quite familiar... I stil wish i can meet him... But i know even if he sees me in tears... he wont offer me the hug which i long so much to have... A person who taught me so much about loving someone..is also d same person who told me love is temporary... Then y am i stil crying daily.. Y cant i breathe nowadays.. Y is my chest so heavy.. y is there a sharp pain inside

endless tears...

I duuno y..but tears are just streaming down as if theres no tomorrow... I dont know how im going to pull throughi know is...i cant msg him anymore.. he musnt know how much im hurt..he musnt know how devastated i am.. he musnt know im already ruined...now my tummy starts rejecting my food intake...nex wil be my eyes wif the constant tears..optometrist has warned me i can go blind..yet i cant stop d tears..wif my heart aching so much more.. i wish i hav tat stength to ruin the inner core tat kept my heart pumping or sedatives tat wil just shut my brain off.. i wish i can do it soon...

love is temporary...

I dunno wat im doing is wat i wan... I dunno wat im doing is right or wrong... But i just know msging him is wrong... After all im d one who has hurt him so much... Initially i was happy...a feeling i havent felt for so long... Yet an inner voice told me everything im doing to b in contact is wrong.. He has moved on with some one else... A person who for sure has better n fine qualities compared to me... A person who made him feel wanted..while i was the one who kept pushing him away i feel like a third party for msging him...a total big bitch is more like it... When he told me he wanted to meet me... My heart skipped...the old memories come bk... But nevetheless..i know its wrong...very very wrong.. I cant b possibily b seen wif him...not after he is seeing someone else... I know how hurt his new gf is going to be i have no rites in anything else anymore.. When i finally hav the guts to tell him tat he shudnt risk anything else for me coz im just not worth it... He replied...ok..it it was my decision.. I din know y tat answer added to d wound in my heart... I guess coz i finally realise something i was denying... It was NOT love anymore for me... I was in denial when he told me love was only temporary... I always believe true love last foreva n eternal... Tats coz i will love him til d end.. I wont promise to tk care... Coz i cant seem to b able to do so... Not after..u..my biby..my world..came crashing down... But i jus hope at least i wil keep u in me for eternal... May u b blessed til d end... U deserve it..