i dont mean to hurt u at all...

i know u wont be reading this..

thou i wish u would somehow..

i didnt mean to hurt u even a tiny bit..

yet i know i have hurt u to every bit..

i didnt mean to harm u in any way..

yet i know i have harmed u in every way..

i didnt know our journey will end so soon..

yet is it better than later?

i didnt know how things will be..

yet i know it was meant to be..

all day long i was sitting down..

daunting at the moment when this is about to happen..

and so it happened..when we are almost reaching 2 months of getting to know each other better..

i know u have hate me for everything that i have tried to explain..to tell u..

but u dont know how i wish u know what i am REALLY going through..

u are someone that had show me..

wat true love really means when i have given up hope of feeling one..

u thought me how to become a better person..

u cared for me for real..

ur thoughtfulness.. ur kindness.. ur love...

i felt it all so deeply..

that i thank GOD for allowing me to know you..

i thank GOD for bringing u into my life..

i pray to GOD i dont wat anyone else but you...

the day when u suspected me..

it wounded me..coz i didnt cheat on u in anyway..

i was just late in sending a sms..

yet it was s if a big sin was done..

i dont blame u for that..

coz it showed how u cared and loved me..

just as i was about to share about 'Us' with my loved ones..

how it breaks my heart when they werent supportive..

the remarks they gave me..

the words they used..

it wounded me so bad..

that i didnt want to share with u..

coz i NEVER mean to hurt u..

though i know with everything that we were going through..

it had hurt u bad enough..

as much as u love ur parents..

so m i..

how i wish i can go against their will for this..

yet i know there wont be blessing for US..

how i was told im a prisoner of my soul..

where i cant even make a decision for my self..for my own happiness..

wat a big loser i am...

i know u think i toy with u..

but the truth is..i was trying to make US happened..

i know u think i did this on purpose..

but the truth is.. i NEVER mean to hurt u in any way..

coz u know very well how i will be hurt for hurting u..

i know how u criticize me for not understanding wat loving someone is..

but the truth is i know.. i really love u and want to spend my life with u..

coz u have been part of me since from the beginning...

yet..the journey is too hard to continue..coz i dont wana further harm u..or hurt u..

i rather i suffer thru all the sufferings alone..

than to cause u more pain in the future..

i know u hate me now and foreva..

i know u will continue despising me..

i know u have discarded me completely..

i know u will NEVER forgive me..

but there a few things that i wish i had the chance to tell u..

the last conversation we had..

how u wished i will find someone else..

but u didnt know how i pray to GOD i dont want anyone else but u..

how u wished i wont contact u anymore..

how u wished i wont see u again...

those phrases torn me apart..

those phrases ripped my soul..

yet i dont blame u..

i deserved all the curse.. all the punishment..

for hurting someone so genuine like u..

i know i wont be able to find someone like u..

coz ur someone i wont hav the chance to be with..

thank you for finally telling me that u loved me..

i am sorry that u met me and being hurt by me..

and i wont forgive myself for hurting u either..

i dont know when the tears will stop..

it is time...

i shouldnt have browsed the page..

yeah..i did..

and then i saw something i knew was happening..

yet i was just denying it wasnt happening..

i shouldnt have let it get over me..

it has been 4months..

of ignorance..of silence..

i thought i was strong enough..

but indeed i wasnt..

i had a terrible outpour last night..

i felt the wound.. the pain..all over again..

i should have listened to my long lost fren..

yet i went against it..

so..its time i suffer the pain..all ALONE..

i dont know how long i will survive this tormenting period..

i cant tell anyone about it..

i have to swallow the painful FACT that i have concluded..no matter how bitter or hard it is..

i just wish i dont have to go through it again..

i am not strong as everyone think i was..

i am not a happy cheerful gal like everyone think i was..

i am just hiding all the pain in me..

only GOD knows how i am pulling thru all the days im here..all alone..im loz..spiritually, mentally.. and wounded..

i hope the memories can be erased..and i just wont think of it anymore..

why..hmm???

its been a long time since i blog..

but i guess i just have to when i was asked a question..

which i myself didnt really know the answer..

why did i choose to do medicine?

or..why do i want to become a doctor?

money..DEFINITELY no..

status..OBVIOUSLY no..

to help others..maybe..

to serve human kind..maybe..

and the truth is.. i dont REALLY know the perfect answer for this..

honestly.. being a dr wasnt my first ambition..

until form 5 when suddenly something struck me..

which until now i didnt know what was the main factor..

which made me went through really crazy times in form 6..

only to be badly disappointed during my first application..

but i still didnt give up of that tiny hope..

and was blessed for the second chance given to me..

i certainly miss those days when im still a med student..

life was so nice that time..

u dont really have a responsibility..

u just go through the case notes and know the cases..

u try blood taking and branula setting..

if u cant get.."sorry dr..i cant get la.."

and then u just walked away..

NOW..

u cant say u cant take..

maybe once or twice..but u just GET TO SET OR TAKE..

especially when those blood will determine the management of the patient..

last time we just ask.."dr..can we observe?" for procedures..

NOW..im DYING TO DO PROCEDURES...

throughout my 3months plus..

i met many ppl along the way..

Harsh ppl..who are sarcastic..using all kinds of words and phrases to bring u down..

crazy ppl..who are crazily finger pointing at things which are NOT even your mistake..

tough ppl..whom u wont wana talk or even meet again.. after your first baddy encounter..

irritating ppl..whom u just had to avoid if u wana stay sane..

but certainly..there are also nice, caring and understanding ppl i met along the way..

i dont deny that i had my baddy down moments..

those were the days when i was hurt badly..

i lost my passion..i just hated what i was doing..

in which i sheded tears and looked at the mirror..

and asked myself.." is it i dont deserve to be a doctor??"

i was lucky enough that i have wonderful parents, family, frens and a few colleagues who are

supportive and knew what i was going through..

i owe them and appreciate them for being there for me throughout those tormenting moments..

but the most important thing that kept me going..

was a phrase from a fren of mine..

who told me..'u work for ur patients..'

which made me build up my strength a little bit..

there were times when patients just throw their tantrum at me..

they raised their voices at me even though i was doing my best for them..

i dont deny i was frustrated and disappointed..

but i guess my constant care and smile no matter how they scolded me..

just made them felt bad..

as they will apologise to me after that..

no doubt.. i cant understand how or what they are going through..

the pain, the suffering, the fear..

coz i definitely dont want to be in their shoes..

yet i know i JUST HAVE TO DO WHAT I COULD FOR THEM..

being in-charged of acute bay..

i came across collapses almost everyday..

sometimes twice/more per day..

till i am so worried..so scared..

about the ACTUAL fact that..

life is INDEED SHORT..

as i have seen with my own eyes..

how patients deteriorated SO FAST..

that nothing much could have been done for them..

despite being attended STAT..

only GOD knows how speechless i went..

it was very very challenging at that time..

coz one minute i was joking with the patient..

the next minute..the patient just collapsed..

i really couldnt swallow that fact..

and i have to be consoled that shitty things happened..(sigh)

so..i am happpy when the patients are happy..

i am happier when they are improving..

and i am happiest when i see how they progress from sicky..to be strong and healthy again..and

fit to be discharged..

it is more than enough when they say thank you for what i have done for them..

and i am surprised they thanked me for taking their blood every morning..

as i would have started cursing if im in their shoes.. :)

and i am even more surprised that some are so happy to just let me take their blood or line

setting :P

and..it touched my heart when their treated me..

from ice cream to fruits..it may not be xpensive..but its their thoughts that count..

THANK YOU..

handling family members..

is also another technique that one has to be skillful at..

everyone tends to get emo when their loved ones are sick..

definitely i cant blame them for being demanding at times..

yet i am so glad to meet REALLY understanding families..

despite being some VIPs..but they are just so humble..

i have met family members who were very appreciative for things u are doing..

and so..i have also met family members who made me being scolded even though things were not

my fault..

so..how i managed.. just stay positive and SMILE...

nevertheless..

it was sad week for me..

when i learnt about the passing away of a patient of mine..

who left a mark in me..

as he was a tough person when i first saw him..

even though wat ever he was going through wasnt easy..

but his spirit was strong and he was determined..

tears just rolled down when i knew he was deteriorating..

cause.. he was just a unique person whom i will always remember..

as he was the first ever person who almost wana wack the MO who raised the voice at me..

who was protective, easy going and fun to talk to..

who wouldnt burden us doctors and suffered his pain silently..

i managed to see him before things got really bad..

but still..it wouldnt be the same again for his wife and family..

hence..

i still dont know the TRUE answer why i am in medic..

partly was because i just wana help others with the knowledge that i gained..

to serve back to the community..

to be able to help and educate my loved ones also..

i am learning how to be strong everyday..

and to continue learning..

and to put a smile no matter how tough and tired i am..

coz it CERTAINLY make a difference to everyone who sees u..

and last but not least..

to pray daily to be guided through in every obstacles i am facing..

coz all these challenges have really changed me..

to be slightly stronger and tougher..

You're Not Sorry

"You're Not Sorry"

(Taylor Swift)

All this time I was wasting,

Hoping you would come around

I've been giving out chances every time

And all you do is let me down

And it's taking me this long

Baby but I figured you out

And you're thinking we'll be fine again,

But not this time around

You don't have to call anymore

I won't pick up the phone

This is the last straw

Don't wanna hurt anymore

And you can tell me that you're sorry

But I don't believe you baby

Like I did - before

You're not sorry, no no oh

Looking so innocent,

I might believe you if I didn't know

Could've loved you all my life

If you hadn't left me waiting in the cold

And you got your share of secrets

And I'm tired of being last to know

And now you're asking me to listen

Cause it's worked each time before

But you don't have to call anymore

I won't pick up the phone

This is the last straw

Don't wanna hurt anymore

And you can tell me that you're sorry

But I don't believe you baby

Like I did - before

You're not sorry, no no, oh

You're not sorry no no oh

You had me crawling for you honey

And it never would've gone away, no

You used to shine so bright

But I watched all of it fade

So you don't have to call anymore

I won't pick up the phone

This is the last straw

There's nothing left to beg for

And you can tell me that you're sorry

But I don't believe you baby

Like I did - before

You're not sorry, no no oh

You're not sorry, no no oh

a beginning of a new chapter..

30th june 2010...

when i saw the sms at 11am..

i was shock..

and i finally know..

what made me so restless since yesterday..

i wont say it as a nitemare..

more like i didnt expect things to be so fast all of a sudden..

yeah.. i received my induksi letter already..

induksi is from 5-9th july at Puteri Garden Hotel Klang..

and so..we are expected to know our place of work on mon..

and then..we will be reporting for work after back from induksi..

no more relaxing time..

no more hanging out time..

no more doing things i wana do now..

suddenly the pressure build up..

suddenly i felt the overly stress..

and feel so drained..so tired..

and suddenly the lost feeling came back..

it was only early of this week..

that i felt so lost..

i though i could let go easily..

but deep inside..it is harder than i expect..

i thought i was really that strong..

yet..i just feel something not right..

suddenly it cross my mind..

i still yearn to hear something..

is it that..i still cant let go..

but i know i have to..

since there is no ending...

and i certainly dont wana go thru..

the painful dreading moment..

a woman with value..

22nd June 2010..

today i met up with my 'special close fren'..

a person i've known for more than 7/8 years..

how he has changed over the years..

no doubt the journey he went through..

was something i wont be able to understand..

something i wont be able to feel..

coz..i am definitely NOT him..

but the 2 hours plus chat we had..

was indeed something i have to thank him for..

for being able to see i have lost my direction..

when i am not supposed to be..

for being able to challenge me..

for being able to dare me..

and most importantly..

for being able to see the inner me..

that i myself wasnt able to see..

thank you for making some sense in me..

i dont know what i am afraid of all this while..

i dont know what i am worried of..

i wasnt supposed to be lost..when the answer is so obvious..

i know what i should do..

but i just bloody hell dont have the guts to do it..

i thought i was brave enough to sense the changes..

i thought i was sensitive enough to know something need to be done..

yet it wasnt about me ONLY..

coz it involved two people to solve this..

it shouldnt even be a problem..

at least i know i did my best..

i aint gonna blame myself for anything now..

coz i REALLY did wat i could..

and i tried everything that i could..

it is the other person's lost..

yeah..indeed that person is too coward to face it..

and hence..no rights to say im not understanding..

from today onwards..

im gonna change..

to become a woman with value..

i aint gonna complain..

i aint gonna be childish..

i aint gonna let emo kill me..

i will gain back the respect that is due..

i will not let anyone anything to wound me that bad..

i will start loving MYSELF more than i should..

and i certainly gonna make a difference..

I WILL I MUST I SHOULD I NEED..

thanx to my dearest fren for being there and not giving up on me..

i love u for doing this.. THANK YOU SO MUCH..

am i just too naive??

it is the time when i dont know what to do AGAIN..

when i thought i had the answers..

it falls back to my weakness..

of caring about ppl i love and treasure..

everyone says its a lie..its just a saying..its just a game..

to bluntly tell me to move on..

to forget what ever that was told to me..

to never let myself be hurt again..

yet..

i just dont feel right to just go away..

when i know the other person is going through a bad time

coz i went thru situations all alone..

and i know it is not gonna be easy..

especially when the person's ego is so high..

and any help would mean weakness to him..

before the msgs..

i was praying hard to GOD to guide me through..

after the prayers..the msgs came..

was it a sign..or just a coincidence..

i dont know..i wish i have the answer..

and i simply hate making decisions..

yet i dont even know what i REALLY want..

am i just too naive???