2011

2011..

how time flies...

it was only a moment ago when i blog about the events in 2010..

how old i have become..(ouchie)..

1st of january..

it is the beginning of a new journey..

a journey which was harder..tougher..

n more challenging than i could hav imagine..

yet im glad im being supported all the way through..

without the special person..

i wouldnt know how my life will be..

it was also a month..

where i was visited by my dearie..and by two best buddies..

i was so happy to see them here..

the short lunch we had..

was really meaningful for me..

going through up and down in this special journey..

has indeed taught me many things..

at times..it was really painful..hurtful..

but the smile of happiness of the little little times we had was all it meant..

dont know how tough the journey will go on..

yet i hope i will be super strong to go through all the challenges..

working life..

from a 2nd posting HO..

i am now in my 5th posting..

i wouldnt say it was easy..

yet the lessons and teachings i had all the way..

made me who i am today..

meeting ppl that can make life a total hell for u..

really change u to be tougher..

however GOD has been good to me..

as i have also met really nice ppl along the way..

it was indeed encouraging moments when u hav a good working team..

helping one another to settle all the work..

going out for quick lunches..going out for dinner..

or sometimes just go hungry together-gether.. :)

as u become more senior..

expectations of MOs and specialists are higher..

being reminded to behave like a 5th poster..

being bombarded at times for mistakes not my fault..but coz im senior..

really felt so shameful..

when each time any of them raised their eyebrows..

when their questions are not answered by my rotten brain..

told myself each time need to study during my break day..

yet each break day is fulfilled with DESERVING break.. :P

it was also this year..

that i almost complete all the different types of posting..

i roughly know my interest..

yet im worried i am not able to cope with it later..

as im stress easily.. and a worry pot..

im thankful to have the support from MOs and specialists..

yet i guess i still need a tiny biny more time to think what i REALLY want..

this year also mark the 5th birthday of baby Joel..

my best companion to bring me around..

the journey we have went through..

since the time i was in Kota Kinabalu..

till he was shipped back to penang..

then accompanied when i came to ipoh..

and the list goes on..

though i am eyeing some other cars..

yet my heart is still with my beloved Joel..

no matter how ppl ask me to discard u away...

i dont think i will..at least not these few years..

before the year ends...

i just wana apologize to everyone..

for all the mistakes i may have done..

to hurt any of u indirectly and unintentionally..

for not keeping in touch with so many of you..

for missing so many meet ups..and gatherings..

special sorry..to all my frens who are married..

for not being able to attend all ur wonderful weddings..

hope that the coming year..

my schedule wouldnt be so tight..

so that i will b able to attend more functions..

before i become a non-existent species one of these days..

my resolution for the coming year..

earning more money :) ..

so that i wont feel too sakit hati during my shopping madness..

new car?? nah..dont think so..

studying?? yea..SERIOUSLY need to do so..

work?? hope to be able to balik kampung..

relationship?? praying for the best :)

friendship?? hope to make up for the things i have missed..

6-melur reunions?? hope to meet everyone after such a long time..

last but not least..

thanking GOD for blessing and guiding me through in all my obstacles and challenges..

MAY 2012 BE A GOOD AND GREAT YEAR.. WISHING THAT ALL OF U WILL BE BLESSED WITH GOOD HEALTH, GOOD WORKING OPPORTUNITY, GOOD DAY EVERYDAY AND MAY YOUR YEAR FILLED WITH HAPPINESS, JOY AND LAUGHTER !!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!

im sorry biby

my dearest darling..

many things happened in this month..

all this have seriously brought me down..

i didnt expect all of these to happened..

u wouldnt know how my world just came crashing down..

i wish u dont have to go through this bad patch with me..

u dont know how it hurt me to hear u cry..

u dont know how painful it is to see u in such a bad state..

yet u keep on supporting me and would go through all the worse scenarios

for me..

biby..it really hurt me..hurt me so bad..

im so sorry for hurting u many times

im sorry for disappointing u many times

im sorry for letting u down so many times..

i dont mean all of these to happen..

but i guess no matter how many times i have explained..

i guess it hav hurt you more than anything..

im grateful for the trip u made the other day..

it shows how much i mean to u..

it shows how much u love me..

it shows how much u care for me..

im really sorry that instead of fulfilling ur wish..

i disappoint u all over again..

u wouldnt know how much it hurt me to hurt u..

u wouldnt know how much i didnt wana argue with u..

i rather keep quiet and let u say all u want..

i rather keep the pain all in me..

wat happened..

made me think..

do i deserve a special guy like u..?

do i deserve a understanding and loving guy like u..?

do i even deserve your care and love?

you would do anything for me..

you would sacrifice so much for me..

but wat have i done for u??

nothing...

i know i dont need others besides you..

i know i cant love others beside you.

i know i cant live life without you..

yet i dont know if u know that..

for u biby ...

even though it was just a few days...

being able to spend time with my biby..

for some time in two days..

is more than enough..

although i wish i can hav more time with him..

but i think i should be thankful for what i have :)

the lunch at new world park was nice..

even though we had a short time..

i guess we made the best of it..

the food was not bad..

the environment though bit hot..

but watever it is..

the most important is we had our time TOGETHER :)

the nex day..

was the day both of us are looking for..

the long evening..

i wish it will NEVER end..

we had our memorable moment in the beginning of the dinner :)

it will indeed be a nice memory to laugh about later

we chose to sit outside so that we will have our moment together..

the food was not bad..but it would be better if there are more varieties..

but still the most important thing..

we had out time together :)

the slow walk in the garden..

the little time we had sitting at the Gurney 2..

it is really a moment i wish WILL NEVER END..

biby...

to the question u ask..

i REALLY dont know when was the exact time..

but the feelings slowly build up..

but i know the peak when i really know i love u..

was the day when i told u i darent start with u..

u may think that it was easy for me to tell u that at that time..

but it wasnt..

i cried out like anything..

coz i know not being able to be with u..

will be a chance i may not even had..

a regret that i will carry till i die..

thank you for waking me up from this crazy thought..

thank you for accepting me for who i am..

thank you for loving me as who i am..

thank you for supporting me all this while..

thank you for being there for me all this while..

thank you for being my biby..

im sorry that im not good at expressing myself..

im sorry if u feel that i havent love u enough..

im sorry that u feel insecure once a while..

im sorry that i hadnt have much time with u..

i just hope every little time we had..

was the best time we had..

i just wana tell u biby..

u have always been in my heart..

u will always be in my heart..

i love u will all my heart and soul :)

i wish u know wat is happening...

these few days..

i have been missing u so much..

i darent tell u the truth..

i darent tell u wat is expected of me..

i darent tell u how im asked/requested to give up..

i darent tell u how i pulled through everyday..

going against wat is expected of me..

holding tight to our dream..our believe..our strength...

yet when things just dont go on well..

both of us are overly stress..

both of us just burst...

yet i just keep quiet..

i never mean to hurt u in any way... i swear...

yet u feel i am pissing u off one way or another..

im sorry if u feel im doing this to u on purpose...

coz i just know..u dont know what im going through...

im sorry for all that i have done to u...

how i wish i know..

hmmm...

too many things happened in the week...

or was it what happened the previous week..

lead to me being persistently so down..

persistently not knowing wat to do..

persistently letting myself down..

persistently mourning about how pathetic my life is..

the disagreement we had early of this week..

the anger that i caused u..

the lack of communication..

the phrase u said i am sarcastic and ego..

it hurt me so bad..

coz i didnt mean to hurt u at all..

didnt mean to cause u any anger..

yet..ur phrase made me think of lots of things..

was it cause of this..

ppl just abandon me..

ppl just alienated me..

ppl just took me for granted..

is it i dont deserve to be in this world..?

why is it that i feel i dont fit into anywhere..?

i treated everyone the same..

i help those who are in need of help..

i do wat is required..

yet..

im scolded at for things not my fault..

i was treated as if everything was my fault..

my dearest...

i dont know wat has been going on..

i just feel we are drifted apart..

more and more till i feel a gap..

i dont know if u feel the same..

there are many things i wish i can tell..

there are many things i wish i can share with u..

i just dont wana burden u with my problems..

i just dont wana hurt u with wat i am going through..

i dont even know if i deserve to be loved by u..

coz i feel i cause u so much pain..

i hav been causing u so much tears..

yet i hav been cying everynight..

i miss u terribly..

wishing u are always here with me

cause with u around me..

no matter how hard my life is..

i will always be able to get through..

but life have been so tough..

i feel like i have been mourning..

hmmmmmmmmm

will i be able to stand up again?

i dont know...i wish i know

when things were all against me...

last week..

was indeed a dreadful week..

learning the truth..

that i have always been an outcast..

i wasnt accepted..im just an unwanted piece..

that will be thrown/pushed away when im not needed..

it pains me to learn how i can forgive and forget how ppl hurt me..

only to be hurt again by the same ppl..

i guess i have been a stupid ass all this while..

while all this pain hurt me so bad...

the biggest blow was the conversation i had..

with ppl i love whom i thought will support me..

yet it was the opposite..

the words said.. the phrases said.. the sentence used..

was an indication that im not supported..

what ever im doing is NOT blessed..

is it wrong?

m i wrong to make my own decision?

dont i have a say in my life?

is it that my life gonna be pathetic till i die...?

i guess its a curse..

a curse that i cant be happy..

a curse that i cant have the best in life..

a curse that.. i will just leave on with suffering..

im really really tired...

the nice time spent..

to my dearest darling..

thanx for making the effort to come over to Ipoh..

spending almost 2 days with me..

im sorry that i couldnt take a 'MC' for u..

to leave u alone in the room for almost 6hours really broke my heart..

im really really so sorry biby..

i just hope u had a great time with me..

coz i certainly treasure every moment spent with u..

the day when u were supposed to arrive..

my heart was skipping skipping..

every seconds waiting for u..

was such a dreadful moment..

but when u arrived..

i was so happy and glad..

all the moments of waiting just vanished..

and all i had in mind was..

how we will be spending our time together..

i am sorry that i didnt include u in most of the choices of eating places..

i just pick which ever i like and brought u there..

my first choice of movenpeak BBQ steamboat..

was becoz we both love this kinda meal..

im sorry that the meal didnt turn out to be so great

but just hope u enjoyed my company..

with all the grilled oil splashing on us..

the second day..

we had tosai and chicken curry..

it was supoerb..

how i miss that delicacy..

but i guess it was so much more nicer..

when i was having it with u :)

i really like the idea of not planning..

coz our plan of getting myself a new glass just wont work.. :)

but we had a really fun time watching the movie..

laughing out stresses out, feeding each other with popcorns and hugging one another...

i guess our best moments was when we had our so-called late lunch..

the almost two hours spent in 'josephine' was simply marvelous..

every second spent there remained vividly in my memory..

the nice setting.. nice food.. with slow songs..

it just made everything perfect..

o..how could i forget the best ever drink u had..hehe

even though it seems posh..

but it is kinda worth it all..

i seriously hope we will have the opportunity to be there again..

supper at paparich..

even though its just simple nasi lemak for u and curry koay teow for me..

the food seems tasty no matter where we ate..

was it coz we have each other as companion..?

im seriously sorry that we had shorter time on the third day..

we didnt get to have breakfast together coz i was rushing for work..

im sorry for leaving u alone eating all those choc bread, cookies..

but u werent angry at me..

which made me guilty even more..

the lunch we had in movenpeak was just so so..

was it caused we ordered the wrong thing..

or..both of us just felt the ache in our hearts..?

nevertheless the pudding was nice..

and spending the quiet afternoon with u..

with u right beside me..

was more than what i could ask for..

the last few hours..

the dinner at old town..

im truly sorry for shedding tears when ur about to go back..

i didnt mean it..

i seriously dont know why i have reacted in such a way..

i really dont know what got into me..

but it was really something i thought i can just hide..

i guess i was wrong..

at least u now know how i am feeling..

biby...

i dont know when we will have that special time again..

but each time we part..

our feelings are stronger as the day passes by..

just hope the day when i have that guts to open up..

telling everything to my family..

as hinting to them dont work..hmmm

Praying hard to GOD everyday to be guided through..

may HE continue giving us the strength to go through this hurdle..

love u darling...