unexpectedly..

sometimes when ur tired of waiting,

and decided not to care,

suddenly out of no where the msgs came..

was it being less caring and less worrying

will only save the heartache of waiting?

sometimes..things are just so weird..

ppl who used to be ur 'enemy'

have now become ur closest friends..

ur even more willing to open up to them..

but ppl who used to be ur close friends,

have now become far away friends...

u would be lucky to hear from them..

if not, u wont even be bothered

thou they happened to walk past u..

no matter what it is..

i always remind myself that life is short..

i aint gonna mourn like i used to..

its really no point..

it only made me feel worse..

hence..i just wana make FULL use of the time i have..

to do things i wana do..

to fulfill dreams that i have..

to fulfill as many wishes i have..

to love unconditionally of ppl i love and care so much..

to push myself to my maximum limits..

and just be ME...

i wont...

the pain of waiting is really draining me..
yet i continued waiting and waiting..
was it cause i was expecting too much..
or was it cause i was caring too much..
or was it cause i was worrying too much..
i wish i dont have to be like that..
as it affects me totally thou i said repeatedly i wont..

i guess i should really should stand firmly..
on the statements i always said i will do..
not to let anything affect me..
not to let anyone destroy me..
i just wana be me, myself..
appreaciating things i do for myself..
loving myself before others..
caring for myself before others..
i repeat.. I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY..
i hope the tears will stop flowing..
the pain will ease..
and the smiley me will return as it is..

i dislike that feeling...

though it is just only a few hours..
i didnt realise the time waiting for a msg..
is REALLY draining and making me nutty..
the msg is indeed very important..
as i need to know how and where the person is..
being so far isnt a good thing..
when u felt so helpless, being unable to do anything..
sigh..
how long shall i wait?
how long will it take?
it will only cause me another sleepless nite..
yet i cant blame anyone but myself..
for worrying too much..
for thinking too much..

silent love...

SILENT LOVE
Author: Reden Magpantay Jobli

Have you ever been silently in love
With someone you can never have?
So close you can touch her hand
Yet, so far to feel her heart?
Have you ever lived in pretense
Quietly loving without any condition?
A feeling of love that's unknown
Hiding it, not knowing for how long.
Have you ever fallen deeply
Loving the person unconditionally?
So afraid to say what you feel
Acting normal, keeping things still.

Have you ever been hurt unintentionally
But put on a smile, pretended to be happy?
Deep inside you're in pain and suffering
But outside you're jolly and laughing.

Why does holding her/his hand feel so right?
Your heart smiles everytime he/she's at sight
Hearing her/his sweet voice makes your day
Hope you can hug her/him in a special way.

another meaningful poem that i came across..

sigh...

it didnt turn out to be what i wished for, instead tears were rolling down...its been so many nites..i was thinking too much, i fear too much and i worried too much..i dont know how long this gonna last..its killing my heart in a way...

promises??

Promises

Author: Kathleen Tabin

I can't believe I fell for your lies
And now I'm the one who cries
Everything just seemed so true
But now you're making me blue.

Should I just leave you alone?
Can I really live on my own?
Others might even love me too
Yet I know I'll still long for you.

I'm waiting for you to call
But there's no sign of you at all
I know that when we're apart
I'll always have a broken heart.

You used to promise forever
But why aren't we together?
How can you do this to me?
Now that I thought we're happy.

The everlasting memories we share
I honestly found them so rare
Being together for quite long
I just thought we were strong.

I care for you and I do love you
I hope you love me the way I do
I wish you would keep your promises
Because I don't want my heart in pieces.

p/s: i like this poem, i dont know why..its just so real...or is it just reflecting things im going thru?? i wonder....

nice outing...

11th september 09- our small group had our first outing for the year yesterday, it was FULL attendance with all 8 of us, venue at 1 borneo, with the first stop, the bowling alley..keke..its been so many years since i last bowl, so its really so many 'masuk longkang' session, but im better a bit than certain ppl thou..keke..probably i just needed more practise..keke..after 1 game of bowling, we went over to pizza hut for dinner, after i REFUSED KFC...kakaka..sorry frens, i really dislike kfc ady..we ordered two sets of pizza and added on two big plates of spagetti..keke..yumyum..thou the food was below the level of expectation, i stil like the spagetti carbonerra best...the 7-up was more like plain water+lemonade??? ewwwww...

after dinner..its really the craziesst time of the night..probably its good that yus went back ady..if not she would have seen the craziest of all of us..we screamed our lungs out...if not everyone, i think it would be me...its really stress releasing time for me and i wish someone could hear the lyrics i shouted like mad..the funny part, we didnt really need the microphones as we screamed together out loud..kekeke...so fun..i miss those fun..kakaka...

thanx to all my beloved groupmates..its really a wonderful night out...cheers..happy holidays and selamat hari raya...

it's a wonderful outing

11th september 09- our small group had our first outing for the year yesterday, it was FULL attendance with all 8 of us, venue at 1 borneo, with the first stop, the bowling alley..keke..its been so many years since i last bowl, so its really so many 'masuk longkang' session, but im better a bit than certain ppl thou..keke..probably i just needed more practise..keke..after 1 game of bowling, we went over to pizza hut for dinner, after i REFUSED KFC...kakaka..sorry frens, i really dislike kfc ady..we ordered two sets of pizza and added on two big plates of spagetti..keke..yumyum..thou the food was below the level of expectation, i stil like the spagetti carbonerra best...the 7-up was more like plain water+lemonade??? ewwwww...

after dinner..its really the craziesst time of the night..probably its good that yus went back ady..if not she would have seen the craziest of all of us..we screamed our lungs out...if not everyone, i think it would be me...its really stress releasing time for me and i wish someone could hear the lyrics i shouted like mad..the funny part, we didnt really need the microphones as we screamed together out loud..kekeke...so fun..i miss those fun..kakaka...

thanx to all my beloved groupmates..its really a wonderful night out...cheers..happy holidays and selamat hari raya...

i deserve to be happy..i really do

10th sept 09 - sometimes its better not to know so much so
that u wont have to bother so much or ache so much... i dont
know what got into me, but i woke up suddenly..feeling so
'fresh' or probably it is a wake up call from the meeting i had
with a fren...its too many years that i kept myself low...
i know im gonna go thru some hurtful moments
these few days, but im not gonna let anything affect me... i
think all these years, i have mourn too much, worry too much,
being depressed too much, being a pathetic soul all these while
without even giving myself a proper rest, without proper
strength to rebuild my weakness and giving myself to be
TOTALLY happy without any worries inside... i dont know what
affected me, but i guess its time for me to love myself..to
care for myself and to pamper myself...enough of crying over
issues that sometimes dont bother me, enough of caring too
much over others and not being appreciated most of the time,
enough of trying to be with people who dont even deserve
me... i just wan to be brand new me...no one i mean it no one is
gonna ruin things that i have went thru.. im gonna make sure i
keep to my words, and im sure i can do it.. with my happy day
coming, i hope to stay that happy and cheerful for the rest of my life.. i deserve it... yes i do...

hmm...090909

090909- its an auspicious too many, so it is for me...but mine is more like a day for me to reflect back on the past 3 days of exam, to reflect how terrible i did, to reflect how miserable i went through, to reflect how disastrous of things i did, and how i actually dare to face this year, this year of being a FINAL year student... this posting is REALLY a wake up call??? expectations were high, but i guess the main problem lies on me, the problem of not knowing things that i should, the problem of having poor memory, the problem of losing my focus easily, the problem of being distracted easily, the problem of panicking during exam, the problem of having mental block when being pushed too much, the problem of shaking when being questioned too much, and the list go on...

hmm....when i will be able to really have the confidence?when i be able to have the strength? when will i wake up??i guess i just need to change, change from a miserable, pathetic me to a new person...oo..KY came the few days before my exam..it was REALLY wrong timing as i was so stressed up with exams but lucky still managed to have dinner twice with him...the meeting the second nite was really something that hit me hard, hard to the extent that he was actually patiently responding to my miseries all these years only to shoot me back that day..WOW..but then i know he meant well..its enough of me lamenting over the same thing, again and again..n hearing him 'saying' his fren over the phone, was like kinda 'sepaking' me indirectly ady...so when he talk to me about the whole thing, it was REALLY a 'wake up' call again...ya, i promised, i promised i will change and this time i mean it...im not gonna let anything or anyone bother me anymore...

oo ya...got some interesting news to share too..but hehe...only to ppl close to me thou...

what is going on???

receiving a msg at 3am wasnt something i've expected especially when its 3 more days before im so dead, probably crying over again how badly i screwed up for my exam...things are really getting out of hand, im feeling so drowned, and buried under tons and tons of things..i hope someone could help me, pull me out from this and resuscitate me...i REALLY CANT HANDLE this anymore...

and getting the msg at 3am from someone i have been caring so much, really cost me my sleep when i got a replied 'so what' when i told the other person im shock..that was when i got annoyed and shouted back...if so what, then y u wana msg me in the first place, then let me worried??? @#$% but i guess that person didnt mean it as after i hung up, a msg came saying things will be discuss today and hope i could give the person...i dont even know what tat person wan me to give?? haih..leaving me in such state, makes my migraine even worse, im already losing so much of my precious sleep, im running out of time, i felt like im collapsing but i know, i just know i cant leave that person alone today no matter how im gonna suffer later.. i could sense the person is going thru a very very tough time...yet everything is happening at a WRONG TIME...

GOD, save me from this TOTAL ..mess??? i dont even know how should i say.. im kneeling down, praying so hard to be guided through as im really really going down....