i dont know wat to do...

the past few days..

have not been a pleasant time for me..

i dont know what is going on..

yet i know something for sure..

i miss him so much..

my feelings has been at the lowish side..

yet the worst was today..

when he was so busy..

i darent text him..call him..

but waited for him from morning till night..

i dont wish to speak as if i dont wana talk to him..

yet i dont have the heart to tell him im down actually..

the thunderstorm i went thru alone..

the nitemare that made me so scared to sleep..

the call i received in the afternoon..

i was happy when he called..

yet now i dont know if he shud call or i shud have called back..

coz he thinks i dont appreciate it..

and thinks im unresponsive..

im sorry that i lied i wasnt crying..

when the truth is tears were actually rolling down..

im sorry that he thinks im dull..

im sorry that i werent there to comfort him..

but it made me think..

why did he ask me that question?

"Why is it that today u felt lonely?? what do u usually do before u met me??"

he has known the answer when he knew me..

yet the questions brought up memories that i tried so hard to push away..

coz he knows how hard i pulled through tat time..

but i dont know why he asked those questions..

is there something more he wanted to tell me...

i knew im at fault for not being understanding..

i wasnt there when he needed me..

i dont blame him..

i only blame myself..

yet i dont know y my heart is aching..

yet i dont know wat to do but to leave him alone for himself like he wanted..

and i just dont know what have i done wrong again...

it dawned on me again that..

is it that i seriously dont deserved a loved one in my life..?

coz it hurt me more to see them hurt by me but i dont know what i have done..

yet i always believe it is always my fault...

im sorry navin... i truly am..

My Surgery Posting..

if everything goes smoothly..

my last day in surgery will be this tuesday..

time indeed flies..

i could still remember vividly..

the first day when i reported duty in this dept..

feeling blury..feeling anxious..

starting fresh in a new environment..

meeting new colleagues..new MOs...new Specialists..

yet..it is always nice to see old faces as well..

especially nice seniors whom i have known since my first posting..

so..what happened the past 4 months..

ward work was a bit haphazard in the beginning..

coz probably i was too accustomed to cubicle system..

and i dont deny it was a bit hard to adjust at that time..

yet..as time goes by...

work was easier..more efficient

i like the fact that we are supposed to know every cases in the ward..

and it certainly helped when u are doing oncall..

working in the dept wouldnt be interesting, fun and enjoyable..

if not for the nice people i meet along the way..

from nice friendly colleagues whom we managed to work as a team..

to nice approachable and friendly MOs who guided us along the way..

to stern-looking but actually nice understanding specialists who also taught us along the way..

i could still remember all the times i had in OT..

feeling so excited yet embarassing when i cant catheterized the female patients.. OMG..

with the MOs and specialist shaking their heads..

really enjoyed all the OTs with different specialists and MOs

the time when i almost collapse while assisting..

the time when i was given the chance to do excision biopsy..

the time when i was allowed to suture and thought properly by the surgeon..

the time when i kinda dozed off when i assisted during oncall at around 5am in the morning..

it will all remain in my memory..

clinic time also have its own memories..

seeing patients till all of us are so drained and hungry

having demanding patients and relatives..

even though no doubt there are nice understanding patients as well..

i was lucky that i was able to have a chance to attend paeds surgical clinic..

in which i enjoyed so much..

coz the little handsome and pretty cutie babies are so cute..

i dont deny there are also baddy times in the dept as well..

being embarassed by specialist in front of my other colleagues..

who left me in deep hurt and tears in which i managed to control until i went back..

though i knew it meant well..yet the embarassment was kinda harsh..

meeting ppl who irritated me so badly..

meeting ppl who are so good at pushing responsibilites to others..

meeting ppl who landed me into deep trouble..

yet i dont hate these people..

yet i thank them for all they have done..

coz i learnt so many things along the way..

and to be a better person in the future..

sad and bad memories are best forgotten..

and i prefer to keep those sweet memorable events in me..

special thanx to all my fellow colleagues who have helped me along the way..

a big thank you to all the MOs..especially my fave best 3 MOs who have made my days in

surgery a better one.. in which i looked forward to come to work when im oncalling with them..

and also thank you to all the specialists who have guided me and taught me along the way..

im truly sorry for all the mistakes i have done..and sorry if i hurt anyone along the way..

it is certainly an enjoyable working experience in this department..

gonna miss so many ppl..keep in touch..

BIG huggies to all who have been there for me through thick and thin..