happy new year..

i dont know why..
but the ache is still there..
no matter wat i do..
no matter how i try not to think..
the memory will just flow..
it seems its just there..

everything that happened..
just reminds of him even more..
how could i pull through..
when the journey seems so hard..
everyone said time will tell..
but how long does it take..
its really affecting me so deeply..
yet i know theres nothing much i can do..
but move forward..
to not contact him no matter wat..
to not even let him think of me..
to let him just forget about me..
and continue praying..
for GOD to guide and care for him..
thats the least i could do for a this special person..
whom i wont hav the chance to be with me..
but to watch him from afar..

2012...

2012...
its a year full of memories...
from january to july..
i was a super snr HO..
learning everything i could..
being bombarded most of the time..
coz everyone expects u to know EVERYTHING..
in preparation for yet another journey of life...
ending my housemanship in Casualty..
was everything i had hope for..
so that i will be prepared in emergency cases..
at least i dont panic easily..
and it was a blessing..
being able to meet such wonderful ppl in ED..
the crazy nites..the crazy war zones in yellow..
the never ending piles of yellow cards in Green..
the over crowded red zones with never ending 'tet tet tet'..
but no matter how tired..and crazy it was..
the feeling of contentment was there after each shift..
which most of the time due to the supportive team i had the chance to work with...

another memorable experience
was the time being sent to Taiping ED for one month...
even though initially it was tough adapting..
but it was a previlege to work with really nice MOs there..
who were willing to guide us..
and not forgetting meeting up with so many snrs who were doing their MOship in Taiping..
and the previlege to meet up with some nice HOs and nurses there..

the last month in Ipoh..
was me Floating in ED as MO..
learning as much as i could..
besides also learning how not to trust ppl who could drag u down..
learning that being MO.. ur task of responsibilities are higher..
learning how important communication is in handling difficult ppl..
it was initially difficult adjusting to this..
especially when HOs slept through their shifts..
while u as new MO settling all the work..
something that i didnt had the previlege of doing while i was a HO..
darent even sleep when i was a HO even though my MO said we could take turns..
and doubting whether i was a MO or HO at that time..
but then...its part of learning as well..
my last day in ED was a pretty good one..
last nite shift in Trauma..
with a good team for the nite..
and the singing session in red..
the short break for the yummy nasi lemak..
it was really saddy when morning comes..
when i bid farewell..
but then..no worries..the wonderful frenship remains..
and im sure to visit u ppl..

nex..
was my transfer back to penang..
it was indeed full with anticipation..palpitations..
when i still didnt get my letter or news about the transfer..
only when i hear personally from KKM that yea..i got a place in JKN PG..
my heart was jumping with joy..
coz it meant so much that only me myself knows..
the day when i had to move my things back..
was totally crazy..with my bags and boxes of things..
(which i had started packing for 2 weeks)
needed dad's exora plus baby joel to complete the load..
and it was definitely crazy stuffing all the things in my already loaded store room back at home..
but i seriously hav mum to thank for being able to repack and arrange my things properly..

another much awaited anticipation was..
where im gonna be placed in penang..
i was praying and trying not to be placed in hospital..
and hence was told there were only places in SPU/SPS for KK..
but i was thankful when i was told i got a place in SPT..
and hence was put in KK Bukit Minyak..
but after 2 weeks of tagging in KKSJ..

new colleagues...new staffs
new working environment..
but it was indeed a blessing to hav known all of them..
as we were pretty close to each other..
everyday is a learning experience..
especially in dealing with SO MANY different type of ppl..
from malingering ppl.. to pretty stubborn defaulters..
while in MCH..
pretty scared when the phone rings..
coz all the weird referrals..
and the difficult ppl we had to handle..
not forgetting the delivery in clinic just last week..
but wat i like most about MCH..
was of course the cutie babies..
their smiles certainly brings some joy in me..
in which i still question myself..
it is Paeds is all i wan to do after all...

nevertheless..
coming back to penang was actually..
another journey i thought would work..
fighting through the challenges..
going against all odds..
praying for the best..
preparing for the worst..
yet it was the worst that i had to do in the end..
it ended with a rather painful note..
and i could NEVER forgive myself for doing that..
hurting someone who means so much to me..
someone who was there for me..through thick and thin..through pain, joy and happiness..
someone who would sacrifice so much for me..
someone who would go through all the troubles for me..
someone who tolerated my tantrums.. my arguments..
someone who stood by me when i was all alone..
someone who meant the whole world to me..

i cant blame anyone by myself for all of these pain..
wat is left for me is..
daily heartaches to drown me daily..
tears that accompany me every nite..
loneliness that befriended me again..
with smiles to cover all the pain me..

new year used to be the date i look forward to..
but now wat is left are painful memories that will haunt me..
i certainly pray that the new year
will bring him the best in everything..
will make him forget the painful memories i caused him..
will make him be blessed with all the wonderful things..
and pray hard that GOD will blessed him with so much more..
coz he DESERVES so much more..

the most memorable memory for me this year..
is for sure my birthday celebration..
yet all is left are memories..
memories that will only remind me..
how lucky i was to hav that celebration..
a celebration i will not have AGAIN in my life..

i guess this year is certainly more painful..
yet i dont know how long the tears will flow..
how long the heart will ache..
it is indeed a painful lesson in life..
may i be guided through in everything i do..

nevertheless..
my best wishes to all my frens..family members around me..
may all of u be blessed in everything u do.
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2012

the pain continues...

its really painful..
to know u are not in the list of frens..
yet u are still seeing the updates of the person u care so much..
to know the suffering he is going through..
as much as u hav wanted to just give a call..or text
just to ask how he is doing..
but having to hold back..
coz u had promise not to disturb him anymore..
it was indeed such a tough feelings..
yet this is wat i hav to endure..
no matter how i dislike it..

last nite..
i was holding back the msgs i intended to send to 4 ppl..
who hav treated me like their own family members..
only for me to hurt them with my selfishness..
i finally sent coz i know i had to..
but the replies i received..
made me cry even more..
not only they didnt hate me..
not only they didnt have bad intentions towards me..
but they are supporting me with so much of care..and kindness..
and still treating me as a fren..as a sister..

i wont ask for anything else..
but for GOD to bless this kind family..
for GOD to bless him with someone better..
coz he deserves someone better..
even though i will be hurt..
wil b in so much pain seeing him with someone else..
i wil stil continue praying for his happiness...
coz he deserves it..he really does..

its painful..

i dont know why are my tears flowing down even more..
from rain drops to stream like water fall..
and the ache in my heart..
just wont stop aching..
yet i know..
i deserve all of it..
i hav no one to blame but myself..
only myself to go through this..
i wil continue praying for u...

used to look forward to new year..
coz it was supposed to be our anniversary..
but now..i dreaded the dates..
i dreaded most of the things..
and silently praying to GOD to just take me with him..
its painful..really really painful...

u deserve so much more..

when u told me..
we could still be frens..
not now..but distant future..
i darent even think when it will be..
coz i know it may not happen..
coz i know..distant could be..many years..many centuries..
yet..we may not even meet again...

when u told me..
that u will remove me from ur fren list..
i didnt expect it to be real..
yet when reality happens..
how i realise..
i wasnt even worth to be kept in the fren list anymore..
maybe to u it was temporary..
but to me..
it may meant a life time..

im glad u are moving on..
i seriously do..
yet i dont know y my heart is aching even worse of lately..
if it wasnt love..
i really dont know wat else it meant...

i dont wish u to know wat im going through...
coz i know..i have hurt u bad enough..
yet..its sorry that i could ever say..
i dont know when the tears will stop..
yet i just pray that yours had stopped..
and pray that GOD gives u more strength
to forget a worthless person like me..
i will NEVER forgive myself for wat had happened..

each time i see the ring u gave me..
it was the strength tat made me carry on..
coz i know how much love it with holds inside..
coz i know how pure the love it contains..
i was selfish not to give u back..
coz it meant so much to me..
it meant tat i belong to u..
yet i cant have u..

u may not know..
i hope u wont know..
coz i actually made a promise not to fall in love anymore..
not to be with anyone else anymore..
coz i know.. no one can love me as much as u do..
and i cant love anyone else as much as i love u..
but i pray everyday..
for u to be blessed with someone else..
who can love u more than i do..
who can care for u more than i do..
whose family respects and love u..
coz i know..u deserve so much more..
u REALLY DESERVE SO MUCH MORE....

painful memories...

it used to be the day..
i looked forward to..
for the few hours..
we wud be able to spend those precious time together..
yet..this year it wasnt a happy day..
not when u sent me a text that..
we shouldnt even text each other anymore..
so that it would be fair to both of us..
those words..were like a sharp knife..
stabbing right through my already wounded heart..
tearing up all the pain i was pulling through..
with tears streaming down endlessly..
yet i was glad that u are moving on..
at least GOD listens to my prayers..and tears..praying for u..

i used to think u would be there for me..
when i needed some words of comfort..
yet now i know..im all alone to pull through..
i used to think u would be listening to me..
if i needed just ur ears to listen..
yet now i know..im all alone when problems are suffocating me..
i used to think it would be ok..
yet now the heart ache is so much heavier..
especially when im now all alone...

i know u wont be reading this...
coz..u wont want to know anymore..
yet my heart doesnt  betray me..
i miss u so much..
yet i can only keep it to myself..
i miss all the time spent with u..
yet i can only rmbr them as memories..
i miss ur voice..ur comforting..loving voice..
yet i can only rmbr those words..
i miss ur ever strong supporting hug..
yet..i can only hug myself now..
i miss those nites spending just talking to u..
on the bed...by the sea side..
yet now..its only darkness..and loneliness by myside..
i miss those time eating with u..
yet now..its emptiness..meaningless meals i have..
til at times i skipped meals in order to safe the heartache..
i know i hav lost u..
in a way..im glad ur moving on..
i sincerely hope u will be blessed with someone who deserves ur love..ur care.. ur respect..
while i know..no one can replace u in my heart..in my life..
i will always love u.. i really do..

2011

2011..

how time flies...

it was only a moment ago when i blog about the events in 2010..

how old i have become..(ouchie)..

1st of january..

it is the beginning of a new journey..

a journey which was harder..tougher..

n more challenging than i could hav imagine..

yet im glad im being supported all the way through..

without the special person..

i wouldnt know how my life will be..

it was also a month..

where i was visited by my dearie..and by two best buddies..

i was so happy to see them here..

the short lunch we had..

was really meaningful for me..

going through up and down in this special journey..

has indeed taught me many things..

at times..it was really painful..hurtful..

but the smile of happiness of the little little times we had was all it meant..

dont know how tough the journey will go on..

yet i hope i will be super strong to go through all the challenges..

working life..

from a 2nd posting HO..

i am now in my 5th posting..

i wouldnt say it was easy..

yet the lessons and teachings i had all the way..

made me who i am today..

meeting ppl that can make life a total hell for u..

really change u to be tougher..

however GOD has been good to me..

as i have also met really nice ppl along the way..

it was indeed encouraging moments when u hav a good working team..

helping one another to settle all the work..

going out for quick lunches..going out for dinner..

or sometimes just go hungry together-gether.. :)

as u become more senior..

expectations of MOs and specialists are higher..

being reminded to behave like a 5th poster..

being bombarded at times for mistakes not my fault..but coz im senior..

really felt so shameful..

when each time any of them raised their eyebrows..

when their questions are not answered by my rotten brain..

told myself each time need to study during my break day..

yet each break day is fulfilled with DESERVING break.. :P

it was also this year..

that i almost complete all the different types of posting..

i roughly know my interest..

yet im worried i am not able to cope with it later..

as im stress easily.. and a worry pot..

im thankful to have the support from MOs and specialists..

yet i guess i still need a tiny biny more time to think what i REALLY want..

this year also mark the 5th birthday of baby Joel..

my best companion to bring me around..

the journey we have went through..

since the time i was in Kota Kinabalu..

till he was shipped back to penang..

then accompanied when i came to ipoh..

and the list goes on..

though i am eyeing some other cars..

yet my heart is still with my beloved Joel..

no matter how ppl ask me to discard u away...

i dont think i will..at least not these few years..

before the year ends...

i just wana apologize to everyone..

for all the mistakes i may have done..

to hurt any of u indirectly and unintentionally..

for not keeping in touch with so many of you..

for missing so many meet ups..and gatherings..

special sorry..to all my frens who are married..

for not being able to attend all ur wonderful weddings..

hope that the coming year..

my schedule wouldnt be so tight..

so that i will b able to attend more functions..

before i become a non-existent species one of these days..

my resolution for the coming year..

earning more money :) ..

so that i wont feel too sakit hati during my shopping madness..

new car?? nah..dont think so..

studying?? yea..SERIOUSLY need to do so..

work?? hope to be able to balik kampung..

relationship?? praying for the best :)

friendship?? hope to make up for the things i have missed..

6-melur reunions?? hope to meet everyone after such a long time..

last but not least..

thanking GOD for blessing and guiding me through in all my obstacles and challenges..

MAY 2012 BE A GOOD AND GREAT YEAR.. WISHING THAT ALL OF U WILL BE BLESSED WITH GOOD HEALTH, GOOD WORKING OPPORTUNITY, GOOD DAY EVERYDAY AND MAY YOUR YEAR FILLED WITH HAPPINESS, JOY AND LAUGHTER !!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!