its sad

Its really painful daily... But he has been there for me despite all tat i have done... It breaks my heart ... Coz i know its wrong to do this... Yet y cant i stop msging him??.. Y is it tat im hating myself even more daily??? I really dont know wat else i shud do... Im lost in everything... He told me today not to ruin myself.. But i really dont look forward to anything.. It seems so empty...so dark.. N...i jus dunno wat else i shud do... I hav lost faith... I dont believe my prayers wil b answered... Im really pathetic....

my heart still ache so bad...

I dont know y i feel so wrong..
But i cant stop myself from replying..
Y i still look forward for his msgs..
Y does my heart still long for him..
Thou i know he has moved on..
Its not fair for him..his gf...
I feel like a bitch for behaving like this..
I shudnt hav blurted out..
Y y did i further hurt him more..
He is not supposed to suffer anymore coz of me..
He deserve d best in everything..
I jus feel like drowning myself...
Since no one bother about me..except him..
But then he already has someone else..
Im sure one day..he will eventually forget about me...who...
I seriously dont know wat to do...

poured out..

i didnt expect to receive a msg from him...
not after when he has moved on..
telling me all the things that had happened..
reminding me of all the things i have done..and how i left..
reminding me of how i pushed him away..
reminding me that...i was a fool to myself..
telling me that..love is only temporary..
while i still hold on to the love..i always tot..did happened..

i dont know why..
why did i pour out all..
the things i promised to keep quiet..
the things i promised he wont know foreva..
the things never meant for him to know..
im hating myself even more..
could never even think of forgiving myself..

the my only biby...
u are right...
u have moved on..
u shud hate me..
to make this easier for u..
after all i hav hurt u..wounded u and killed u...
its ok u dont know what i hav went thru..
its ok u tot i hav moved on..
its ok u tot i was simply strong and left just like that..
u were never meant to know how much im going thru..
u were never meant to know how much i was holding on..
u were never meant to know how i have tied myself to the ring..
but im sorry i blurted it all out..
im really really really sorry....

God certainly loves u more than me..
coz HE answers all the prayers i beg Him for u..
im just curious why didnt HE listen to my prayers for miracles..
im losing purpose in life..
now..im losing faith in everything..
after all...
i know the journey is all about darkness..loneliness..
i lost my sunshine..
i lost my moonlight..
i lost my rainbow...
basically i lost my world.....
tell me how i shud live..
tell me how i shud live..
just pray that HE takes me away...
at least if next time anyone asked u about me..
can just said.."o..she died"...

EX...

i dont know if he means this with all his actions of lately...but i feel it...bleeding all over...

more salt to the wound...

it was already so painful..
when i was told that he was already seeing someone..
why..why is it that i can still see his posts..
when he had already deleted me from his fren's list??
it was so so hurt...
to see him saying all those words..
calling other ppl sweetheart...
telling the other person how his heart melt..
telling the other person how she is the one that can only made him feel that...
wasnt this something u told me before biby??
how could u forget just like that...??
i dont know was it that u did this on purpose...
but it certainly breaks me even more..
when my soul already has been torn apart..

i can still remember..
u telling me how u cant picture ur life without me...
but now u made me feel like a fool..
coz u have already pictured ur life without me..
u have even told ppl u will be married nex year..
something u told me wont happen...

i guess its only me..
it has always been ONLY me..
who hav prayed...still praying..and will always pray..
not to be blessed with any other person...
coz u are someone i have wanted to be with for the rest of my life..
even thou u already hav someone new...
i dont think i can move on..
not after all the time we hav spent together..
with the memories so vivid..
like it happened  just ystrday...
the way u hugged me..the conversations we had...and everything..
i really really miss u so much...

its still pouring..

cried so much..
yet the tears just wouldnt stop flowing..
somehow mother nature seems to hear the tears..
with heavy rains once a while..
yet..i dont know when it wil stop flowing...

wat matter most to me..
has always been for him..
and will always b for him..
praying for him..
has always been my compulsory thing to do daily..
and will always be the compulsory thing to do..
i was told..time will heal..
yet i know it wont heal..
coz the scar remains even when i breathe my last breath..
i forgot the so many meanings in life..
coz..he is/ was my world..
and when it came crashing down..
it is beyond words...

i no longer bother caring for myself..
and i just realise..
i was indeed on and off sick many times the past few months..
but i really didnt bother much of it..
coz its a punishment to me..
as..i can NEVER forgive myself..ever...

one day..u will forget about me..my name..who?

valentine's day...
was a day all couples was looking forward to..
spending some really good time with ur loved ones..
yet i had only memories with me..
memories of the time spent with him..
how we had our time in the bowling alley..
watching movie..and most of all..we spent a quality time together...
my heart was aching..
as i miss him so much up to this day..
yet i can only keep it to myself...

however..16 february 2013..
after 2 months of no news from him..
he messaged me telling me..
he was match made with someone else..
and he is truly happy about it..
i am happy for him..
yet i dont know why..
my heart was aching even more..
my tears were rolling down like waterfall...
yet only me myself know how painful it is..

from the start..
he thought i was moving on..
it was best for him to think that way..
coz i know holding him beside me..
will only caused him more pain..more hurt..
all the worries..all the burden i put on him..
something i wish i dont have to see it on him...
when we met during his bday..
i was so hurt...seeing the tears in his eyes..
i hav so much wanted to just hug him..hold his hands..and wipe the tears away...
he told me before..
he was crying in pain...
yet..i dont have the heart to tell him..
i AM still crying in pain...
im glad his tears hav dried up..
while mine are still pouring down daily...

he told me before..
he might not be able to find someone else...
he told me before..he is not the type to just let go and be with someone else..
but knowing he found someone else..
i should be happy for him..
coz i pray and beg GOD to bless him with someone better than me...
yet why i feel so much more wounded..
yet why i feel so painful...very very very painful...

he said i should be happy...
but i didnt know what happy means anymore...
i hardly smile...coz i lost the reason to smile..
i no longer look forward to anything..
coz there was no reason to look forward to..
i wish i hav someone to support me..
yet i know i hav no one to even bother about me..
going back to my old self is the best choice..
since i hav prepared to be alone..
and loneliness..darkness have always been my best companions...
it was EASY for him to move on..it was only 4 months ago...
but i certainly know..it will NOT be easy for me to move on..
it may take years...or maybe a life time...
coz i know i cant call any other ppl with the affection i hav called him..
it was even more painful to see him calling others wat he had called me previously..
i cant have anyone treating me like he did..
and i hav prepared to NOT be with anyone else...
yet..he doesnt know anything about it...
the love..care..affection..understanding .he showered on me..
can NEVER be replaced...

i will continue praying for u.. my only biby..
ur happiness means a lot to me..
at least i now know ur happy with someone else..
i hope GOD will bless u with happiness always..
and hope everything goes smoothly after that...
one day..u will forget about me..my name..who?
it will be the best punishment for me...
for hurting u n causing u so much of pain...
that i cant even forgive myself..even though u may hav forgiven me..