2011

2011..

how time flies...

it was only a moment ago when i blog about the events in 2010..

how old i have become..(ouchie)..

1st of january..

it is the beginning of a new journey..

a journey which was harder..tougher..

n more challenging than i could hav imagine..

yet im glad im being supported all the way through..

without the special person..

i wouldnt know how my life will be..

it was also a month..

where i was visited by my dearie..and by two best buddies..

i was so happy to see them here..

the short lunch we had..

was really meaningful for me..

going through up and down in this special journey..

has indeed taught me many things..

at times..it was really painful..hurtful..

but the smile of happiness of the little little times we had was all it meant..

dont know how tough the journey will go on..

yet i hope i will be super strong to go through all the challenges..

working life..

from a 2nd posting HO..

i am now in my 5th posting..

i wouldnt say it was easy..

yet the lessons and teachings i had all the way..

made me who i am today..

meeting ppl that can make life a total hell for u..

really change u to be tougher..

however GOD has been good to me..

as i have also met really nice ppl along the way..

it was indeed encouraging moments when u hav a good working team..

helping one another to settle all the work..

going out for quick lunches..going out for dinner..

or sometimes just go hungry together-gether.. :)

as u become more senior..

expectations of MOs and specialists are higher..

being reminded to behave like a 5th poster..

being bombarded at times for mistakes not my fault..but coz im senior..

really felt so shameful..

when each time any of them raised their eyebrows..

when their questions are not answered by my rotten brain..

told myself each time need to study during my break day..

yet each break day is fulfilled with DESERVING break.. :P

it was also this year..

that i almost complete all the different types of posting..

i roughly know my interest..

yet im worried i am not able to cope with it later..

as im stress easily.. and a worry pot..

im thankful to have the support from MOs and specialists..

yet i guess i still need a tiny biny more time to think what i REALLY want..

this year also mark the 5th birthday of baby Joel..

my best companion to bring me around..

the journey we have went through..

since the time i was in Kota Kinabalu..

till he was shipped back to penang..

then accompanied when i came to ipoh..

and the list goes on..

though i am eyeing some other cars..

yet my heart is still with my beloved Joel..

no matter how ppl ask me to discard u away...

i dont think i will..at least not these few years..

before the year ends...

i just wana apologize to everyone..

for all the mistakes i may have done..

to hurt any of u indirectly and unintentionally..

for not keeping in touch with so many of you..

for missing so many meet ups..and gatherings..

special sorry..to all my frens who are married..

for not being able to attend all ur wonderful weddings..

hope that the coming year..

my schedule wouldnt be so tight..

so that i will b able to attend more functions..

before i become a non-existent species one of these days..

my resolution for the coming year..

earning more money :) ..

so that i wont feel too sakit hati during my shopping madness..

new car?? nah..dont think so..

studying?? yea..SERIOUSLY need to do so..

work?? hope to be able to balik kampung..

relationship?? praying for the best :)

friendship?? hope to make up for the things i have missed..

6-melur reunions?? hope to meet everyone after such a long time..

last but not least..

thanking GOD for blessing and guiding me through in all my obstacles and challenges..

MAY 2012 BE A GOOD AND GREAT YEAR.. WISHING THAT ALL OF U WILL BE BLESSED WITH GOOD HEALTH, GOOD WORKING OPPORTUNITY, GOOD DAY EVERYDAY AND MAY YOUR YEAR FILLED WITH HAPPINESS, JOY AND LAUGHTER !!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!

im sorry biby

my dearest darling..

many things happened in this month..

all this have seriously brought me down..

i didnt expect all of these to happened..

u wouldnt know how my world just came crashing down..

i wish u dont have to go through this bad patch with me..

u dont know how it hurt me to hear u cry..

u dont know how painful it is to see u in such a bad state..

yet u keep on supporting me and would go through all the worse scenarios

for me..

biby..it really hurt me..hurt me so bad..

im so sorry for hurting u many times

im sorry for disappointing u many times

im sorry for letting u down so many times..

i dont mean all of these to happen..

but i guess no matter how many times i have explained..

i guess it hav hurt you more than anything..

im grateful for the trip u made the other day..

it shows how much i mean to u..

it shows how much u love me..

it shows how much u care for me..

im really sorry that instead of fulfilling ur wish..

i disappoint u all over again..

u wouldnt know how much it hurt me to hurt u..

u wouldnt know how much i didnt wana argue with u..

i rather keep quiet and let u say all u want..

i rather keep the pain all in me..

wat happened..

made me think..

do i deserve a special guy like u..?

do i deserve a understanding and loving guy like u..?

do i even deserve your care and love?

you would do anything for me..

you would sacrifice so much for me..

but wat have i done for u??

nothing...

i know i dont need others besides you..

i know i cant love others beside you.

i know i cant live life without you..

yet i dont know if u know that..

for u biby ...

even though it was just a few days...

being able to spend time with my biby..

for some time in two days..

is more than enough..

although i wish i can hav more time with him..

but i think i should be thankful for what i have :)

the lunch at new world park was nice..

even though we had a short time..

i guess we made the best of it..

the food was not bad..

the environment though bit hot..

but watever it is..

the most important is we had our time TOGETHER :)

the nex day..

was the day both of us are looking for..

the long evening..

i wish it will NEVER end..

we had our memorable moment in the beginning of the dinner :)

it will indeed be a nice memory to laugh about later

we chose to sit outside so that we will have our moment together..

the food was not bad..but it would be better if there are more varieties..

but still the most important thing..

we had out time together :)

the slow walk in the garden..

the little time we had sitting at the Gurney 2..

it is really a moment i wish WILL NEVER END..

biby...

to the question u ask..

i REALLY dont know when was the exact time..

but the feelings slowly build up..

but i know the peak when i really know i love u..

was the day when i told u i darent start with u..

u may think that it was easy for me to tell u that at that time..

but it wasnt..

i cried out like anything..

coz i know not being able to be with u..

will be a chance i may not even had..

a regret that i will carry till i die..

thank you for waking me up from this crazy thought..

thank you for accepting me for who i am..

thank you for loving me as who i am..

thank you for supporting me all this while..

thank you for being there for me all this while..

thank you for being my biby..

im sorry that im not good at expressing myself..

im sorry if u feel that i havent love u enough..

im sorry that u feel insecure once a while..

im sorry that i hadnt have much time with u..

i just hope every little time we had..

was the best time we had..

i just wana tell u biby..

u have always been in my heart..

u will always be in my heart..

i love u will all my heart and soul :)

i wish u know wat is happening...

these few days..

i have been missing u so much..

i darent tell u the truth..

i darent tell u wat is expected of me..

i darent tell u how im asked/requested to give up..

i darent tell u how i pulled through everyday..

going against wat is expected of me..

holding tight to our dream..our believe..our strength...

yet when things just dont go on well..

both of us are overly stress..

both of us just burst...

yet i just keep quiet..

i never mean to hurt u in any way... i swear...

yet u feel i am pissing u off one way or another..

im sorry if u feel im doing this to u on purpose...

coz i just know..u dont know what im going through...

im sorry for all that i have done to u...

how i wish i know..

hmmm...

too many things happened in the week...

or was it what happened the previous week..

lead to me being persistently so down..

persistently not knowing wat to do..

persistently letting myself down..

persistently mourning about how pathetic my life is..

the disagreement we had early of this week..

the anger that i caused u..

the lack of communication..

the phrase u said i am sarcastic and ego..

it hurt me so bad..

coz i didnt mean to hurt u at all..

didnt mean to cause u any anger..

yet..ur phrase made me think of lots of things..

was it cause of this..

ppl just abandon me..

ppl just alienated me..

ppl just took me for granted..

is it i dont deserve to be in this world..?

why is it that i feel i dont fit into anywhere..?

i treated everyone the same..

i help those who are in need of help..

i do wat is required..

yet..

im scolded at for things not my fault..

i was treated as if everything was my fault..

my dearest...

i dont know wat has been going on..

i just feel we are drifted apart..

more and more till i feel a gap..

i dont know if u feel the same..

there are many things i wish i can tell..

there are many things i wish i can share with u..

i just dont wana burden u with my problems..

i just dont wana hurt u with wat i am going through..

i dont even know if i deserve to be loved by u..

coz i feel i cause u so much pain..

i hav been causing u so much tears..

yet i hav been cying everynight..

i miss u terribly..

wishing u are always here with me

cause with u around me..

no matter how hard my life is..

i will always be able to get through..

but life have been so tough..

i feel like i have been mourning..

hmmmmmmmmm

will i be able to stand up again?

i dont know...i wish i know

when things were all against me...

last week..

was indeed a dreadful week..

learning the truth..

that i have always been an outcast..

i wasnt accepted..im just an unwanted piece..

that will be thrown/pushed away when im not needed..

it pains me to learn how i can forgive and forget how ppl hurt me..

only to be hurt again by the same ppl..

i guess i have been a stupid ass all this while..

while all this pain hurt me so bad...

the biggest blow was the conversation i had..

with ppl i love whom i thought will support me..

yet it was the opposite..

the words said.. the phrases said.. the sentence used..

was an indication that im not supported..

what ever im doing is NOT blessed..

is it wrong?

m i wrong to make my own decision?

dont i have a say in my life?

is it that my life gonna be pathetic till i die...?

i guess its a curse..

a curse that i cant be happy..

a curse that i cant have the best in life..

a curse that.. i will just leave on with suffering..

im really really tired...

the nice time spent..

to my dearest darling..

thanx for making the effort to come over to Ipoh..

spending almost 2 days with me..

im sorry that i couldnt take a 'MC' for u..

to leave u alone in the room for almost 6hours really broke my heart..

im really really so sorry biby..

i just hope u had a great time with me..

coz i certainly treasure every moment spent with u..

the day when u were supposed to arrive..

my heart was skipping skipping..

every seconds waiting for u..

was such a dreadful moment..

but when u arrived..

i was so happy and glad..

all the moments of waiting just vanished..

and all i had in mind was..

how we will be spending our time together..

i am sorry that i didnt include u in most of the choices of eating places..

i just pick which ever i like and brought u there..

my first choice of movenpeak BBQ steamboat..

was becoz we both love this kinda meal..

im sorry that the meal didnt turn out to be so great

but just hope u enjoyed my company..

with all the grilled oil splashing on us..

the second day..

we had tosai and chicken curry..

it was supoerb..

how i miss that delicacy..

but i guess it was so much more nicer..

when i was having it with u :)

i really like the idea of not planning..

coz our plan of getting myself a new glass just wont work.. :)

but we had a really fun time watching the movie..

laughing out stresses out, feeding each other with popcorns and hugging one another...

i guess our best moments was when we had our so-called late lunch..

the almost two hours spent in 'josephine' was simply marvelous..

every second spent there remained vividly in my memory..

the nice setting.. nice food.. with slow songs..

it just made everything perfect..

o..how could i forget the best ever drink u had..hehe

even though it seems posh..

but it is kinda worth it all..

i seriously hope we will have the opportunity to be there again..

supper at paparich..

even though its just simple nasi lemak for u and curry koay teow for me..

the food seems tasty no matter where we ate..

was it coz we have each other as companion..?

im seriously sorry that we had shorter time on the third day..

we didnt get to have breakfast together coz i was rushing for work..

im sorry for leaving u alone eating all those choc bread, cookies..

but u werent angry at me..

which made me guilty even more..

the lunch we had in movenpeak was just so so..

was it caused we ordered the wrong thing..

or..both of us just felt the ache in our hearts..?

nevertheless the pudding was nice..

and spending the quiet afternoon with u..

with u right beside me..

was more than what i could ask for..

the last few hours..

the dinner at old town..

im truly sorry for shedding tears when ur about to go back..

i didnt mean it..

i seriously dont know why i have reacted in such a way..

i really dont know what got into me..

but it was really something i thought i can just hide..

i guess i was wrong..

at least u now know how i am feeling..

biby...

i dont know when we will have that special time again..

but each time we part..

our feelings are stronger as the day passes by..

just hope the day when i have that guts to open up..

telling everything to my family..

as hinting to them dont work..hmmm

Praying hard to GOD everyday to be guided through..

may HE continue giving us the strength to go through this hurdle..

love u darling...

one year ago

looking through the photos and post by the current grads of the 4th batch of UMS..

the memories just flow back..

the happiness..the sigh of relieved..

we had indeed struggled through the years to be where or who we are now..

i could still remember vividly the time spent in uni..

the happy events..the tough events..the not so nice events..

all of that had indeed made life more colourful and challenging..

it is through past experiences that we improve ourselves to be better..

i cant help but smile when i saw the post by Prof Shahril..

" nasihat untuk doktor doktor muda (4th batch UMS 2011):

i.hormatilah guru kamu sampai bila bila

ii. kamu tidak akan mati jika bekerja kuat

iii. jangan terlalu berkira dalam soal kerja

iv. rawatlah pesakit kamu seperti mana kamu mahukan rawatan terbaik untuk ahli keluarga kamu sendiri.

v. hormati orang lain seperti kamu mahu orang lain meghormati kamu.

vi. kehidupan di dunia ini pendek sahaja; buat banyak kawan bukan lawan."

(prof..how come NO nasihat for us last time ??? :)

it is true that we should awalys cherish ALL who have guided us through along the way..

not only our lecturers, but also those patients who have been our 'indirect' teachers in a way..

i learnt a lot from patients from last time till now..

u wouldnt know that being nice and tolerant..

u will gain trust from them and the history changes TREMENDOUSLY..

from a small complaint, they will actually open up to tell u further histories..

which actually lead u to the actual diagnosis..

After working for almost 9 months..

everyday is still a learning experience..

u learn from everyone..

the most important is to know what u want in life..

a doctor used to tell us..

no matter how bz ur work is..make sure u learn a new thing everyday..

be humble to everyone..

medicine is about TEAM work..

always be humble to those around you..

u CERTAINLY wouldnt survive if ur an ego-maniac..

thinking that u could handle things all alone..

i dont deny that my 'facial skin thickness' has increased all these months..

but yet i wasnt upset about being scolded..

im more disappointed when i fail to perform my best..

it is always true that u wont die working harder..

but u will die if u have nothing to do..haha...

with so many HOs around..

there arent supposed to be many things to be done..

but yet..at times..many things were left undone..

that is why a good teamwork matters in this environment..

by treating patients as ur own family is certainly a good advise..

coz that is how u wan ur family members to be treated as well..

i could still remember vividly how many patients didnt mind waiting for me to tk their blood or to set lines..

and they thank u after that..but on the other hand i feel bad for poking them every morning..aiks..

the most important thing i learn throughout my working time is..

the importance of communication with patients..

and explaining to them what u are doing..and what u plan to do..

many think that it doesnt really matter..

but to them it means a lot..

it is a true comment from most of the patients that i have taken care of..

and i guess u wouldnt know how news travel among patients..

patients have their own gossips corner as well.. :)

they will only allow u to join in if u are close to them..

i can feel the excitement in my juniors..

those were the feelings i had a year ago..

going into a new chapter in life..

yet..many things have changed throughout the year as well..

am not sure if im losing my passion..haha.. (prof will certainly knock my head)

the DR title comes together with the word RESPONSIBILITY..

dont ever take ur work lightly..

working life is DEFINITELY different from student life..

seeing death almost every day in acute cubicles..

i learnt so much of the meaning of life as well..

all the best to the 4th batch of UMS..

enjoy your holidays to the max before working life starts.. :)

i dont know wat to do...

the past few days..

have not been a pleasant time for me..

i dont know what is going on..

yet i know something for sure..

i miss him so much..

my feelings has been at the lowish side..

yet the worst was today..

when he was so busy..

i darent text him..call him..

but waited for him from morning till night..

i dont wish to speak as if i dont wana talk to him..

yet i dont have the heart to tell him im down actually..

the thunderstorm i went thru alone..

the nitemare that made me so scared to sleep..

the call i received in the afternoon..

i was happy when he called..

yet now i dont know if he shud call or i shud have called back..

coz he thinks i dont appreciate it..

and thinks im unresponsive..

im sorry that i lied i wasnt crying..

when the truth is tears were actually rolling down..

im sorry that he thinks im dull..

im sorry that i werent there to comfort him..

but it made me think..

why did he ask me that question?

"Why is it that today u felt lonely?? what do u usually do before u met me??"

he has known the answer when he knew me..

yet the questions brought up memories that i tried so hard to push away..

coz he knows how hard i pulled through tat time..

but i dont know why he asked those questions..

is there something more he wanted to tell me...

i knew im at fault for not being understanding..

i wasnt there when he needed me..

i dont blame him..

i only blame myself..

yet i dont know y my heart is aching..

yet i dont know wat to do but to leave him alone for himself like he wanted..

and i just dont know what have i done wrong again...

it dawned on me again that..

is it that i seriously dont deserved a loved one in my life..?

coz it hurt me more to see them hurt by me but i dont know what i have done..

yet i always believe it is always my fault...

im sorry navin... i truly am..

My Surgery Posting..

if everything goes smoothly..

my last day in surgery will be this tuesday..

time indeed flies..

i could still remember vividly..

the first day when i reported duty in this dept..

feeling blury..feeling anxious..

starting fresh in a new environment..

meeting new colleagues..new MOs...new Specialists..

yet..it is always nice to see old faces as well..

especially nice seniors whom i have known since my first posting..

so..what happened the past 4 months..

ward work was a bit haphazard in the beginning..

coz probably i was too accustomed to cubicle system..

and i dont deny it was a bit hard to adjust at that time..

yet..as time goes by...

work was easier..more efficient

i like the fact that we are supposed to know every cases in the ward..

and it certainly helped when u are doing oncall..

working in the dept wouldnt be interesting, fun and enjoyable..

if not for the nice people i meet along the way..

from nice friendly colleagues whom we managed to work as a team..

to nice approachable and friendly MOs who guided us along the way..

to stern-looking but actually nice understanding specialists who also taught us along the way..

i could still remember all the times i had in OT..

feeling so excited yet embarassing when i cant catheterized the female patients.. OMG..

with the MOs and specialist shaking their heads..

really enjoyed all the OTs with different specialists and MOs

the time when i almost collapse while assisting..

the time when i was given the chance to do excision biopsy..

the time when i was allowed to suture and thought properly by the surgeon..

the time when i kinda dozed off when i assisted during oncall at around 5am in the morning..

it will all remain in my memory..

clinic time also have its own memories..

seeing patients till all of us are so drained and hungry

having demanding patients and relatives..

even though no doubt there are nice understanding patients as well..

i was lucky that i was able to have a chance to attend paeds surgical clinic..

in which i enjoyed so much..

coz the little handsome and pretty cutie babies are so cute..

i dont deny there are also baddy times in the dept as well..

being embarassed by specialist in front of my other colleagues..

who left me in deep hurt and tears in which i managed to control until i went back..

though i knew it meant well..yet the embarassment was kinda harsh..

meeting ppl who irritated me so badly..

meeting ppl who are so good at pushing responsibilites to others..

meeting ppl who landed me into deep trouble..

yet i dont hate these people..

yet i thank them for all they have done..

coz i learnt so many things along the way..

and to be a better person in the future..

sad and bad memories are best forgotten..

and i prefer to keep those sweet memorable events in me..

special thanx to all my fellow colleagues who have helped me along the way..

a big thank you to all the MOs..especially my fave best 3 MOs who have made my days in

surgery a better one.. in which i looked forward to come to work when im oncalling with them..

and also thank you to all the specialists who have guided me and taught me along the way..

im truly sorry for all the mistakes i have done..and sorry if i hurt anyone along the way..

it is certainly an enjoyable working experience in this department..

gonna miss so many ppl..keep in touch..

BIG huggies to all who have been there for me through thick and thin..

darling...

A good relationship isn't a game you play or an ego trip you take. It is about love and two people. Loving someone can give us the greatest joy we can ever know and it can hurt more than we can believe too. When it does not really hurt when that person did something disappointing to you, but really hurts when you see that person in pain and sadness, then you know you truly love that person.

Loving someone means you should be ready to experience heartache and happiness at the same time. That's the reward and that's the risk. Unless we are willing to experience it, we will never really know what it's like to love and be loved.

Sharing love is probably the most valuable and meaningful experience a person can ever have. And there's a difference between being in love with someone and loving someone. It's the difference between a love that's fickle, wild and short-lived and one that's tender and passionate, nurturing and lasts a long time. The first is easy. The second, the one that really matters to all of us, takes work -- because it's about keeping a relationship.

Loving someone takes efforts. We have to be able to communicate with each other.

Nobody can read anyone else's mind. We always presume that our partner knows what we think and feel. Maybe in time we might be able to predict or sense each other's thoughts but it's never perfect and takes time to develop.

Getting the chance to love and be loved by someone is blessed. Respect him/her for who he/she is, and not what you want him/her to be. Everyone is pretty and special in his/her own special way. No one is perfect. It is true love which closes the gap of imperfectness to form a smooth surface of acceptance for each other. True love sees and accepts a person for who he/she is. It is also true love which makes a person change for the better.

The power of true love to a person is undeniable.

A relationship needs commitments too. What is love without commitments from each other anyway? It's like principles and values. Everyone has them but they only mean as much as we are willing to stand for them.

The same goes for our commitments to relationships, and the person we love.

"Love is like an antique vase. It's hard to find, hard to get, but easy to break."

Every day everywhere, people fall in love...but just how many of these relationships are self-sacrificing love, and not just relationships which are formed only for the intense feeling of falling in love? I know hundreds of friends who say the magical words "I love you"... but more often than not, the truth is just -- I am IN love with you.

There is a difference between being in love with someone and loving someone. If a person says he/she is in love with you, he/she means that he/she likes you for who you are now and he/she fell in love

with you because of the present you.

This kind of love is temporary and lasts only as long as the fairytale lasts. When fairy godmother comes in at midnight to whirl us back to reality, we see the heartache of such a relationship...where both were only IN love with each other.

But if a person says he/she loves you, he/she means that he/she loves you unconditionally for who you are now, who you were in the past and who you might be in the future. When he/she says he/she loves you and really means it, you have to ask yourself if you love him/her too or if you're in love with the idea of being in love.

It is very hard to see the difference through logical thinking.

Let your heart guide you.

darling...

i am reading this msg even before u re-sent it..

the past 3 days had been hell for both of us..

we had threw tantrums and our frustrations at innocent ppl..

with simple mistake from me for trying to open up and share things around me..

bringing up the anger in u..

bringing up the pain in u..

that lead u to sent me that hurtful text..

using words that no one have used on me before..

i dont blame u for sending the msg to me..

but i cant deny that i was terribly hurt..

i know ur only doing this coz u love me too much..

nevertheless...

it is the 3rd time we are going thru this kind of situation..

3 times..u said u wana leave me so that i will have someone better..

yet u took back all ur words after a few hours..

and asked to be given another chance..

darling...

i just want u to know that..

u may think that i dont bother if u leave..

u may think that i dont care if u leave..

u may think im not looking forward to spend my life with u..

u may think ur doing a right decision coz u just wan me to be happy..

u may think i will find someone better than u..

u may think i can easily pick any Tom Dick or Harry to be my other half..

u may think i am not suffering as much as u do..

u may think i am not going thru any pain..

u may think u are not worth anything to me..

darling...

i know i have not open up to u as much as u are to me..

but i have my reasons of not doing so..

i love u too much to ever wan u to go thru pain with me..

i love u too much to ever wan u to share the burden im going thru..

i love u too much to ever hurt u..

most of the time u said i just keep quiet..

it is becoz by hearing ur voice..

it has already pushed away all my miseries..

most of the time u said i dont answer u..

it is becoz..sometimes i dont know the answer..

and most of the time u already have the answer..

Darling...

i may not be a person who knows how to express my feelings..

but i do know who u are to me..

i know only GOD knows how much u have pulled thru to be with me..

but i dont even know if GOD knows how much i have pulled thru to be with u..

u may think i dont put the effort in us..

but u dont know of how i try to make things work for us..

meeting ur mummy the other day was an example..

i can say i dont wan to meet her..

i can say i am not comfy..

i can say i hav other things to do..

yet i know i should meet her..

coz she is someone so important in ur life..

so is how important she is in my life..

u didnt know how crazily i went thru preparing to meet her..

u didnt know how nervous i was..

u didnt know how scared i was that she will dislike me..

but from the first time i saw her...

i dont deny i was shy..

yet i know she is like a mother to me too..

and i know she cares for me from the first look in her eyes..

Darling..

im not a person to share everything with anyone..

im not a person who easily trust anyone..

im not a person who has many many frens who will share my happiness..

only a few do..and these ppl are my true frens..

and by now..i guess u would have known who they are..

Darling...

God allow us to know each other for a reason or maybe reasons..

from the time we met..

from the time we hav seen each other..

from the time we have known each other..

from the little time we had..

it says a thousand word..

darling...

as much as i meant to u..

u meant too much to me too..

i wasnt angry at any of the things u said to me

i was hurt..i dont deny it..

but i know the reason why u did that to me..

it was simply becoz u love me too much to ever wan to lose me to someone else..

its ur ego instinct that said u will let me go..

but it is ur true self that wont let me go..

dont u ever realise that i never say of giving u another chance..?

coz u have already took the honour of being the locked person in my heart..

dont u ever realise i never say i am angry..?

coz i never was..

dont u ever realise that u have always been someone i have wanted to talk to everyday..

dont u ever realise that i tried calling u every little time i had..

dont u ever realise that this little little actions i do..

are answers that i never say to u..

Darling..

i dont know y..u would think i wan u to die..

coz u know how weak i am to handle this..

and i remember telling u..

hurting u would be killing myself..

if this is wat u think of me..

i really have nothing to say...

Darling...

i know u will be reading this..

yet i dont know how u will respond to it..

as much as how the silence kill u..

it has been disturbing me as well..

im terrible sorry for sending u wrong msg..at the wrong place..at the wrong time..

im terrible sorry for bringing out the pain in u..

im terrible sorry for doing this to u..

and im terrible sorry for not knowing how to xpress my love to u..

every smile i had without u around..

was a fake smile to cover the pain in me..

and only u know that..

i love u darling.. i truly do...

100th post

this will be my 100th post in this blog.. how time flies.. i didnt even realise i have posted up so many stories of things around me..so what will this special post about..?? it will be the events of the past one week...

exactly one week before this..

i was still going for last minute shopping..

really need to get new purse/wallet to match the new Coach bag bro got for me..

and to get myself one.. i need to get mum one too..

and then..of course..one more for dad..

i didnt realise that guys usually dont like ppl getting wallets for them..

thanx to Navin who reminded me..

telling me LUCKILY i didnt get him one..

coz wallet is something personal..

wat luck related... wat personality related..etc etc

was busily packing my stuff..

hoping i didnt leave anything that i wana bring back this time..

i tot i packed everything..

only to realised i missed out my external hard disk..ARHHHH

nvm...

weds.. really no mood to work..

IT is one day before CNY..

my soul at that time was already back in penang..

only my boring self was here..

after a quick morning round by the specialist..

off we went..after he so-called gave us the green light..

to go back as early as possible..

really ThANK YOU for giving us all these privileges..

and Thank You and Sorry to our other colleagues..

who had to work extra hard when we werent around..

it took me 2 hours to reach penang..

was partly speeding..

as both my eyes were pretty tired..

due to lack of sleep..and also the burning sun..

am glad to reach home safely..

and still managed to slot in my car for car wash..

back to home by noon..

and had a simple fulfilling lunch with family..

reunion dinner was fantastic..

had yee sang before the main dish..

after yee sang.. it is STEAMBOAT time..

im a superb fren of steamboat..

so..my eyes were actually blinking not stop :P

had a great time eating..talking and joking with my loved ones..

after dinner..it was last minute cleaning up..

had my NEW regular bed sheet..

but havent have new pyjamas after so many years...huhu..

must start my evil trick from now on..hehe..

right before the clock strikes 12am..

its 'paipai' time..

praying for good health for my loved ones..

and getting my angpows :)

1st and 2nd day of CNY..

were visiting relatives..

getting angpows..eating cookies and sweet stuff at ppl's houses..

was kinda tiring and so lack of sleep..

3rd day of CNY..was all about food..

had expensive lunch with sis-in-law's family..

and dinner..with my own lovely family..

and i decided to pay for everything..

as felt it is my duty to do so..

after ALL they have done for me..

4th day was a day i was looking forward to..

met 1 good fren.. 1 best fren..and 1 special fren

all have different roles in my life..

but of course..

meeting the special someone was something that touched my heart..

first time receiving flowers (roses) and love poem by my darling..

i was lost in my own thoughts when i read the poem..

even though the time spent was superb short..

i guess we maximise what ever we had..

and met again for breakfast the next morning..

was so hardy when we said our goodbyes..

as we both knew how much we gonna miss one another..

yet..sigh..thats something we both have to endure for GOD knows how long..

starting work was one hell of a time..

to moodless..the restless...the tiredness...

and just realised..

i will be oncalling on my hokkien chinese new year..

huhu.. but i will make sure i do wat i am supposed to do..

happy chinese new year to me and the rest of mankind who are celebrating this event...

love and huggies..............

memories.. :)

After the 2 fights we had..

it made me think of so many things..

why did we fight in the first place?

why did we behave in such a way?

why did we raise our temper?

why did we think that we are right in our own ways..?

the only reason i managed to think..

was the same reason u told me..

the 4-letter word that made us realised..

how important we are to each other..

the endless tears we shed for each other..

until the day u decided to call again..

and talked to me about how things have been..

i didnt know what made us patch up..

even though we both know that..

the journey we are taking..

will be full of challenges and obstacles..

we both know of the pain we might have to go though..

we both know of the suffering of longing we will have as the time passes by..

but why are we still persistent with our decision..?

ONLY GOD knows the answer to all of our actions..

the trip u made to Ipoh..

was indeed a sweet memory..

the time spent just talking to each other..

to clear all the misunderstandings we had for one another..

and the courage to open up about the past..

it means a lot to me..

i dont know when will we be able to have the time spent together again..

yet i know the memories during the wkend

will foreva stays vivid in our memory..

the only thing we could do is..

to pray harder and harder for US to work..

and to be guided through in watever ways that is best for us..

i dont mean to hurt u at all...

i know u wont be reading this..

thou i wish u would somehow..

i didnt mean to hurt u even a tiny bit..

yet i know i have hurt u to every bit..

i didnt mean to harm u in any way..

yet i know i have harmed u in every way..

i didnt know our journey will end so soon..

yet is it better than later?

i didnt know how things will be..

yet i know it was meant to be..

all day long i was sitting down..

daunting at the moment when this is about to happen..

and so it happened..when we are almost reaching 2 months of getting to know each other better..

i know u have hate me for everything that i have tried to explain..to tell u..

but u dont know how i wish u know what i am REALLY going through..

u are someone that had show me..

wat true love really means when i have given up hope of feeling one..

u thought me how to become a better person..

u cared for me for real..

ur thoughtfulness.. ur kindness.. ur love...

i felt it all so deeply..

that i thank GOD for allowing me to know you..

i thank GOD for bringing u into my life..

i pray to GOD i dont wat anyone else but you...

the day when u suspected me..

it wounded me..coz i didnt cheat on u in anyway..

i was just late in sending a sms..

yet it was s if a big sin was done..

i dont blame u for that..

coz it showed how u cared and loved me..

just as i was about to share about 'Us' with my loved ones..

how it breaks my heart when they werent supportive..

the remarks they gave me..

the words they used..

it wounded me so bad..

that i didnt want to share with u..

coz i NEVER mean to hurt u..

though i know with everything that we were going through..

it had hurt u bad enough..

as much as u love ur parents..

so m i..

how i wish i can go against their will for this..

yet i know there wont be blessing for US..

how i was told im a prisoner of my soul..

where i cant even make a decision for my self..for my own happiness..

wat a big loser i am...

i know u think i toy with u..

but the truth is..i was trying to make US happened..

i know u think i did this on purpose..

but the truth is.. i NEVER mean to hurt u in any way..

coz u know very well how i will be hurt for hurting u..

i know how u criticize me for not understanding wat loving someone is..

but the truth is i know.. i really love u and want to spend my life with u..

coz u have been part of me since from the beginning...

yet..the journey is too hard to continue..coz i dont wana further harm u..or hurt u..

i rather i suffer thru all the sufferings alone..

than to cause u more pain in the future..

i know u hate me now and foreva..

i know u will continue despising me..

i know u have discarded me completely..

i know u will NEVER forgive me..

but there a few things that i wish i had the chance to tell u..

the last conversation we had..

how u wished i will find someone else..

but u didnt know how i pray to GOD i dont want anyone else but u..

how u wished i wont contact u anymore..

how u wished i wont see u again...

those phrases torn me apart..

those phrases ripped my soul..

yet i dont blame u..

i deserved all the curse.. all the punishment..

for hurting someone so genuine like u..

i know i wont be able to find someone like u..

coz ur someone i wont hav the chance to be with..

thank you for finally telling me that u loved me..

i am sorry that u met me and being hurt by me..

and i wont forgive myself for hurting u either..

i dont know when the tears will stop..