just leave me alone...

it dawn on me that..

things were all about u..

when its my time to open up..

its either u shrug it off..

and took it as if it wasnt important at all..

and it made me feel so unimportant..

when the truth is..

im really struggling thru daily..

and having sleepless nites..

while u have the heart to tell me..

to continue sitting on the chair..

while u have ur sleep..

i've asked for some of ur 'time'..

just a few mins to share my worries..

but..i NEVER have the chance..

all i was doing was listening..

listening to all ur worries..ur unhappiness..

supporting u when ur making decisions..

thou deep inside my heart aches..

while..i can only talk to no one about mine..

keeping everything to myself..

and thanx for promising..

that u'll always be there..

coz u werent there...

u've changed after this few weeks..

u shrug off my meaningful msgs..

as if u didnt receive it..

well..ok...if this is happening...

i wont cling to u like im dependent to u..

coz i wont let u affect me..

as my future is at stake at the moment..

so..JUST LEAVE ME ALONE..

coz thats the best u can do...

the truth is...

i wish i can tell u the truth...

the truth that i dont want u to take the offer..

im contradicting what i talk to whats in my heart..

u noticed the changes in my voice..

but u didnt know that i was weeping..

tears of uncertainty..

tears of insecurities..

but i dont have the heart to tell u wats in me..

from the call ystrday..

i knew my worst nightmare will become true..

u were so excited about all..

i could sense it from ur voice..

i could visualise what u wana do..

u gave all the bad points or the unpredictable of ur current position..

and talking about the good points of the new position..

how can i have the heart to tell u to stay on..

coz after all im just a bystander..

i rather i go thru the pain all alone..

then to make u include me in one of ur obstacles..

u din realise when i ask u the details..

coz after all the counting..

i wont be able to see u..not even spend time with u..

coz u will be flying of not for 3 days, 3 weeks but 3 months...

when u come bk... i will be working..

not to mention..i dont even know where i will be sent to...

then..we will be separated all over again..

when we so badly plan to be together...

all the promises...all the plans..

it will just fly with the wind..

all long forgotten...

ur okay as long as im supportive of ur decision..

meaning if i dont...u wont be ok...??

meaning... u will only hate me if i stop u...

so..i'll just keep quiet..

after all... i dont know if u really think of me..

when u got the offer..

coz i made all my decisions since u came to my life..

but i guess...u will be happy with the new offer..

so..just go for it..

and just let me be all alone by myself..

like i always have been..

thanx for the temporariness..of everything that u have done for me..

fairytale....???

the call that i received today..

made me think of so many things in a few minutes..

it is a happy news for the person..

and i managed to say..'well, its a good opportunity and things happened for a reason.."

but im contradicting myself..

as deep inside,

my heart is aching..

coz i know my nightmare will begin

as soon as the person accepted the new offer...

tears flowed down freely..

when i think of the things that we have planned...

coz it will NEVER work anymore...

and distance has always been an obstacles..

short term sux..and long term is HELL...

so..will there be still a future???

i seriously darent think..

promises??? its only meant to be broken..

m i sad? devastated?

i would say.. yes..all the negative feelings are flowing back

even though there's no confirmation yet..

better prepare for the worst..

rather than keep on hoping for the best..

and putting too much hope..

will only cause me more pain..

not forgetting the few other stories..

that only mean to tell me..

my position is not guaranteed..

so..is it a fairytale after all???

Thanx for coming into my life....

even though it was just 2 weeks plus..

being ur 'best fren' was something so meaningful to me..

it was a different feeling..

a feeling i never felt before..

and u certainly..

bring cheers to my life..

bring happiness to my life..

give me memories that i have hoped for..

give me hope and wishes..

and believing in me..

it was like a dream come true..

n i certainly hope it will continue..

and im so looking forward to be be with u...

and thank you so much for being there..

accompanying me through my hard times..

and never give up on me...

it really means so much to me...and..

thank you for making me ur 'best fren' too..

thanx

5th March 2010..

if it werent for my outburst 4months ago..

i wouldnt have known the true meaning of being appreciated..

i wouldnt have known what it really means to be with someone u care..

i wouldnt have experience the care by someone that means a lot to me..

i wouldnt have realized it was a TERRIBLE mistake of a decision made 6months ago...

i wouldnt say that i regret making that decision...

as i learnt about so many things..

things, decisions and experiences that changed me..

to be who i am now..

we finally came to talk about it yesterday..

after all that had happened..

and indeed the decision made 4months ago..

was meant to be..

it wouldnt lead to anywhere any way..

so..

why keeping the hopes high..

why mourning over it..

why crying endlessly over it..

why cant i just let go..

FINALLY i did..

THANX to someone who is there...

who came to my life...

who is there when i least expected..

who is supporting me right from the start..

without me realising..

and even hating the person..

and even asking ppl to mark my words that it will not go further..

just because of words told by others and not knowing that person myself..

how stupid of me...

but the persistence of that person's action..

FINALLY caught my attention...

it is time that i stop all the mourning..

it is time i move on..

it is time i open up..

it is time for me to allow myself to have a brand new start..

(When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us. Helen Keller)

THANX for being there...