sorry is the only word

7th november 2009..

two nites of torturing moments indeed..
but i cant blame anyone but myself..
if only i had open up and told him the truth..
instead of saying not gonna tell him anything..
making him so pissed..
so mad and outbursted..
but i have me reasons of not telling him of my fear..
fear of having CA due to my persistent changes..
all the symptoms were kinda accurate..
its just whether i shud get it confirmed..

i NEVER had any intentions to hurt him..
coz i know he had be so stressed up with his work..
and knowing how his dad is having sleepless nites..
and the struggle he went thru daily..
i realised he had changed from the last time..
but it was my stupidity for not appreaciating it..
coz i have expected more..
the stressness of my own share of problems..
the depression of what may have happened to me..
and everything that wasnt going right..
i dont think i will EVER be forgiven..
no matter how i regret..
no matter how sorry i am..
no matter how remorseful i am..

i have hoped for some extra care..
but now..emptiness is what left for me..
do i deserve it???
yes i do..for hurting somone i treasure and look forward to..

it will be a total ignorance...thanx to mysf...

5th november 2009...
when the level of stressness is too awful..
thats when my brain starts to do stupid things..
this time..i just dug my own grave..
i didnt appreciate what i have..
i wanted more than what i could have..
and to send drastic hurtful words..
for someone that meant soo much to me..
that meant a whole wonderful thing to me..
and to badly ripped the other's person heart..
till the person was so irritated, mad..
thats when all hell went loose..

i got my payback..
it will now be a TOTAL ignorance..
no more even few msgs per day..
no more early morning msgs..
no more goodnite msgs..
no more some words of comfort..
no more..it will be nothing..
i have no one else to blame but myself..
i dont deserve to have anyone..
and my life will just go bk to the normal depress mode..
that will accompany me to my tomb..

two months...

in a few hours time..
it will mark the two months of a special event..
an event which may change something..
an event which may change everything..
or it may not change at all..
no idea how things will be like for the many months to come..
but for sure..
the hope and dreams will still be there..
no matter how difficult..
no matter how long..
no matter how emo it will become..
if there's a will, there's always a way...