for u biby ...

even though it was just a few days...

being able to spend time with my biby..

for some time in two days..

is more than enough..

although i wish i can hav more time with him..

but i think i should be thankful for what i have :)

the lunch at new world park was nice..

even though we had a short time..

i guess we made the best of it..

the food was not bad..

the environment though bit hot..

but watever it is..

the most important is we had our time TOGETHER :)

the nex day..

was the day both of us are looking for..

the long evening..

i wish it will NEVER end..

we had our memorable moment in the beginning of the dinner :)

it will indeed be a nice memory to laugh about later

we chose to sit outside so that we will have our moment together..

the food was not bad..but it would be better if there are more varieties..

but still the most important thing..

we had out time together :)

the slow walk in the garden..

the little time we had sitting at the Gurney 2..

it is really a moment i wish WILL NEVER END..

biby...

to the question u ask..

i REALLY dont know when was the exact time..

but the feelings slowly build up..

but i know the peak when i really know i love u..

was the day when i told u i darent start with u..

u may think that it was easy for me to tell u that at that time..

but it wasnt..

i cried out like anything..

coz i know not being able to be with u..

will be a chance i may not even had..

a regret that i will carry till i die..

thank you for waking me up from this crazy thought..

thank you for accepting me for who i am..

thank you for loving me as who i am..

thank you for supporting me all this while..

thank you for being there for me all this while..

thank you for being my biby..

im sorry that im not good at expressing myself..

im sorry if u feel that i havent love u enough..

im sorry that u feel insecure once a while..

im sorry that i hadnt have much time with u..

i just hope every little time we had..

was the best time we had..

i just wana tell u biby..

u have always been in my heart..

u will always be in my heart..

i love u will all my heart and soul :)

i wish u know wat is happening...

these few days..

i have been missing u so much..

i darent tell u the truth..

i darent tell u wat is expected of me..

i darent tell u how im asked/requested to give up..

i darent tell u how i pulled through everyday..

going against wat is expected of me..

holding tight to our dream..our believe..our strength...

yet when things just dont go on well..

both of us are overly stress..

both of us just burst...

yet i just keep quiet..

i never mean to hurt u in any way... i swear...

yet u feel i am pissing u off one way or another..

im sorry if u feel im doing this to u on purpose...

coz i just know..u dont know what im going through...

im sorry for all that i have done to u...

how i wish i know..

hmmm...

too many things happened in the week...

or was it what happened the previous week..

lead to me being persistently so down..

persistently not knowing wat to do..

persistently letting myself down..

persistently mourning about how pathetic my life is..

the disagreement we had early of this week..

the anger that i caused u..

the lack of communication..

the phrase u said i am sarcastic and ego..

it hurt me so bad..

coz i didnt mean to hurt u at all..

didnt mean to cause u any anger..

yet..ur phrase made me think of lots of things..

was it cause of this..

ppl just abandon me..

ppl just alienated me..

ppl just took me for granted..

is it i dont deserve to be in this world..?

why is it that i feel i dont fit into anywhere..?

i treated everyone the same..

i help those who are in need of help..

i do wat is required..

yet..

im scolded at for things not my fault..

i was treated as if everything was my fault..

my dearest...

i dont know wat has been going on..

i just feel we are drifted apart..

more and more till i feel a gap..

i dont know if u feel the same..

there are many things i wish i can tell..

there are many things i wish i can share with u..

i just dont wana burden u with my problems..

i just dont wana hurt u with wat i am going through..

i dont even know if i deserve to be loved by u..

coz i feel i cause u so much pain..

i hav been causing u so much tears..

yet i hav been cying everynight..

i miss u terribly..

wishing u are always here with me

cause with u around me..

no matter how hard my life is..

i will always be able to get through..

but life have been so tough..

i feel like i have been mourning..

hmmmmmmmmm

will i be able to stand up again?

i dont know...i wish i know

when things were all against me...

last week..

was indeed a dreadful week..

learning the truth..

that i have always been an outcast..

i wasnt accepted..im just an unwanted piece..

that will be thrown/pushed away when im not needed..

it pains me to learn how i can forgive and forget how ppl hurt me..

only to be hurt again by the same ppl..

i guess i have been a stupid ass all this while..

while all this pain hurt me so bad...

the biggest blow was the conversation i had..

with ppl i love whom i thought will support me..

yet it was the opposite..

the words said.. the phrases said.. the sentence used..

was an indication that im not supported..

what ever im doing is NOT blessed..

is it wrong?

m i wrong to make my own decision?

dont i have a say in my life?

is it that my life gonna be pathetic till i die...?

i guess its a curse..

a curse that i cant be happy..

a curse that i cant have the best in life..

a curse that.. i will just leave on with suffering..

im really really tired...

the nice time spent..

to my dearest darling..

thanx for making the effort to come over to Ipoh..

spending almost 2 days with me..

im sorry that i couldnt take a 'MC' for u..

to leave u alone in the room for almost 6hours really broke my heart..

im really really so sorry biby..

i just hope u had a great time with me..

coz i certainly treasure every moment spent with u..

the day when u were supposed to arrive..

my heart was skipping skipping..

every seconds waiting for u..

was such a dreadful moment..

but when u arrived..

i was so happy and glad..

all the moments of waiting just vanished..

and all i had in mind was..

how we will be spending our time together..

i am sorry that i didnt include u in most of the choices of eating places..

i just pick which ever i like and brought u there..

my first choice of movenpeak BBQ steamboat..

was becoz we both love this kinda meal..

im sorry that the meal didnt turn out to be so great

but just hope u enjoyed my company..

with all the grilled oil splashing on us..

the second day..

we had tosai and chicken curry..

it was supoerb..

how i miss that delicacy..

but i guess it was so much more nicer..

when i was having it with u :)

i really like the idea of not planning..

coz our plan of getting myself a new glass just wont work.. :)

but we had a really fun time watching the movie..

laughing out stresses out, feeding each other with popcorns and hugging one another...

i guess our best moments was when we had our so-called late lunch..

the almost two hours spent in 'josephine' was simply marvelous..

every second spent there remained vividly in my memory..

the nice setting.. nice food.. with slow songs..

it just made everything perfect..

o..how could i forget the best ever drink u had..hehe

even though it seems posh..

but it is kinda worth it all..

i seriously hope we will have the opportunity to be there again..

supper at paparich..

even though its just simple nasi lemak for u and curry koay teow for me..

the food seems tasty no matter where we ate..

was it coz we have each other as companion..?

im seriously sorry that we had shorter time on the third day..

we didnt get to have breakfast together coz i was rushing for work..

im sorry for leaving u alone eating all those choc bread, cookies..

but u werent angry at me..

which made me guilty even more..

the lunch we had in movenpeak was just so so..

was it caused we ordered the wrong thing..

or..both of us just felt the ache in our hearts..?

nevertheless the pudding was nice..

and spending the quiet afternoon with u..

with u right beside me..

was more than what i could ask for..

the last few hours..

the dinner at old town..

im truly sorry for shedding tears when ur about to go back..

i didnt mean it..

i seriously dont know why i have reacted in such a way..

i really dont know what got into me..

but it was really something i thought i can just hide..

i guess i was wrong..

at least u now know how i am feeling..

biby...

i dont know when we will have that special time again..

but each time we part..

our feelings are stronger as the day passes by..

just hope the day when i have that guts to open up..

telling everything to my family..

as hinting to them dont work..hmmm

Praying hard to GOD everyday to be guided through..

may HE continue giving us the strength to go through this hurdle..

love u darling...

one year ago

looking through the photos and post by the current grads of the 4th batch of UMS..

the memories just flow back..

the happiness..the sigh of relieved..

we had indeed struggled through the years to be where or who we are now..

i could still remember vividly the time spent in uni..

the happy events..the tough events..the not so nice events..

all of that had indeed made life more colourful and challenging..

it is through past experiences that we improve ourselves to be better..

i cant help but smile when i saw the post by Prof Shahril..

" nasihat untuk doktor doktor muda (4th batch UMS 2011):

i.hormatilah guru kamu sampai bila bila

ii. kamu tidak akan mati jika bekerja kuat

iii. jangan terlalu berkira dalam soal kerja

iv. rawatlah pesakit kamu seperti mana kamu mahukan rawatan terbaik untuk ahli keluarga kamu sendiri.

v. hormati orang lain seperti kamu mahu orang lain meghormati kamu.

vi. kehidupan di dunia ini pendek sahaja; buat banyak kawan bukan lawan."

(prof..how come NO nasihat for us last time ??? :)

it is true that we should awalys cherish ALL who have guided us through along the way..

not only our lecturers, but also those patients who have been our 'indirect' teachers in a way..

i learnt a lot from patients from last time till now..

u wouldnt know that being nice and tolerant..

u will gain trust from them and the history changes TREMENDOUSLY..

from a small complaint, they will actually open up to tell u further histories..

which actually lead u to the actual diagnosis..

After working for almost 9 months..

everyday is still a learning experience..

u learn from everyone..

the most important is to know what u want in life..

a doctor used to tell us..

no matter how bz ur work is..make sure u learn a new thing everyday..

be humble to everyone..

medicine is about TEAM work..

always be humble to those around you..

u CERTAINLY wouldnt survive if ur an ego-maniac..

thinking that u could handle things all alone..

i dont deny that my 'facial skin thickness' has increased all these months..

but yet i wasnt upset about being scolded..

im more disappointed when i fail to perform my best..

it is always true that u wont die working harder..

but u will die if u have nothing to do..haha...

with so many HOs around..

there arent supposed to be many things to be done..

but yet..at times..many things were left undone..

that is why a good teamwork matters in this environment..

by treating patients as ur own family is certainly a good advise..

coz that is how u wan ur family members to be treated as well..

i could still remember vividly how many patients didnt mind waiting for me to tk their blood or to set lines..

and they thank u after that..but on the other hand i feel bad for poking them every morning..aiks..

the most important thing i learn throughout my working time is..

the importance of communication with patients..

and explaining to them what u are doing..and what u plan to do..

many think that it doesnt really matter..

but to them it means a lot..

it is a true comment from most of the patients that i have taken care of..

and i guess u wouldnt know how news travel among patients..

patients have their own gossips corner as well.. :)

they will only allow u to join in if u are close to them..

i can feel the excitement in my juniors..

those were the feelings i had a year ago..

going into a new chapter in life..

yet..many things have changed throughout the year as well..

am not sure if im losing my passion..haha.. (prof will certainly knock my head)

the DR title comes together with the word RESPONSIBILITY..

dont ever take ur work lightly..

working life is DEFINITELY different from student life..

seeing death almost every day in acute cubicles..

i learnt so much of the meaning of life as well..

all the best to the 4th batch of UMS..

enjoy your holidays to the max before working life starts.. :)

i dont know wat to do...

the past few days..

have not been a pleasant time for me..

i dont know what is going on..

yet i know something for sure..

i miss him so much..

my feelings has been at the lowish side..

yet the worst was today..

when he was so busy..

i darent text him..call him..

but waited for him from morning till night..

i dont wish to speak as if i dont wana talk to him..

yet i dont have the heart to tell him im down actually..

the thunderstorm i went thru alone..

the nitemare that made me so scared to sleep..

the call i received in the afternoon..

i was happy when he called..

yet now i dont know if he shud call or i shud have called back..

coz he thinks i dont appreciate it..

and thinks im unresponsive..

im sorry that i lied i wasnt crying..

when the truth is tears were actually rolling down..

im sorry that he thinks im dull..

im sorry that i werent there to comfort him..

but it made me think..

why did he ask me that question?

"Why is it that today u felt lonely?? what do u usually do before u met me??"

he has known the answer when he knew me..

yet the questions brought up memories that i tried so hard to push away..

coz he knows how hard i pulled through tat time..

but i dont know why he asked those questions..

is there something more he wanted to tell me...

i knew im at fault for not being understanding..

i wasnt there when he needed me..

i dont blame him..

i only blame myself..

yet i dont know y my heart is aching..

yet i dont know wat to do but to leave him alone for himself like he wanted..

and i just dont know what have i done wrong again...

it dawned on me again that..

is it that i seriously dont deserved a loved one in my life..?

coz it hurt me more to see them hurt by me but i dont know what i have done..

yet i always believe it is always my fault...

im sorry navin... i truly am..