how long can i stand???

16th october 2006..
it was 10 days ago that i posted a post..
i was down, low and deeply sadden..
but there were some hope after that..
some hope that i look forward to..
some promises of reassurance..
some words that could still get me through..

but after 10 days...
it was the same thing..
the repetition of things that i went thru..
the same reasons i assume..
but this time..
its even worse than the previous time..
as i thought mutual understandings were discussed..
mistakes were noted..but still..it isnt improving..
and this time..im feeling so unwell..so breathless..so hard to get up..

then suddenly..i received a msg..
the person was admitted to the hosp..
i knew something wasnt right..
coz my heart doesnt feel good since last nite..
and know..its crying in pain.
coz i cant do anything..but to keep on worrying..
and ya..praying and praying..
that was practically something that i could do..
the distance is really draining me..i cant take this 'torture' anymore..
i just hope promises will be fulfilled..
and the all the plans will work..sigh...
it doesnt help when my breathlessness attacks AGAIN
and this time..its making me so weak..
emotionally, mentally and physically..
how long can i still hang on..???
is it all my fault???