i dont know wat to do...

the past few days..

have not been a pleasant time for me..

i dont know what is going on..

yet i know something for sure..

i miss him so much..

my feelings has been at the lowish side..

yet the worst was today..

when he was so busy..

i darent text him..call him..

but waited for him from morning till night..

i dont wish to speak as if i dont wana talk to him..

yet i dont have the heart to tell him im down actually..

the thunderstorm i went thru alone..

the nitemare that made me so scared to sleep..

the call i received in the afternoon..

i was happy when he called..

yet now i dont know if he shud call or i shud have called back..

coz he thinks i dont appreciate it..

and thinks im unresponsive..

im sorry that i lied i wasnt crying..

when the truth is tears were actually rolling down..

im sorry that he thinks im dull..

im sorry that i werent there to comfort him..

but it made me think..

why did he ask me that question?

"Why is it that today u felt lonely?? what do u usually do before u met me??"

he has known the answer when he knew me..

yet the questions brought up memories that i tried so hard to push away..

coz he knows how hard i pulled through tat time..

but i dont know why he asked those questions..

is there something more he wanted to tell me...

i knew im at fault for not being understanding..

i wasnt there when he needed me..

i dont blame him..

i only blame myself..

yet i dont know y my heart is aching..

yet i dont know wat to do but to leave him alone for himself like he wanted..

and i just dont know what have i done wrong again...

it dawned on me again that..

is it that i seriously dont deserved a loved one in my life..?

coz it hurt me more to see them hurt by me but i dont know what i have done..

yet i always believe it is always my fault...

im sorry navin... i truly am..

My Surgery Posting..

if everything goes smoothly..

my last day in surgery will be this tuesday..

time indeed flies..

i could still remember vividly..

the first day when i reported duty in this dept..

feeling blury..feeling anxious..

starting fresh in a new environment..

meeting new colleagues..new MOs...new Specialists..

yet..it is always nice to see old faces as well..

especially nice seniors whom i have known since my first posting..

so..what happened the past 4 months..

ward work was a bit haphazard in the beginning..

coz probably i was too accustomed to cubicle system..

and i dont deny it was a bit hard to adjust at that time..

yet..as time goes by...

work was easier..more efficient

i like the fact that we are supposed to know every cases in the ward..

and it certainly helped when u are doing oncall..

working in the dept wouldnt be interesting, fun and enjoyable..

if not for the nice people i meet along the way..

from nice friendly colleagues whom we managed to work as a team..

to nice approachable and friendly MOs who guided us along the way..

to stern-looking but actually nice understanding specialists who also taught us along the way..

i could still remember all the times i had in OT..

feeling so excited yet embarassing when i cant catheterized the female patients.. OMG..

with the MOs and specialist shaking their heads..

really enjoyed all the OTs with different specialists and MOs

the time when i almost collapse while assisting..

the time when i was given the chance to do excision biopsy..

the time when i was allowed to suture and thought properly by the surgeon..

the time when i kinda dozed off when i assisted during oncall at around 5am in the morning..

it will all remain in my memory..

clinic time also have its own memories..

seeing patients till all of us are so drained and hungry

having demanding patients and relatives..

even though no doubt there are nice understanding patients as well..

i was lucky that i was able to have a chance to attend paeds surgical clinic..

in which i enjoyed so much..

coz the little handsome and pretty cutie babies are so cute..

i dont deny there are also baddy times in the dept as well..

being embarassed by specialist in front of my other colleagues..

who left me in deep hurt and tears in which i managed to control until i went back..

though i knew it meant well..yet the embarassment was kinda harsh..

meeting ppl who irritated me so badly..

meeting ppl who are so good at pushing responsibilites to others..

meeting ppl who landed me into deep trouble..

yet i dont hate these people..

yet i thank them for all they have done..

coz i learnt so many things along the way..

and to be a better person in the future..

sad and bad memories are best forgotten..

and i prefer to keep those sweet memorable events in me..

special thanx to all my fellow colleagues who have helped me along the way..

a big thank you to all the MOs..especially my fave best 3 MOs who have made my days in

surgery a better one.. in which i looked forward to come to work when im oncalling with them..

and also thank you to all the specialists who have guided me and taught me along the way..

im truly sorry for all the mistakes i have done..and sorry if i hurt anyone along the way..

it is certainly an enjoyable working experience in this department..

gonna miss so many ppl..keep in touch..

BIG huggies to all who have been there for me through thick and thin..

darling...

A good relationship isn't a game you play or an ego trip you take. It is about love and two people. Loving someone can give us the greatest joy we can ever know and it can hurt more than we can believe too. When it does not really hurt when that person did something disappointing to you, but really hurts when you see that person in pain and sadness, then you know you truly love that person.

Loving someone means you should be ready to experience heartache and happiness at the same time. That's the reward and that's the risk. Unless we are willing to experience it, we will never really know what it's like to love and be loved.

Sharing love is probably the most valuable and meaningful experience a person can ever have. And there's a difference between being in love with someone and loving someone. It's the difference between a love that's fickle, wild and short-lived and one that's tender and passionate, nurturing and lasts a long time. The first is easy. The second, the one that really matters to all of us, takes work -- because it's about keeping a relationship.

Loving someone takes efforts. We have to be able to communicate with each other.

Nobody can read anyone else's mind. We always presume that our partner knows what we think and feel. Maybe in time we might be able to predict or sense each other's thoughts but it's never perfect and takes time to develop.

Getting the chance to love and be loved by someone is blessed. Respect him/her for who he/she is, and not what you want him/her to be. Everyone is pretty and special in his/her own special way. No one is perfect. It is true love which closes the gap of imperfectness to form a smooth surface of acceptance for each other. True love sees and accepts a person for who he/she is. It is also true love which makes a person change for the better.

The power of true love to a person is undeniable.

A relationship needs commitments too. What is love without commitments from each other anyway? It's like principles and values. Everyone has them but they only mean as much as we are willing to stand for them.

The same goes for our commitments to relationships, and the person we love.

"Love is like an antique vase. It's hard to find, hard to get, but easy to break."

Every day everywhere, people fall in love...but just how many of these relationships are self-sacrificing love, and not just relationships which are formed only for the intense feeling of falling in love? I know hundreds of friends who say the magical words "I love you"... but more often than not, the truth is just -- I am IN love with you.

There is a difference between being in love with someone and loving someone. If a person says he/she is in love with you, he/she means that he/she likes you for who you are now and he/she fell in love

with you because of the present you.

This kind of love is temporary and lasts only as long as the fairytale lasts. When fairy godmother comes in at midnight to whirl us back to reality, we see the heartache of such a relationship...where both were only IN love with each other.

But if a person says he/she loves you, he/she means that he/she loves you unconditionally for who you are now, who you were in the past and who you might be in the future. When he/she says he/she loves you and really means it, you have to ask yourself if you love him/her too or if you're in love with the idea of being in love.

It is very hard to see the difference through logical thinking.

Let your heart guide you.

darling...

i am reading this msg even before u re-sent it..

the past 3 days had been hell for both of us..

we had threw tantrums and our frustrations at innocent ppl..

with simple mistake from me for trying to open up and share things around me..

bringing up the anger in u..

bringing up the pain in u..

that lead u to sent me that hurtful text..

using words that no one have used on me before..

i dont blame u for sending the msg to me..

but i cant deny that i was terribly hurt..

i know ur only doing this coz u love me too much..

nevertheless...

it is the 3rd time we are going thru this kind of situation..

3 times..u said u wana leave me so that i will have someone better..

yet u took back all ur words after a few hours..

and asked to be given another chance..

darling...

i just want u to know that..

u may think that i dont bother if u leave..

u may think that i dont care if u leave..

u may think im not looking forward to spend my life with u..

u may think ur doing a right decision coz u just wan me to be happy..

u may think i will find someone better than u..

u may think i can easily pick any Tom Dick or Harry to be my other half..

u may think i am not suffering as much as u do..

u may think i am not going thru any pain..

u may think u are not worth anything to me..

darling...

i know i have not open up to u as much as u are to me..

but i have my reasons of not doing so..

i love u too much to ever wan u to go thru pain with me..

i love u too much to ever wan u to share the burden im going thru..

i love u too much to ever hurt u..

most of the time u said i just keep quiet..

it is becoz by hearing ur voice..

it has already pushed away all my miseries..

most of the time u said i dont answer u..

it is becoz..sometimes i dont know the answer..

and most of the time u already have the answer..

Darling...

i may not be a person who knows how to express my feelings..

but i do know who u are to me..

i know only GOD knows how much u have pulled thru to be with me..

but i dont even know if GOD knows how much i have pulled thru to be with u..

u may think i dont put the effort in us..

but u dont know of how i try to make things work for us..

meeting ur mummy the other day was an example..

i can say i dont wan to meet her..

i can say i am not comfy..

i can say i hav other things to do..

yet i know i should meet her..

coz she is someone so important in ur life..

so is how important she is in my life..

u didnt know how crazily i went thru preparing to meet her..

u didnt know how nervous i was..

u didnt know how scared i was that she will dislike me..

but from the first time i saw her...

i dont deny i was shy..

yet i know she is like a mother to me too..

and i know she cares for me from the first look in her eyes..

Darling..

im not a person to share everything with anyone..

im not a person who easily trust anyone..

im not a person who has many many frens who will share my happiness..

only a few do..and these ppl are my true frens..

and by now..i guess u would have known who they are..

Darling...

God allow us to know each other for a reason or maybe reasons..

from the time we met..

from the time we hav seen each other..

from the time we have known each other..

from the little time we had..

it says a thousand word..

darling...

as much as i meant to u..

u meant too much to me too..

i wasnt angry at any of the things u said to me

i was hurt..i dont deny it..

but i know the reason why u did that to me..

it was simply becoz u love me too much to ever wan to lose me to someone else..

its ur ego instinct that said u will let me go..

but it is ur true self that wont let me go..

dont u ever realise that i never say of giving u another chance..?

coz u have already took the honour of being the locked person in my heart..

dont u ever realise i never say i am angry..?

coz i never was..

dont u ever realise that u have always been someone i have wanted to talk to everyday..

dont u ever realise that i tried calling u every little time i had..

dont u ever realise that this little little actions i do..

are answers that i never say to u..

Darling..

i dont know y..u would think i wan u to die..

coz u know how weak i am to handle this..

and i remember telling u..

hurting u would be killing myself..

if this is wat u think of me..

i really have nothing to say...

Darling...

i know u will be reading this..

yet i dont know how u will respond to it..

as much as how the silence kill u..

it has been disturbing me as well..

im terrible sorry for sending u wrong msg..at the wrong place..at the wrong time..

im terrible sorry for bringing out the pain in u..

im terrible sorry for doing this to u..

and im terrible sorry for not knowing how to xpress my love to u..

every smile i had without u around..

was a fake smile to cover the pain in me..

and only u know that..

i love u darling.. i truly do...

100th post

this will be my 100th post in this blog.. how time flies.. i didnt even realise i have posted up so many stories of things around me..so what will this special post about..?? it will be the events of the past one week...

exactly one week before this..

i was still going for last minute shopping..

really need to get new purse/wallet to match the new Coach bag bro got for me..

and to get myself one.. i need to get mum one too..

and then..of course..one more for dad..

i didnt realise that guys usually dont like ppl getting wallets for them..

thanx to Navin who reminded me..

telling me LUCKILY i didnt get him one..

coz wallet is something personal..

wat luck related... wat personality related..etc etc

was busily packing my stuff..

hoping i didnt leave anything that i wana bring back this time..

i tot i packed everything..

only to realised i missed out my external hard disk..ARHHHH

nvm...

weds.. really no mood to work..

IT is one day before CNY..

my soul at that time was already back in penang..

only my boring self was here..

after a quick morning round by the specialist..

off we went..after he so-called gave us the green light..

to go back as early as possible..

really ThANK YOU for giving us all these privileges..

and Thank You and Sorry to our other colleagues..

who had to work extra hard when we werent around..

it took me 2 hours to reach penang..

was partly speeding..

as both my eyes were pretty tired..

due to lack of sleep..and also the burning sun..

am glad to reach home safely..

and still managed to slot in my car for car wash..

back to home by noon..

and had a simple fulfilling lunch with family..

reunion dinner was fantastic..

had yee sang before the main dish..

after yee sang.. it is STEAMBOAT time..

im a superb fren of steamboat..

so..my eyes were actually blinking not stop :P

had a great time eating..talking and joking with my loved ones..

after dinner..it was last minute cleaning up..

had my NEW regular bed sheet..

but havent have new pyjamas after so many years...huhu..

must start my evil trick from now on..hehe..

right before the clock strikes 12am..

its 'paipai' time..

praying for good health for my loved ones..

and getting my angpows :)

1st and 2nd day of CNY..

were visiting relatives..

getting angpows..eating cookies and sweet stuff at ppl's houses..

was kinda tiring and so lack of sleep..

3rd day of CNY..was all about food..

had expensive lunch with sis-in-law's family..

and dinner..with my own lovely family..

and i decided to pay for everything..

as felt it is my duty to do so..

after ALL they have done for me..

4th day was a day i was looking forward to..

met 1 good fren.. 1 best fren..and 1 special fren

all have different roles in my life..

but of course..

meeting the special someone was something that touched my heart..

first time receiving flowers (roses) and love poem by my darling..

i was lost in my own thoughts when i read the poem..

even though the time spent was superb short..

i guess we maximise what ever we had..

and met again for breakfast the next morning..

was so hardy when we said our goodbyes..

as we both knew how much we gonna miss one another..

yet..sigh..thats something we both have to endure for GOD knows how long..

starting work was one hell of a time..

to moodless..the restless...the tiredness...

and just realised..

i will be oncalling on my hokkien chinese new year..

huhu.. but i will make sure i do wat i am supposed to do..

happy chinese new year to me and the rest of mankind who are celebrating this event...

love and huggies..............

memories.. :)

After the 2 fights we had..

it made me think of so many things..

why did we fight in the first place?

why did we behave in such a way?

why did we raise our temper?

why did we think that we are right in our own ways..?

the only reason i managed to think..

was the same reason u told me..

the 4-letter word that made us realised..

how important we are to each other..

the endless tears we shed for each other..

until the day u decided to call again..

and talked to me about how things have been..

i didnt know what made us patch up..

even though we both know that..

the journey we are taking..

will be full of challenges and obstacles..

we both know of the pain we might have to go though..

we both know of the suffering of longing we will have as the time passes by..

but why are we still persistent with our decision..?

ONLY GOD knows the answer to all of our actions..

the trip u made to Ipoh..

was indeed a sweet memory..

the time spent just talking to each other..

to clear all the misunderstandings we had for one another..

and the courage to open up about the past..

it means a lot to me..

i dont know when will we be able to have the time spent together again..

yet i know the memories during the wkend

will foreva stays vivid in our memory..

the only thing we could do is..

to pray harder and harder for US to work..

and to be guided through in watever ways that is best for us..

i dont mean to hurt u at all...

i know u wont be reading this..

thou i wish u would somehow..

i didnt mean to hurt u even a tiny bit..

yet i know i have hurt u to every bit..

i didnt mean to harm u in any way..

yet i know i have harmed u in every way..

i didnt know our journey will end so soon..

yet is it better than later?

i didnt know how things will be..

yet i know it was meant to be..

all day long i was sitting down..

daunting at the moment when this is about to happen..

and so it happened..when we are almost reaching 2 months of getting to know each other better..

i know u have hate me for everything that i have tried to explain..to tell u..

but u dont know how i wish u know what i am REALLY going through..

u are someone that had show me..

wat true love really means when i have given up hope of feeling one..

u thought me how to become a better person..

u cared for me for real..

ur thoughtfulness.. ur kindness.. ur love...

i felt it all so deeply..

that i thank GOD for allowing me to know you..

i thank GOD for bringing u into my life..

i pray to GOD i dont wat anyone else but you...

the day when u suspected me..

it wounded me..coz i didnt cheat on u in anyway..

i was just late in sending a sms..

yet it was s if a big sin was done..

i dont blame u for that..

coz it showed how u cared and loved me..

just as i was about to share about 'Us' with my loved ones..

how it breaks my heart when they werent supportive..

the remarks they gave me..

the words they used..

it wounded me so bad..

that i didnt want to share with u..

coz i NEVER mean to hurt u..

though i know with everything that we were going through..

it had hurt u bad enough..

as much as u love ur parents..

so m i..

how i wish i can go against their will for this..

yet i know there wont be blessing for US..

how i was told im a prisoner of my soul..

where i cant even make a decision for my self..for my own happiness..

wat a big loser i am...

i know u think i toy with u..

but the truth is..i was trying to make US happened..

i know u think i did this on purpose..

but the truth is.. i NEVER mean to hurt u in any way..

coz u know very well how i will be hurt for hurting u..

i know how u criticize me for not understanding wat loving someone is..

but the truth is i know.. i really love u and want to spend my life with u..

coz u have been part of me since from the beginning...

yet..the journey is too hard to continue..coz i dont wana further harm u..or hurt u..

i rather i suffer thru all the sufferings alone..

than to cause u more pain in the future..

i know u hate me now and foreva..

i know u will continue despising me..

i know u have discarded me completely..

i know u will NEVER forgive me..

but there a few things that i wish i had the chance to tell u..

the last conversation we had..

how u wished i will find someone else..

but u didnt know how i pray to GOD i dont want anyone else but u..

how u wished i wont contact u anymore..

how u wished i wont see u again...

those phrases torn me apart..

those phrases ripped my soul..

yet i dont blame u..

i deserved all the curse.. all the punishment..

for hurting someone so genuine like u..

i know i wont be able to find someone like u..

coz ur someone i wont hav the chance to be with..

thank you for finally telling me that u loved me..

i am sorry that u met me and being hurt by me..

and i wont forgive myself for hurting u either..

i dont know when the tears will stop..

it is time...

i shouldnt have browsed the page..

yeah..i did..

and then i saw something i knew was happening..

yet i was just denying it wasnt happening..

i shouldnt have let it get over me..

it has been 4months..

of ignorance..of silence..

i thought i was strong enough..

but indeed i wasnt..

i had a terrible outpour last night..

i felt the wound.. the pain..all over again..

i should have listened to my long lost fren..

yet i went against it..

so..its time i suffer the pain..all ALONE..

i dont know how long i will survive this tormenting period..

i cant tell anyone about it..

i have to swallow the painful FACT that i have concluded..no matter how bitter or hard it is..

i just wish i dont have to go through it again..

i am not strong as everyone think i was..

i am not a happy cheerful gal like everyone think i was..

i am just hiding all the pain in me..

only GOD knows how i am pulling thru all the days im here..all alone..im loz..spiritually, mentally.. and wounded..

i hope the memories can be erased..and i just wont think of it anymore..