will it come true?

1st NOv 2009

it hit me suddenly that..
all this while i've been in denial..
in a state of dreamland..
in a state surrounded by hopes and dreams..
only to realise that things might not turn out to be the way i have hope for..
reality indeed suck to the max..
yet i cant run from it..
i just have to face it..
will this be my last time pouring my lungs out?
or will there still be nights that i have to go thru silently..
habouring on the hopes that will not come true??
i wish i will have a confirm answer..
i wish could have been done for me..
coz i really dont have the strength to carry on..
i dont have the power to move on..
i dont have the determination to hope anymore..
neither do i have the heart to continue holding on to the dreams..
and pretending it will come true..

what a crappy day???

28th october 2009..
its the day when things go bit haywire..
or should i just say not so well..
firstly...i owe someone an apology..
a realy NEEDED apology..
for wrongfully bursting when i shouldnt..
saying things that i shouldnt..
when i know it was meant well..
i have went thru times when i needed my own space..
my own space to think, to reflect or to cry..
but why didnt i understand when someone needed one?
or i was just overly worried that something might have
happened from the conversations we had?
that i got annoyed when i was ignored..
i dont mean to hurt that person by typing..
'i aint gonna care or bother'..
coz deep inside i still very much care and want to care..
thou i felt rejected or outcasted..
i know i cant leave someone alone when he/she is down..
the same goes for this person..
who meant so much to me..
who was there for me when i was low..
who has been supportive when i needed strength..
and i guess its time i stand by that person as long as it takes..

then...talking to another important person in my life..
suddenly reality hits me..
it was something that i fear..
but i didnt expect the person to share the same thought..
hence came the question..
is it right to even start in the first place..?
when the future isnt something we might have hoped for?
will we be able to handle the obstacles upon us..?
or we will just give up when its just to hard to handle??
the journey isnt something easy from the beginning..
yet im hoping i will be able to carry on with the combined strength and determination..

the third thing..
some ppl just talk without brains..
yet they think they are just damn smart..
buzz of idiots..yes i just have to use that..
coz its damn irritating and ur just nothing but losers...

i hope tomorrow wil b a better day..
for i havent been outbursting for so long..
and just hope some babies will be cheering me.
coz i needed some smiles to carry on..

there's indeed a difference...

25th october 2009...
just when i thought of letting go...
something just prop up...
and made me stay..
it was a drastic thing i did..
something that i NEVER do previously..
i didnt know how i managed to do it..
thou it wasnt easy, yet a bit worrying as well..
but it was a move that made the other person..
realised my worth and importance..
so..it was a bit worth it..
but i promised i wont do it again..

being ignored and not bothered..
was something i felt all these while..
probably the other person wasnt aware..
until i did the same and hence the pain was felt..
it was then that my presence meant something..
the silence woke the other person..
suddenly my words hit the other person hard..
as i REALLY meant business and not joke anymore..

its bit funny thinking about it..
thou at that time my heart was smashed to pieces..
it was 'thoughtful' how the other person managed to use the 'trick'..
of making me NOT ONLY reply to the msg..
but also make a long expensive call to explain what need to be done..
as it was 'someone's life that we were talking about at that time'..
anyway, the msgs was actually to get me to reply..
was to make sure i stop ignoring..
as my weakness of caring for ppl betrayed me at last..
i cant bear to ignore that msg..
as i would be guilty for life if the fren really was not well..
but when i called..i knew it wasnt that serious..
it was meant to get my attention..
and to listen to my voice..
and to apologise with a few sentences of explanation..
it was nice to be able to tell things out..
and make clear of doubts and disappointments..


2 days have passed..
there's INDEED a difference..
which touches my heart..
which made me smile when im down..
a few lines of reassurance..
with a few lines of warmness..
with a few lines of caring words..
which i hope is true..
which i hope will carry me on..
which i hope will give me strength and support..
and prepare me to move to a new path ahead..

should i just let go???

18th october 2009

it suddenly dawn on me..
that i have to make a decision..
a decision either to let go..
or hold on strongly..
on something that i wish so much..
wish it will turn out to be true..
but alas..
i cant deny that its falling apart..
i cant deny that im tired struggling through..
i cant deny that im lost in so many ways..
i cant deny that im frustrated with the waiting..
i cant deny that im just lying to myself all this while..

i've tried my best..
i've tried many ways..
i've sacrificed what i could..
i've tried to understand what i dont..
i've went thru the days being alone..
shedding endless flow of tears..
with high hopes..
with strong believes..
with determination..
somehow things will work out..

nevertheless..
im going down..
im losing my strength..
im losing my grip..
im definitely losing myself..

how long can i stand???

16th october 2006..
it was 10 days ago that i posted a post..
i was down, low and deeply sadden..
but there were some hope after that..
some hope that i look forward to..
some promises of reassurance..
some words that could still get me through..

but after 10 days...
it was the same thing..
the repetition of things that i went thru..
the same reasons i assume..
but this time..
its even worse than the previous time..
as i thought mutual understandings were discussed..
mistakes were noted..but still..it isnt improving..
and this time..im feeling so unwell..so breathless..so hard to get up..

then suddenly..i received a msg..
the person was admitted to the hosp..
i knew something wasnt right..
coz my heart doesnt feel good since last nite..
and know..its crying in pain.
coz i cant do anything..but to keep on worrying..
and ya..praying and praying..
that was practically something that i could do..
the distance is really draining me..i cant take this 'torture' anymore..
i just hope promises will be fulfilled..
and the all the plans will work..sigh...
it doesnt help when my breathlessness attacks AGAIN
and this time..its making me so weak..
emotionally, mentally and physically..
how long can i still hang on..???
is it all my fault???

the lowest moment that hit me at the right time...

6th october 2009...
it was meant to be a special day for a dear fren..
yet it turned out to be the lowest moment for this year..
being accused for things i didnt do..
not appreciated for things i've done..
taken for granted for things i've done..
and being fired back for overly caring..
that was something that slashed my heart..
not only into pieces..but its just gone..
i will NEVER forget that sms..
that stopped my heart for a few seconds..
and hit me to reality..
that im just alone all this while..
enough of the waiting..
enough of the worries..
enough of the being overly worried..
until it affected myself, my life and my future..

the second hit..
was the disappointment i thought i could just hide..
yet it was not only embarassing to be reminded of it..
it was TOTAL humiliation to me after 4 years..
i had no one to blame..
but myself..
for being weak..
for losing my focus..
for being overly lousy..
for not having the luck at the right time..
this time..i really went under..
i lost my strength..
i lost my determination..
i lost myself..

will i be able to stand up again.??
i hope i will..and i need to do it fast..
i could only pray for the best..
and i hope..at least someone out there..
will be kind enough to pull me back if i sway again..

my first paintball event..

4th October 2009 - it is the first paintball outing for me after all these years.. it was a nice experience to be shot..keke.. having one shot on the head was terrible..i was bit shock for a few seconds when that occured but then return back to the game..the first few games was ok but the last game was the best as there is no dead session, meaning u continue with the game even though u were shot how bad until the pellets finish..my target for the game was sheehan, my ex-group member who irritated me last nite..hehe..he was also preparing to shoot me..so we were both practically shooting one another..i was hit on the head first, but i think my next few shots hit him on his neck and body..ouchie..but then, i was attacked by the side by aldrin, my pupuk partner, who was hit once by me too..i was distracted from attacking sheehan as i was defending myself from aldrin who kept shooting and shooting..ish ish..no choice but had to surrender after my pellets finished.. it was indeed fun, yet not my head contusion is getting worse.. hope to be okay soon enough..

the first month...

today(4th oct 09) mark the first month of a special event..
if the words marked the beginning of if..
it was that day at 2.35am m'sian time..
when the msg came..
after days of uncertainty..
after days of playing 'mental games'

it was still a miracle..
it was still like a dream..
it was as if yesterday that we met..
it was as if yesterday that we spoke..
but it'll be a long time until we meet again..
that also if we will have the chance..
that also if GOD allows us to meet again..
that also if my prayers will be answered.
that also if my dreams will come true..


i dont know how things will be..
but i will not stop praying and hoping..
hoping that the strength will grow stronger..
hoping that miracles will happen..

unspoken words...

Unspoken Words
Author: Purva Bhatia

Words unspoken, but not unheard
Subtle gestures spoke more than words
Two hearts willing to love
in between many silent words.
Silence- etched deep in hearts,
Though extremely close, were miles apart
Restless emotions but wordless feelings
Words now lost their meaning.
Raging emotions desperate to be seen
Finding no way...mute they had been
But eyes not numb, they said it all
And in the unbroken silence, love began to crawl.
Words suddenly hovering, when eyes met
But the language of silence chosen instead
Not said but not quite unheard.
Between you and me, thousand unsaid words.

somehow..this poem reminds me of something.. hmm...

just to be with u...

i dont think u will ever read this..

yet i wish u will somehow came across this piece..

many things happened the past week..

with the news that made me weak..

when i couldnt get to u..

i keep praying that GOD will bless u..

endlessly i cried for ur safety..

praying and praying that u will alright..

it was during that moment..

i realised that i could just lose u anytime..

i realised how important u were to me..

i realised how the little short memories we had meant so much to me..

i realised how i needed u to be with me..

with the many disasters happening..

many are predicting the world is coming to the end..

i am not afraid of it..

but i am not gonna be happy either..

there are many things i wana tell u

there are many things i wana share with u

there are many things that we havent do..

will we ever meet again??

will we ever have the chance to talk again?

will we ever have the chance to even text again?

i wish u could give me more time..

i didnt ask for more..only a few mins daily..

but it seems impossible...

it seems to be a dream for me..

i wish u could see the struggle i pulled thru daily..

i wish u could feel the pain in me..

i wish u could understand the loneliness im going thru..

trying hard to smile to the probs i go thru..

trying to be strong to obstacles that slow me..

trying to ignore the pain that is drowning me..

i know u have more important things to do..

than even text me a few times daily..

yet i was stupid enuf to only ask for two daily...

when i wish i had more..

it was really enduring going thru the same routine..

when my only wish is to be with u..

just to be with u...