it is time...

i shouldnt have browsed the page..

yeah..i did..

and then i saw something i knew was happening..

yet i was just denying it wasnt happening..

i shouldnt have let it get over me..

it has been 4months..

of ignorance..of silence..

i thought i was strong enough..

but indeed i wasnt..

i had a terrible outpour last night..

i felt the wound.. the pain..all over again..

i should have listened to my long lost fren..

yet i went against it..

so..its time i suffer the pain..all ALONE..

i dont know how long i will survive this tormenting period..

i cant tell anyone about it..

i have to swallow the painful FACT that i have concluded..no matter how bitter or hard it is..

i just wish i dont have to go through it again..

i am not strong as everyone think i was..

i am not a happy cheerful gal like everyone think i was..

i am just hiding all the pain in me..

only GOD knows how i am pulling thru all the days im here..all alone..im loz..spiritually, mentally.. and wounded..

i hope the memories can be erased..and i just wont think of it anymore..

why..hmm???

its been a long time since i blog..

but i guess i just have to when i was asked a question..

which i myself didnt really know the answer..

why did i choose to do medicine?

or..why do i want to become a doctor?

money..DEFINITELY no..

status..OBVIOUSLY no..

to help others..maybe..

to serve human kind..maybe..

and the truth is.. i dont REALLY know the perfect answer for this..

honestly.. being a dr wasnt my first ambition..

until form 5 when suddenly something struck me..

which until now i didnt know what was the main factor..

which made me went through really crazy times in form 6..

only to be badly disappointed during my first application..

but i still didnt give up of that tiny hope..

and was blessed for the second chance given to me..

i certainly miss those days when im still a med student..

life was so nice that time..

u dont really have a responsibility..

u just go through the case notes and know the cases..

u try blood taking and branula setting..

if u cant get.."sorry dr..i cant get la.."

and then u just walked away..

NOW..

u cant say u cant take..

maybe once or twice..but u just GET TO SET OR TAKE..

especially when those blood will determine the management of the patient..

last time we just ask.."dr..can we observe?" for procedures..

NOW..im DYING TO DO PROCEDURES...

throughout my 3months plus..

i met many ppl along the way..

Harsh ppl..who are sarcastic..using all kinds of words and phrases to bring u down..

crazy ppl..who are crazily finger pointing at things which are NOT even your mistake..

tough ppl..whom u wont wana talk or even meet again.. after your first baddy encounter..

irritating ppl..whom u just had to avoid if u wana stay sane..

but certainly..there are also nice, caring and understanding ppl i met along the way..

i dont deny that i had my baddy down moments..

those were the days when i was hurt badly..

i lost my passion..i just hated what i was doing..

in which i sheded tears and looked at the mirror..

and asked myself.." is it i dont deserve to be a doctor??"

i was lucky enough that i have wonderful parents, family, frens and a few colleagues who are

supportive and knew what i was going through..

i owe them and appreciate them for being there for me throughout those tormenting moments..

but the most important thing that kept me going..

was a phrase from a fren of mine..

who told me..'u work for ur patients..'

which made me build up my strength a little bit..

there were times when patients just throw their tantrum at me..

they raised their voices at me even though i was doing my best for them..

i dont deny i was frustrated and disappointed..

but i guess my constant care and smile no matter how they scolded me..

just made them felt bad..

as they will apologise to me after that..

no doubt.. i cant understand how or what they are going through..

the pain, the suffering, the fear..

coz i definitely dont want to be in their shoes..

yet i know i JUST HAVE TO DO WHAT I COULD FOR THEM..

being in-charged of acute bay..

i came across collapses almost everyday..

sometimes twice/more per day..

till i am so worried..so scared..

about the ACTUAL fact that..

life is INDEED SHORT..

as i have seen with my own eyes..

how patients deteriorated SO FAST..

that nothing much could have been done for them..

despite being attended STAT..

only GOD knows how speechless i went..

it was very very challenging at that time..

coz one minute i was joking with the patient..

the next minute..the patient just collapsed..

i really couldnt swallow that fact..

and i have to be consoled that shitty things happened..(sigh)

so..i am happpy when the patients are happy..

i am happier when they are improving..

and i am happiest when i see how they progress from sicky..to be strong and healthy again..and

fit to be discharged..

it is more than enough when they say thank you for what i have done for them..

and i am surprised they thanked me for taking their blood every morning..

as i would have started cursing if im in their shoes.. :)

and i am even more surprised that some are so happy to just let me take their blood or line

setting :P

and..it touched my heart when their treated me..

from ice cream to fruits..it may not be xpensive..but its their thoughts that count..

THANK YOU..

handling family members..

is also another technique that one has to be skillful at..

everyone tends to get emo when their loved ones are sick..

definitely i cant blame them for being demanding at times..

yet i am so glad to meet REALLY understanding families..

despite being some VIPs..but they are just so humble..

i have met family members who were very appreciative for things u are doing..

and so..i have also met family members who made me being scolded even though things were not

my fault..

so..how i managed.. just stay positive and SMILE...

nevertheless..

it was sad week for me..

when i learnt about the passing away of a patient of mine..

who left a mark in me..

as he was a tough person when i first saw him..

even though wat ever he was going through wasnt easy..

but his spirit was strong and he was determined..

tears just rolled down when i knew he was deteriorating..

cause.. he was just a unique person whom i will always remember..

as he was the first ever person who almost wana wack the MO who raised the voice at me..

who was protective, easy going and fun to talk to..

who wouldnt burden us doctors and suffered his pain silently..

i managed to see him before things got really bad..

but still..it wouldnt be the same again for his wife and family..

hence..

i still dont know the TRUE answer why i am in medic..

partly was because i just wana help others with the knowledge that i gained..

to serve back to the community..

to be able to help and educate my loved ones also..

i am learning how to be strong everyday..

and to continue learning..

and to put a smile no matter how tough and tired i am..

coz it CERTAINLY make a difference to everyone who sees u..

and last but not least..

to pray daily to be guided through in every obstacles i am facing..

coz all these challenges have really changed me..

to be slightly stronger and tougher..

You're Not Sorry

"You're Not Sorry"

(Taylor Swift)

All this time I was wasting,

Hoping you would come around

I've been giving out chances every time

And all you do is let me down

And it's taking me this long

Baby but I figured you out

And you're thinking we'll be fine again,

But not this time around

You don't have to call anymore

I won't pick up the phone

This is the last straw

Don't wanna hurt anymore

And you can tell me that you're sorry

But I don't believe you baby

Like I did - before

You're not sorry, no no oh

Looking so innocent,

I might believe you if I didn't know

Could've loved you all my life

If you hadn't left me waiting in the cold

And you got your share of secrets

And I'm tired of being last to know

And now you're asking me to listen

Cause it's worked each time before

But you don't have to call anymore

I won't pick up the phone

This is the last straw

Don't wanna hurt anymore

And you can tell me that you're sorry

But I don't believe you baby

Like I did - before

You're not sorry, no no, oh

You're not sorry no no oh

You had me crawling for you honey

And it never would've gone away, no

You used to shine so bright

But I watched all of it fade

So you don't have to call anymore

I won't pick up the phone

This is the last straw

There's nothing left to beg for

And you can tell me that you're sorry

But I don't believe you baby

Like I did - before

You're not sorry, no no oh

You're not sorry, no no oh

a beginning of a new chapter..

30th june 2010...

when i saw the sms at 11am..

i was shock..

and i finally know..

what made me so restless since yesterday..

i wont say it as a nitemare..

more like i didnt expect things to be so fast all of a sudden..

yeah.. i received my induksi letter already..

induksi is from 5-9th july at Puteri Garden Hotel Klang..

and so..we are expected to know our place of work on mon..

and then..we will be reporting for work after back from induksi..

no more relaxing time..

no more hanging out time..

no more doing things i wana do now..

suddenly the pressure build up..

suddenly i felt the overly stress..

and feel so drained..so tired..

and suddenly the lost feeling came back..

it was only early of this week..

that i felt so lost..

i though i could let go easily..

but deep inside..it is harder than i expect..

i thought i was really that strong..

yet..i just feel something not right..

suddenly it cross my mind..

i still yearn to hear something..

is it that..i still cant let go..

but i know i have to..

since there is no ending...

and i certainly dont wana go thru..

the painful dreading moment..

a woman with value..

22nd June 2010..

today i met up with my 'special close fren'..

a person i've known for more than 7/8 years..

how he has changed over the years..

no doubt the journey he went through..

was something i wont be able to understand..

something i wont be able to feel..

coz..i am definitely NOT him..

but the 2 hours plus chat we had..

was indeed something i have to thank him for..

for being able to see i have lost my direction..

when i am not supposed to be..

for being able to challenge me..

for being able to dare me..

and most importantly..

for being able to see the inner me..

that i myself wasnt able to see..

thank you for making some sense in me..

i dont know what i am afraid of all this while..

i dont know what i am worried of..

i wasnt supposed to be lost..when the answer is so obvious..

i know what i should do..

but i just bloody hell dont have the guts to do it..

i thought i was brave enough to sense the changes..

i thought i was sensitive enough to know something need to be done..

yet it wasnt about me ONLY..

coz it involved two people to solve this..

it shouldnt even be a problem..

at least i know i did my best..

i aint gonna blame myself for anything now..

coz i REALLY did wat i could..

and i tried everything that i could..

it is the other person's lost..

yeah..indeed that person is too coward to face it..

and hence..no rights to say im not understanding..

from today onwards..

im gonna change..

to become a woman with value..

i aint gonna complain..

i aint gonna be childish..

i aint gonna let emo kill me..

i will gain back the respect that is due..

i will not let anyone anything to wound me that bad..

i will start loving MYSELF more than i should..

and i certainly gonna make a difference..

I WILL I MUST I SHOULD I NEED..

thanx to my dearest fren for being there and not giving up on me..

i love u for doing this.. THANK YOU SO MUCH..

am i just too naive??

it is the time when i dont know what to do AGAIN..

when i thought i had the answers..

it falls back to my weakness..

of caring about ppl i love and treasure..

everyone says its a lie..its just a saying..its just a game..

to bluntly tell me to move on..

to forget what ever that was told to me..

to never let myself be hurt again..

yet..

i just dont feel right to just go away..

when i know the other person is going through a bad time

coz i went thru situations all alone..

and i know it is not gonna be easy..

especially when the person's ego is so high..

and any help would mean weakness to him..

before the msgs..

i was praying hard to GOD to guide me through..

after the prayers..the msgs came..

was it a sign..or just a coincidence..

i dont know..i wish i have the answer..

and i simply hate making decisions..

yet i dont even know what i REALLY want..

am i just too naive???

two weeks post exam in KK..

two weeks post exam in KK...

it has been a crazy time..

since the beginning of the Prof exam 2..

monday to thursday was packed with exam..

friday was announcement of result..

scary scary moments while the names were announced..

followed by graduan dinner on the night..

most of us dressed in our best..

all the photographs sessions..

all the short sessions of talking to the dearest lecturers

all the minor minor things..

that became so important..

as most of us realised..

it may be the last big gathering before we say our Goodbyes...

the next day was just lazing around in the room..

really didnt even feel like going out..

until i heard my tummy growling for some food...

and it was evening time already..

went to tapao uncle's bob fried chicken..

while getting some bakery stuff for monday nite..

sunday was bit pack also..

afternoon went for MCD lunch with 3 little brothers..

talk for such a long time..

while being stared by other juniors..

didnt manage to launch the jelingan maut thou..kekeke

came back..saw the FB msg..

oo...dinner with kimkim, connie and ying huei

at a nice western restaurant in lintas..

thanx to kimkim for the treat..

the next day...

appointment with car agent..

settled the document part..

then..lunch at 'Misai uncle's tomyam kopitiam..

dinner at cheau foong's place..

nice nice food of roasted chicken, sherperd pie, fruity vege salad and pasta..

sinful? extra sinful but its WALAH..

great food with great frens..

and then..cake time..

didnt turn out too well.. but stil ok i hope :)

the next day.. tuesday..

early morning went to service baby Joel..

and only finish by afternoon..

rushing like mad..

and then its time to go to KLIAS..

bit scary when we cant find the place..

but thank GOD we managed to get back to the convoy..

it was a nice experience..

sitting on the boat..going along the river..

some cooling breeze, cheerful frens..

talking, photographs...monkeys..

and of course the fireflies..

it was TREMENDOUS..

lovely lovely night..

with twinkling stars and bright moon too..

but it would have been better..

if someone is here too...

wednesday and thurday..

time to pack o LMC..

all my things.. 5 years of things..

is WALAU eh..

already discarded so many things to jnrs..

4boxes of stuff..

and the final things in my baby Joel..

1 super extra big luggage with layers of books n clothes..

with iron, 2 pooh bears.. etc etc..

4boxes of biggy ORI books..

1 box of important notes..

1 box of files etc etc..

1 big container of smaller containers and etc..

not forgetting other smaller packets of clothes..

pillow..etc etc..and my other sandals and shoes...

wednesday night.. dinner with YWL and LVS..

thanx for the treat LVS..

really biggy portion of western food..

and really good to try it before i go back..

thurday night outing with coursemates..

some nice time of togetherness..

thou movie not that nice and food not that nice either..

and thurday nite..i officially menumpang with fam sisters..

thanx to them for the hospatility..

love u two..muaxxxxxxxxxxx

friday..time to send baby Joel to the agent..

bit bit worry also

coz most of my things in the car..

after that.. brunch that the noodle shop..

followed by lepaking a while in lot 53 tmn fortuna..

while waiting for fam to come..

carry xpek's things back to her house..

then its outing time for the 3 of us :)

first stop was..

bukit bendera..aiyo..suaku me lo..didnt know ada bkt bendera here..

until the final week before i balik..

nice scenery of the KK town..

OMG..i didnt even go to suria sabah la..ish ish..

then..nex stop, coconut pudding + keropok ikan..

yum yum..gonna miss it..

next was uncle biscuit's durian puff..

wasted..didnt try to durian cake yet :(

then..romantic time looking at sunset at sutera habour..

after that, dinner at Gunters..

nice EXPENSIVE sausages and pasta.. walah..

then.. next is.. ATMOSPHERE.. for drinking session..

nice lepaking time with my two dearest frens..

gonna miss u two..huhuhuhu..

out plan of staying up the whole nite..

tidak berjaya after i start pengsaning first..

really duno how come so so tired...

the next morning...

sending xpek to airport..

time to say bye bye and hug hug...

met other coursemates in the airport as well.. hehe..

then..breakfast time..

after back in the house...

drowsy sensation started hitting me..

so i was sleeping sleeping..

until i felt hungry and it is maggi mee time..

and went to 1B a while at night..

then..fam's cousin, bubbly 'ah wei' came..with 2 frens..

and the house is really full of her voice..keke..

sunday..time to take a break for me..

they went to kudat..

while i baked some choc chips cookies..

thou most of it were burnt..

so so so embrassing...

dinner with jnrs also was cancelled..

so..really enjoyed the home environment the whole day..

Monday...yeah.. Manukan i came again..

went to snorkeling..but i wasted my chance for parasailing..arh..

and what did i get from this trip..

turn into BIG FAT RED LOBSTER..

super painful arms which are 'cooked'..

(please dont even touch coz it HURTS )

scratches on my right thigh..

but i'm still loving the tanned skin..kakakaka

after that, went over to Tg Aru for some light snacks of fruits

then photographs at Yayasan Sabah after 5 years..

then..time to show off our beloved UMS..hehehe

dinner was at Ang's hotel kopitiam..

then time to head back to home..and get ready for the next trip..

kundasang.. yeah...

Tuesday and Wednesday..

kundasang kundasang..here we come..

started journey after breakfast..

check in into Strawberry hotel..

nice cosy room for the 5 of us..

but the SUN was burning me even more..huhuhu

first stop was the memorial park..

followed my moo moo farm..

the nice chilling fresh milk is WALAH..

loving milk the first time..

and the most most funny thing happened..

saw a donkey-horse biting a gal's blouse..wakakaka..

nice scenery nice view..its just a replica of mini new zealand..yea..

after buying dinner, headed back to the hotel..

nice bath, dinner, playing cards..

and guess wat..by 9pm i was already swimming on the bed.. OMG..

the nex morning woke up by 4am but continue swimming til 6am..

then time to tk bath and then went out for some cold breeze with fam..

then pack, check out and went over to Ranau..

after breakfast..we went over to the fish spa..

really big fishes all around u..while the small ones biting ur dead cells..

dont know how come my legs became so horrible..

too many dead skins i suppose..

the extra marks on both my legs..

in which i could imagine mum's face already..

with her long lectures.. OMG OMG...

nex stop was the Hot Poring..

soaking our tired legs in the hot water..

nice nice..seeing how the veins dilate..keke

then..its time to head back to KK..

upon reaching KK..

headed to the coconut pudding stall..

then..after putting our things..

time to hunt for FOOD..lunch lunch..

stop over at Rafflesia Chicken HUt..

no joke..its my first time after 5 years..

the food is not bad thou..yummy..

or was it cause i was super hungry??

after dropping ah wei's frens at the filipino market,

the 3 of us went over to CP..

Memories of the days when i took bus there..

appreciated the few shopping complexes in KK..

all the walking around town..

until i have baby Joel to accompany me..

dinner was YOYO drink, my fave choc malt with pearl..

with the special boneless chicken wings with sausage..

tasty n its just nice..OMG.. its just food that im interested..kaka

it is nice to be able to meet ah wei..

her bubbly, funny spirit just make ur life so cheerful..

gonna miss her voice..kekeke

today is Thurday...

one more day before i bid farewell to beloved Sabah..

the next time im coming back will be during convocation..

time to rest and think back of the time spent here..

the memories..happy, sad, funny, bitter..

the frens i get to know..

the difficult ppl i met along the way..

the experiences i gained all these years..

the challenges i managed to overcome..

the path i chose to be who i am TODAY..

special thanx to ALL who have been with me all this while..

words of thanx just couldnt describe all the gratitude i have for u all..

i will definitely miss SABAH..cant deny it..

and of course..

SPECIAL SPECIAL THANX to cheau foong and Xinxin Jiejie for everything..

HUGS AND MUAXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

my hostel life

when i drove out from hostel on thursday..
memories of my first day stepping in Kampung CD..
flow back to me and yeah..it has been 5 years..
and i stayed in hostel for the 5 years..
from 4-in-1 room to 2-in-1room..to the beloved single room..
the memories i had from 1st year..
knowing no one..to knowing many ppl..
going through wonderful time with roommates..
bad experiences with certain ppl..
all the different people i met along the way..
friendly, difficult, ignorant..the list goes on..
how the hostel cafe has changed over the years..
the bus system of uni and to KK..
and just so many things..

remember those time when i had to carry my loads of things..
up to the highest floor.. no joke man
the whole hilux full of my stuff..
and that was only my 1st year of stuff..
got more things in second year..
and lucky thing..had the same room for 3rd and 4th year..
neverthless.. the two years were the most difficult..
no thanx to the few selfish ppl who brought nitemares to me..
too bad i cant share it out..
those who knew would have understand..
how i struggled through and stay sane..
and FINALLY had my own room..
it was the best thing that have ever happened..
after all the years..
my own privacy.. my own space..

still rmbr all those times when we had to come back earlier than usual..
and those orientation committee knocking on my door..
i had no choice but to put the notice..
'saya bukan pelajar tahun 1'..
all those selling jeruk, nasi lemak etc etc from door to door...
the noises for the hall each time NEAR Exams..
but lucky my final room gave me lots of peace..
except for the 'kling klang kling klong'..
of ppl walking/running/hopping up/ down..
the metal stairs besides my room..
as early as 6am...and as late as 1am..
haih haih...

my loads of things..
have certainly become more and more..
my books.. ori..costing nearly RM3K..
the photocopied ones.. costing another few more hundreds..
the papers/questions etc etc..
manged to pass to the jnrs boxes of it..
coz i really cant afford to bring so many things back..

how could i have missed out baby Joel..
my beloved who had came to be in my second year second sem..
thanx to my dearest parents..
who gave him to me as my 23rd bday present..
who have accompanied me thru all the years..
and will continue to be with me for many many years..
he will be back with my loads of things..
i darent imagine when he reaches home..
coz there will be even more things in my dearest room..
which will be officially be the store room..
and sorry bro.. im CONQUERING ur room.. :)

memories... there are really too many things in my head.. i just dont know how to link all together :)
neway..thanx to the hostel/jakmas for all these years...

my journey as a medical student..

My journey as a Medical Student...

i could still remember vividly...

the call i made and the voice machine telling me..

"tahniah..anda telah ditawarkan doktor perubatan di Universiti Malaysia Sabah (UMS)"

my next reaction was..

"mum, I got a place to do medicine in Sabah... Yes Sabah..."

i was skeptical, i was undecided.. i was lost for a moment..

but after all the encouragement and support and thinking hard..

YES.. UMS here i come... its been my dream to study medicine..

and i certainly aint gonna let this second chance slip away...

and THANK YOU UMS SCHOOL OF MEDICINE for choosing me

and gave me the chance to be here..

i came here for a reason...

and TODAY i finally knew the 'answer' why i am here for the 5years...

so after one crazy week of packing and arranging..

im here..with my 30kg of luggage (thanx to MAS for not charging me for the extra load)...

all fresh and looking forward to start my new phase of life...

meeting coursemates from all the states..

meeting wonderful seniors who are willing to help...

meeting great, dedicated and committed lecturers and specialists all the years..

without you all.. i wont be who i am now...

first year and second year...

things were bit boring..

theory theory and theory..

with some clinical examinations here and there...

cramming my little brain with anatomy, physio, biochem...

aiyoyo... i cant recall anything now :)

but we did have some wonderful memories of 'extra activities'

health promotion during 1st year..

first time in my life..

seeing pigs lying around the kampung houses like pets..

piglets and puppies playing together...

it was certainly WONDERFUL.. :)

and not forgetting the dramas we had..

all the 'sporting spirit', team work and commitments from all members..

they are certainly things u think back and smile..

clinical years were certainly another phase of medical student life..

1st week in ICMP was as if..

fresh bunch of 'guinea pigs' being released from their cage...

we 'scared' some of the patients according to our seniors..

we learnt from the patients..

we were guided by the HOs, MOs, specialist..

we were taught by our wonderful lecturers..

we were 'confused' sometimes with different examinations..

we reminded ourselves.. "this lecturer wan this..that lecturer wan that"

we were given the chance to conduct post mortems..

we were allowed to conduct deliveries..

we were basically given the chance to observe, assist or do things over here..

which is CERTAINLY a previlege as some drs dont even do deliveries like us..

YES...im certainly proud of myself to be here for the hands on experience..

from conducting deliveries.. vaccinated the newborns... pap smears...suturing..etc

and of course this wouldnt be happening..

if not for the trust, believe and guidance from the patients, nurses, the doctors..

thank you to u all for the chances given to me...

one of my most memorable part was a mother telling me..

she doesnt mind giving birth every year if im the one conducting the delivery..WALAH :P

4th and 5th year moved REALLY fast..

it was honeymoon year for most of us in 4th year...

different and learning new things..

and enjoying ourselves in community posting and district postings..

learning how to stay and run away from dogs during our house to house visits..

learning to survive with water crisis or 'milo' type of water..

the A&E dept became our lepak place in Papar Hosp...

outings to the beaches...

BBQ in the beach and guessing of 'ghost? buffaloes? cows? when a row of blacker moving things passed us in the darkness??? "

wonderful times we had in our elective postings in respective places..

then it dawned on me..

FINAL YEAR STUDENT..

hit me hard right on the spot..especially the disappointing first exam..

pressure and stress was really building up..

whether i like it or not..the feeling was certainly different..

telling myself i HAVE /MUST/ NEED to get thru this final hurdle..

with the last few months of preparation..

the hard work..the prayers.. the support and encouragement..

THANK GOD for the blessing..

THANX to my ancestors for the blessing too..

for guiding me through this...

it was certainly a long journey..

but im glad i FINALLY made it...

last but not least.. there are certainly many ppl i need to thank...

- first and foremost..are my parents..for all the struggle of raising me..for all the sacrifices.. for all the money i spent.. for fulfilling my demands... for being there for me through thick and thin..for believing in me.. for encouraging me.. I LOVE U BOTH FOR EVERYTHING...

- then of course to my brother and sis-in-law... for the support and encouragement.. and the teasing moments that made me push harder.. love u both as well...remember my pressie ok :P (then only i will plan for nice hotel :P)

- to my beloved wonderful lecturers..THANX so much for all ur commitments/ dedications and everything...for bringing out the best in me.. THANX...

- to the specialist/MOs/HOs all the 3 years.. thanx for all ur teachings, guidance and everything u all have done for us.. really really appreciate it (especially all the HOs who have helped us with...keke )

- to my relatives.. uncles, aunties, cousins.. thanks for believing in me...cant wait to meet all of u in penang...

- to my godbro eric.. thanx for the support, encouragement and just being there for me will all the long calls when im down... REALLY THANK YOU SO MUCH...yea yea..dark choc im coming im coming...

- to my primary schmates especially my melurian buddies.. THANKS ppl for believing in me.. cant wait for the reunion ( yes yes im planning im planning)

- to my other frens and secondary schmates.. thanx for being there..

- to my two great frens here.. siow hui and cheau foong.. thanx for being there for me during my down moments and for the pressure and support u all gave me..hugs hugs

- to my dearest pupuk partner, aldrin..kaka.. thanks so much for all that u have done for me..all the putting things in ur place..putting baby joel in ur place..and the list goes on

- to my first year gpmates (guang, kaifei, abid, aiewei, aldrin, shantene, shafika, mayhou).. it was a nice experience going thru the whole year and the time spent in health promotion.. the kampung life for me.. the generator system.. the korek tandas and tandas tersumbat.. the experience or working in darkness and heard screams..the opportunity we had, cooking and eating with Prof Chin :P..and how i could forget..Guang, where is the teddy we gave you??? hope its not under the bed.. and plz rmbr us when u see him..

- to my second year group (guang again,min ping, seim, teddy, izzwan, azreen..god who else..sorry cant rmbr d) thanx and sorry for my wrong doings...

- to my third year small group mates ( guang again (record 3 times..), kaifei, minping, haseena, sibah, merican) nice learning experience for clinical freshies with u all...

- to my forth year group ( connie, nithyah, zihan, sheehan, nadrin, sylves, abidah, bashirah, soofei) it was indeed a nice time spending the whole year with u all..the memories will always be in me.. gonna miss u ppl so much.. thanx for everything..

- to my 5th year small group (szumei, mimi, sebastian, loo, shafiqah, aizat, yus) it was certainly nice to be able to know u all better during my final year...sorry for any of my wrong doings..

- to my floor mates ( aiewei and piao)..haha..nice staying the whole year with u all.. the moments we sent smses to each other rather than open our door and just talk/shout

- to my juniors ( especially sze pei, cheah, yunrong, jiapeng, vinsern, waileong and the list goes on).. its really nice to know u all..continue ur journey... DONT MISS ME OK.. :P

hmm.. i hope i didnt miss anyone.. neway really THANX SO MUCH to everyone who have been with me.. listening to me over the years, supporting me, encouraging me and everything.. THANK YOU..appreciate every single thing u all have done and still doing for me..

- Keep in touch to all my coursemates...all d best

- Ppl in penang...im coming back... we are gona spend all the time i missed or PPK :P

- Melurians.. yeah, a reunion is around the corner... yea yea.. im planning...

take care ppl... see ya ppl... love and hugssssssssssssssssssssssssss

just leave me alone...

it dawn on me that..

things were all about u..

when its my time to open up..

its either u shrug it off..

and took it as if it wasnt important at all..

and it made me feel so unimportant..

when the truth is..

im really struggling thru daily..

and having sleepless nites..

while u have the heart to tell me..

to continue sitting on the chair..

while u have ur sleep..

i've asked for some of ur 'time'..

just a few mins to share my worries..

but..i NEVER have the chance..

all i was doing was listening..

listening to all ur worries..ur unhappiness..

supporting u when ur making decisions..

thou deep inside my heart aches..

while..i can only talk to no one about mine..

keeping everything to myself..

and thanx for promising..

that u'll always be there..

coz u werent there...

u've changed after this few weeks..

u shrug off my meaningful msgs..

as if u didnt receive it..

well..ok...if this is happening...

i wont cling to u like im dependent to u..

coz i wont let u affect me..

as my future is at stake at the moment..

so..JUST LEAVE ME ALONE..

coz thats the best u can do...

the truth is...

i wish i can tell u the truth...

the truth that i dont want u to take the offer..

im contradicting what i talk to whats in my heart..

u noticed the changes in my voice..

but u didnt know that i was weeping..

tears of uncertainty..

tears of insecurities..

but i dont have the heart to tell u wats in me..

from the call ystrday..

i knew my worst nightmare will become true..

u were so excited about all..

i could sense it from ur voice..

i could visualise what u wana do..

u gave all the bad points or the unpredictable of ur current position..

and talking about the good points of the new position..

how can i have the heart to tell u to stay on..

coz after all im just a bystander..

i rather i go thru the pain all alone..

then to make u include me in one of ur obstacles..

u din realise when i ask u the details..

coz after all the counting..

i wont be able to see u..not even spend time with u..

coz u will be flying of not for 3 days, 3 weeks but 3 months...

when u come bk... i will be working..

not to mention..i dont even know where i will be sent to...

then..we will be separated all over again..

when we so badly plan to be together...

all the promises...all the plans..

it will just fly with the wind..

all long forgotten...

ur okay as long as im supportive of ur decision..

meaning if i dont...u wont be ok...??

meaning... u will only hate me if i stop u...

so..i'll just keep quiet..

after all... i dont know if u really think of me..

when u got the offer..

coz i made all my decisions since u came to my life..

but i guess...u will be happy with the new offer..

so..just go for it..

and just let me be all alone by myself..

like i always have been..

thanx for the temporariness..of everything that u have done for me..

fairytale....???

the call that i received today..

made me think of so many things in a few minutes..

it is a happy news for the person..

and i managed to say..'well, its a good opportunity and things happened for a reason.."

but im contradicting myself..

as deep inside,

my heart is aching..

coz i know my nightmare will begin

as soon as the person accepted the new offer...

tears flowed down freely..

when i think of the things that we have planned...

coz it will NEVER work anymore...

and distance has always been an obstacles..

short term sux..and long term is HELL...

so..will there be still a future???

i seriously darent think..

promises??? its only meant to be broken..

m i sad? devastated?

i would say.. yes..all the negative feelings are flowing back

even though there's no confirmation yet..

better prepare for the worst..

rather than keep on hoping for the best..

and putting too much hope..

will only cause me more pain..

not forgetting the few other stories..

that only mean to tell me..

my position is not guaranteed..

so..is it a fairytale after all???

Thanx for coming into my life....

even though it was just 2 weeks plus..

being ur 'best fren' was something so meaningful to me..

it was a different feeling..

a feeling i never felt before..

and u certainly..

bring cheers to my life..

bring happiness to my life..

give me memories that i have hoped for..

give me hope and wishes..

and believing in me..

it was like a dream come true..

n i certainly hope it will continue..

and im so looking forward to be be with u...

and thank you so much for being there..

accompanying me through my hard times..

and never give up on me...

it really means so much to me...and..

thank you for making me ur 'best fren' too..

thanx

5th March 2010..

if it werent for my outburst 4months ago..

i wouldnt have known the true meaning of being appreciated..

i wouldnt have known what it really means to be with someone u care..

i wouldnt have experience the care by someone that means a lot to me..

i wouldnt have realized it was a TERRIBLE mistake of a decision made 6months ago...

i wouldnt say that i regret making that decision...

as i learnt about so many things..

things, decisions and experiences that changed me..

to be who i am now..

we finally came to talk about it yesterday..

after all that had happened..

and indeed the decision made 4months ago..

was meant to be..

it wouldnt lead to anywhere any way..

so..

why keeping the hopes high..

why mourning over it..

why crying endlessly over it..

why cant i just let go..

FINALLY i did..

THANX to someone who is there...

who came to my life...

who is there when i least expected..

who is supporting me right from the start..

without me realising..

and even hating the person..

and even asking ppl to mark my words that it will not go further..

just because of words told by others and not knowing that person myself..

how stupid of me...

but the persistence of that person's action..

FINALLY caught my attention...

it is time that i stop all the mourning..

it is time i move on..

it is time i open up..

it is time for me to allow myself to have a brand new start..

(When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us. Helen Keller)

THANX for being there...

cant believe it myself..

27Feb 2010 - each time before exam or near exams...i will have the same 'issues' that needing me to make decisions... hence, it made me think whether i make the right decision each time especially during my unstable emo attack... nevertheless, wat is happening NOW is way beyond my expectation, especially when i thought i was strong and proud enough to say something that i shouldnt say (OMG)..it is my wildest dream to be in my current position.. but im not saying whether its right or wrong...but..just hope for the best and not to take things too seriously.. and things happened for a reason.. just hope what ever that was told to me is true.. and then.. it will be a new beginning..

no comment...

each time i asked about questions that would give me answers..

'no comment... no comment.. no comment...

had been the reply...

what does it mean?

just not interested..??

just dont wana know??

just dont wana care??

all things forgotten..?

all promises broken..?

all words are just not meant to be...

it left me wonder...

all these while..

the hopes and dreams...

were just a fantasy...

it aint, it wont happen for all reasons..

as..it was NEVER meant to be...

yet why my heart still aches..

and i truly felt the ripping sensation..

that i never felt before...

if only i can turn back time

if only i can turn back time...

and thought of the consequences..

then.. i wouldnt have to continue blaming myself..

even up till now..

when 'they' flow back..

the missing pieces..

the things which was well planned..

the secrets that were just meant to be secrets...

the wonderful hopeful phase..

that have now left unspoken..

had become forbidden..

had been engraved deep under ground..

if only u could understand..

if only u care to think..

if only u bother to care..

if only u want to bother..

it aint gonna happen after all..

coz no matter how or wat u think..

u aint gonna let me know..

until..when it's time according to u..

but by then... will it still be meaningful?

well..

sometimes...things just happened..and i dont know whether it was meant to be...or it was just a test..or a challenge so that i will be tougher if these things were to repeat in the future... i dont know..somehow..pressure is building up, the stress is overwhelming..and yet, during this time, memories which i ought NOT to think, just flow back to me... im yet to know the answers to so many questions... and i wish i could.. why just the person make it ALL clear...?? as much as i have wanted something, there's no way i will have that memory permanent...coz, there's no concrete reason or something for me to hold on dearly...was it meant to be??..just to delete the whole thing COMPLETELY.. JUST LIKE THAT...?? its so hard for me to do it.. yet i know, those who are close to me, will certainly wan me to do it.. i can only say.. i wont stop trying..

hmm....

its so weird when out of sudden i was being question ' what will i do if someone suddenly ignores me after being close for some time?'.. not to say that it is a surprise, as its like a growing process and i think even NOW im experiencing it.. so i answered very directly to my close fren, " i will thank him/her.. whatever the reasons is, true frens dont 'abandon' one another no matter how buzy they are..so i shud be thanking GOD for showing me that this is not a true fren.. i wont bother to get back to that person also..whats the point..and i will tell myself that i DEFINITELY wont die without him / her..there are still other people who love and treasure me as who i am..

and i also learnt that, there is no point being goodie two shoes..im kinda being hit right on the head last nite.. if u wana behave as if u know so well, then continue doing so... dont come to me when ur in trouble, in need of sympathy or watsoever...coz..u dont deserve my attention and care in the first place..dont even know i was being so nice to u... something must have been wrong with me the last time...

guess its really a good thing when u dont have to know so much or even bits of things that is SO UNIMPORTANT and ya...mind my own business... enough of the hurtful words by ppl i care so much about...

its gonna be the final battle the coming 3 months... thanks to my wonderful 2 close buddies here for all their encouragement and pushing... may GOD bless us towards our battle and hope that everything goes smoothly for all of us...