sorry is the only word

7th november 2009..

two nites of torturing moments indeed..
but i cant blame anyone but myself..
if only i had open up and told him the truth..
instead of saying not gonna tell him anything..
making him so pissed..
so mad and outbursted..
but i have me reasons of not telling him of my fear..
fear of having CA due to my persistent changes..
all the symptoms were kinda accurate..
its just whether i shud get it confirmed..

i NEVER had any intentions to hurt him..
coz i know he had be so stressed up with his work..
and knowing how his dad is having sleepless nites..
and the struggle he went thru daily..
i realised he had changed from the last time..
but it was my stupidity for not appreaciating it..
coz i have expected more..
the stressness of my own share of problems..
the depression of what may have happened to me..
and everything that wasnt going right..
i dont think i will EVER be forgiven..
no matter how i regret..
no matter how sorry i am..
no matter how remorseful i am..

i have hoped for some extra care..
but now..emptiness is what left for me..
do i deserve it???
yes i do..for hurting somone i treasure and look forward to..

it will be a total ignorance...thanx to mysf...

5th november 2009...
when the level of stressness is too awful..
thats when my brain starts to do stupid things..
this time..i just dug my own grave..
i didnt appreciate what i have..
i wanted more than what i could have..
and to send drastic hurtful words..
for someone that meant soo much to me..
that meant a whole wonderful thing to me..
and to badly ripped the other's person heart..
till the person was so irritated, mad..
thats when all hell went loose..

i got my payback..
it will now be a TOTAL ignorance..
no more even few msgs per day..
no more early morning msgs..
no more goodnite msgs..
no more some words of comfort..
no more..it will be nothing..
i have no one else to blame but myself..
i dont deserve to have anyone..
and my life will just go bk to the normal depress mode..
that will accompany me to my tomb..

two months...

in a few hours time..
it will mark the two months of a special event..
an event which may change something..
an event which may change everything..
or it may not change at all..
no idea how things will be like for the many months to come..
but for sure..
the hope and dreams will still be there..
no matter how difficult..
no matter how long..
no matter how emo it will become..
if there's a will, there's always a way...

will it come true?

1st NOv 2009

it hit me suddenly that..
all this while i've been in denial..
in a state of dreamland..
in a state surrounded by hopes and dreams..
only to realise that things might not turn out to be the way i have hope for..
reality indeed suck to the max..
yet i cant run from it..
i just have to face it..
will this be my last time pouring my lungs out?
or will there still be nights that i have to go thru silently..
habouring on the hopes that will not come true??
i wish i will have a confirm answer..
i wish could have been done for me..
coz i really dont have the strength to carry on..
i dont have the power to move on..
i dont have the determination to hope anymore..
neither do i have the heart to continue holding on to the dreams..
and pretending it will come true..

what a crappy day???

28th october 2009..
its the day when things go bit haywire..
or should i just say not so well..
firstly...i owe someone an apology..
a realy NEEDED apology..
for wrongfully bursting when i shouldnt..
saying things that i shouldnt..
when i know it was meant well..
i have went thru times when i needed my own space..
my own space to think, to reflect or to cry..
but why didnt i understand when someone needed one?
or i was just overly worried that something might have
happened from the conversations we had?
that i got annoyed when i was ignored..
i dont mean to hurt that person by typing..
'i aint gonna care or bother'..
coz deep inside i still very much care and want to care..
thou i felt rejected or outcasted..
i know i cant leave someone alone when he/she is down..
the same goes for this person..
who meant so much to me..
who was there for me when i was low..
who has been supportive when i needed strength..
and i guess its time i stand by that person as long as it takes..

then...talking to another important person in my life..
suddenly reality hits me..
it was something that i fear..
but i didnt expect the person to share the same thought..
hence came the question..
is it right to even start in the first place..?
when the future isnt something we might have hoped for?
will we be able to handle the obstacles upon us..?
or we will just give up when its just to hard to handle??
the journey isnt something easy from the beginning..
yet im hoping i will be able to carry on with the combined strength and determination..

the third thing..
some ppl just talk without brains..
yet they think they are just damn smart..
buzz of idiots..yes i just have to use that..
coz its damn irritating and ur just nothing but losers...

i hope tomorrow wil b a better day..
for i havent been outbursting for so long..
and just hope some babies will be cheering me.
coz i needed some smiles to carry on..

there's indeed a difference...

25th october 2009...
just when i thought of letting go...
something just prop up...
and made me stay..
it was a drastic thing i did..
something that i NEVER do previously..
i didnt know how i managed to do it..
thou it wasnt easy, yet a bit worrying as well..
but it was a move that made the other person..
realised my worth and importance..
so..it was a bit worth it..
but i promised i wont do it again..

being ignored and not bothered..
was something i felt all these while..
probably the other person wasnt aware..
until i did the same and hence the pain was felt..
it was then that my presence meant something..
the silence woke the other person..
suddenly my words hit the other person hard..
as i REALLY meant business and not joke anymore..

its bit funny thinking about it..
thou at that time my heart was smashed to pieces..
it was 'thoughtful' how the other person managed to use the 'trick'..
of making me NOT ONLY reply to the msg..
but also make a long expensive call to explain what need to be done..
as it was 'someone's life that we were talking about at that time'..
anyway, the msgs was actually to get me to reply..
was to make sure i stop ignoring..
as my weakness of caring for ppl betrayed me at last..
i cant bear to ignore that msg..
as i would be guilty for life if the fren really was not well..
but when i called..i knew it wasnt that serious..
it was meant to get my attention..
and to listen to my voice..
and to apologise with a few sentences of explanation..
it was nice to be able to tell things out..
and make clear of doubts and disappointments..


2 days have passed..
there's INDEED a difference..
which touches my heart..
which made me smile when im down..
a few lines of reassurance..
with a few lines of warmness..
with a few lines of caring words..
which i hope is true..
which i hope will carry me on..
which i hope will give me strength and support..
and prepare me to move to a new path ahead..

should i just let go???

18th october 2009

it suddenly dawn on me..
that i have to make a decision..
a decision either to let go..
or hold on strongly..
on something that i wish so much..
wish it will turn out to be true..
but alas..
i cant deny that its falling apart..
i cant deny that im tired struggling through..
i cant deny that im lost in so many ways..
i cant deny that im frustrated with the waiting..
i cant deny that im just lying to myself all this while..

i've tried my best..
i've tried many ways..
i've sacrificed what i could..
i've tried to understand what i dont..
i've went thru the days being alone..
shedding endless flow of tears..
with high hopes..
with strong believes..
with determination..
somehow things will work out..

nevertheless..
im going down..
im losing my strength..
im losing my grip..
im definitely losing myself..