IT has been more than a year....

it has been more than a year... yet the event remains vivid in my memory... no matter how much i tried to forget about it.. the memories just flow back without invitation... up to this date.. i still have tears flowing down.. the wound inside of me.. was never closed.. yet i could still feel every itch of pain.. it has been around 4 months since he last talk to me.. thou he sent me a msg last month asking me about a medical condition.. seeing me only as a doctor... while i had to go through the pain of seeing his engagement photo.. i didnt know y.. y i had believed in him.. y i had believed in his words.. y i had trusted him whole heartedly... only to know.. only to be sarcasticaly shamed at.. only to be humiliated.. what i am going through is something u will NEVER know... i have enclosed myself up coz of u.. i have forgot what happy / happiness means coz of u.. i have learn not to trust..believe.. hope..coz of u.. i have fake all my smiles coz of u.. i have pretended to be strong coz of u.. yet.. all u rmbr was me hurting u.. coz u NEVER REALISED.. how MUCH MORE U HAVE HURT ME after that... how i have begged just to see u.. how i stayed up late just to get things done for u.. only to be said back that.. u didnt ask me to do it.. i will never forget how much u have hurt me on my birthday.. and i pray..u dont know and wont have to go through this struggle i am going through... thank you for taking out the best in me...something no one else will ever feel it anymore...

should i....

I dunno y im feeling so worried in a way... With palpitations..headache n dizziness.. I havent seen d online sign from him for two days... I just wanted to know..if he is orite... But i dunno if i shud msg him... Shud i???

when...

When wil i b able to hav a proper sleep?? When can i stop thinking... When can i stop worrying... When can i just leave... Im really so tired very very tired indeed... The sleeplessnites for so many months... The never ending flow of tears... The nwver less heartache... Why is it tat i still think of him daily without fail... Why does my heart still long for him... Why do i still miss him so much... When he has move on...when he is now happy wif someone else... When i have now become invisible... It is painful...really painful... When there is so many things i wanna tell u... Yet i choose not to tell u... So tat u wont suffer my pain... Glad everything ur doing is ur family... But i din know why all im doing is still for u... Til at one moment i still visualise u in my own house...our house... Yet i know its an imagination tat wont come true... In a while...u may not rmbr me anymore... But i will always love u... Thou i know u dont love me anymore.. To u...love is temporary... To me our love is foreva..

i juz wish

I just wish ur here .. I jus wish i have someone to hear my pain.. I just wish im not alone in this journey... I just wish u can wipe my tears... I just wish..u are stil my pillar of stength... Yet..it wont happen... It has been silent for this few days... N im supposed to get used to this silence foreva... The heart aches so bad.. The tears stil stream down... Thou it has already been almost 6months... Time will not heal me... Time only made me grow weaker... Time only made me realise i deserve it all... I jus wish its all worth it...

its about time...

Its about time tat dadwill shoo me away from home... He has finally said it tat he would hav jus killed me whemn i was a child if im behaving ike now i am... Wat ever im doing has been deem rude..useless n non appreciative... While he forgot all d things he had done to me... He forgot how he ruined my happiness... Heforgot how he humiliate me in front of my relatives... How he disgrace me to his colleagues. frens n relatives. Wat does he know about all d struggle im going thru... Wat does he know of d pain he made me go thru?? Wat does he know about d tears i shed daily for so many months n its stil flowing?? Wat does he know about me hurting myself for the pain he caused me?? He knows nothing...al he knows wat watever he has done n doing is always right...while i am always wrong... I really wish God wil take me away... Im tired living in this fake life... Even navin who says he wil help me through hs told me its difficult talking to me... I hope he doesnt know wat im going thru was becoz of him..his love tat i have n still believe n ...i always believe my will of staying alone wil b all worth it...holding on But then again...i have lost everything... wat is there to go on living....

painful indeed...

I dint know...all this while he think i was angry wif him... I wasnt n am not angry wif him.. I only realise he think of me this way...when he sent me tat msg saying i am always angry wif him... When i said i am not...he said it is difficult talking to me... It was like a deep stab into my non healing wound... I dint know i am such a difficult person... I only said things from my heart..which is also wrong... I really dont know wat im doing... He doesnt even know how tough im pulling thru... He doesnt even know how i force myself to live daily... He doesnt even know tears were stil rolling daily every nite... He doesnt even know i cant sleep daily..missing him so much... But the msgs he sent me...has finally spoken the truth i guess... I will not burden u anymore... U further made me realise i wasnt worth it to continue living... God..plz take me away...

i dunno anymore...

When u told me the other day tat u wanted to bring me out for dinner... My little heart was jumping with joy... The main reason was...i missed those moments... Thou i know it will b so much difference without u embracing me...without u feeding me... I still wanted to just hav a simple meal wif u... Thou i know i would actually have more tears than joy... But somehow i knew the event wont happen... I still ask for some confirmation... Yet when u said it will b with hold til u sorted it out... I knew it wouldnt tk place anymore... Yes..my heart crushed all over again... But i din wanna tell u but to said its ok... After all...i have to get used to b all alone... I knew u took the effort to call me to continue wif d plan... I really wanted to go...but i know it was not meant to be... It hurt me actually when u hung up... There were not even a goodbye... But i wasnt angry... I was just hurt... Thou u told me u said take care... I din hear it...but even if i hear it..i dint know wat it meant anymore... I really dont know wat im doing... All i know is...everyday i still have tears accimpanying me... Time will heal??? I doubt it will...when..its pain im carrying til i die...

mixed feelings...

Week of mixed feelings... Glad when finally the booking was made... Will b more challenging for me to getd money...tighter expenses.. But i hope it will b all worth it later on... Other than tat...im still feeling so stress up n irritated at home... At times i wish i wont b told of things tat happenened when im not around.. I wish bro is the one who iz listening to all these nonsense at home... Y must he b spared wif all this disturbing news??? Y must i continue listening to all when im already so disturbed n down??? I seriously dont know d purpose of me living anymore... The other day..mum told me something i just dunwanna answer.. She told me i should move on n get married... Tat also coz i told her navin was arranged marriage by his parents... I dont know if he is happy.. But i have a feeling he isnt tat happy... He is trying his best to make me move on.. But its really something i cant do... I really cant force myself from doing this...

weddings...

I just rralise i dont fancy going to weddings anymore... Seeing all d pre-wedding photos... Seeing the exchange of vows... Seeing the happiness in everyone faces... It breaks my heart again... Wif tears rolling down all over... Knowing it was something i hav dream on...but i no longer dream anymore... Knowing so much it was all tat i hav wanted... Yet i can NEVER hav it... I dont think u know wat im going thru biby... I miss u so so much...

worries...

I dont know y is my heart beating irregularly... Tat also coz navin told me he wil b going to kl yoday... I hav tought he is going thete tmr... I hope everything is all rite... N hopefully his business deals go smoothly... I kbow how worried he is when his business din go to well... With all d debts..n d not approved loan for long... I really wish i can help him... But then again... I cant even afford to get myself my own place...my own car...haih.. Wish money wil drop from heaven for both of us... I m really touched n thankful when he assured me he wil b there for me... But is it im so selfish to hold on... Even though he has moved on... Sigh... I really wish God take me away... To safe all the aches tat everyone is suffering coz of me...

disappointment...as expected...

Yesterday was d day i tot i wud have some hope.. A hope of owning my own place.. Someting im so desperate of.. I really need my own space... Im really suffocating daily.. But when i saw d condition of d house... Its really a total disappoinment... I cant imagine staying in such a bad state... Sigh...as expected..ady hav some bad feeling even before going... There goes my dream... Im thankful tat navin is helping me to look out for the houses... Something he doesnt hav any responsibility in doing... Yet i guess it is only him who understands y i desperately need a place of my own... Nevertheless... I dont even know if i shud still msg him... It breaks my heart daily to know he is not mine anymore... He may still care for me like last time... But in d end..one day he wil still leave me..n b wif his wife...his family... Im feeling like a third party...secretly msging him without anyones knowlwdge... I know its terribly wrong... Besides...he is not supposed to take care of me... Im not his burden..not his responsibilities ever... Tears still roll down daily...knowingall his plans are wif someone else... Thpu i cant still imagining life without him... I really dont look forward to anything... Knowing tat...in d end...i wil b alone throughout this journey... Wat does anyone knows about life when ur world came crushing down... Yet...everyday i stil think of him when i wake up n before i go to bed... Im trying not to msg him as much as i cud... Coz i know its not fair for his gf to know this...to know im stil disturbing him...when after all im d one who hurt him d most... When he asked me how come he doesnt feel guilty despite knowing i stil hav such strong feelings... The only thing i can think of is... He doesnt love me anymore... N he just laughed at it... The reasons i cant sleep is so simple... I miss him so much...so so so much... But i cant b telling him

tears all over again...

Sigh... The time when i thought my tears will stop flowing... Tats when the flow of years start pouring down all ovwr again... N this time my eyes are really painful.... God... i dont know if ur listening to me... But plz have mercy when u see me in tears daily... Plz have mercy to see tat im really pulling through very very hard... Plz have mercy to see tat this pain is really unbearable... Plz have mercy to see tat...i love him too much to let him know wat im going thru... My love for him has never change... N hence..if You have seen me in dis deep pain.... Please take me away... After all..he is safe n belong to someone else... Tat was all tat had mattered.. N if im hone...he wont have tat burden to care for a useless person like me anymore... God...i really really am tired... I dont hav the strength to pull thru...

foolishness...

Hmmmmm... Y is it tat the day goes by wif more n more pain... I teally hope to get a peaceful mind...peaceful sleep... Yet it seems to b one of the hardest thing for me to do... At times i really hope to just sleep n dont wake up anymore... As im really really really tired... My mind is really exhausted... My soul is stil lost out sumwhere... I dont know how ppl take break ups so easily... I dont know how ppl can just move on so easily... The main reason im finding this so hard is becoz its not something i wanted... Im forced into doing it... Thou i seriously wish i can turn back time... Instead of giving up..i shud have fought for it.. Coz it was..it is something i jave always wanted.... Y did i lose the battle wif my own emotion??? Y didnt i persevere??? Im one of d foolish person on eart to let go of my faith...my believe...my love...my world.... I seriously dont know how to move on this journey.... I dont know if he really understands wat im going through... After all..he has chose to move on as welll... While i am still holding on despite everything....

headache...

head is throbbing to d max... with d constant lack of sleep... lack of rest to my little tiny brain... i dont even know how im going to survive thru this... its really tiring... im really really tired... i really dunno wat else to do.. n at d same time i feel guilty for burdening my foreva dearest biby... i know he doesnt have any responsibility to take care of me... to b concern over me... yet i dunno wat am i supposed to do... i wasnt angry wif him... but i miss him so much...midsing all d time spent wif him.. something i wont hav d previlege doing again... coz he has belong to someone else... i really feel my brain gonna burst soon...

upset...

sigh... y is it tat memories of us just flow back each time i see his eyes... i didnt know why i was emotional all over.... had a difficult time to sleep ystrday too... kp thinking of navins mother... dunno y it hurts me more when i kp thinking of her... felt so guilty...regretted i din spend more time wif her but went to clinic...sigh i dunno when im gonna b emotionally stable...feels like i wont... feeling upset...really really upset... i really really dunno wats wif me... im just so very very tired.... but wat i have really wanted so badly is ... for him to hug me tightly for a long long time...telling me i wil b alrite...n let me just sleep in his embrace like last time... something which wil never happen anymore... n i deserve it... i wish i can hav a peaceful sleep... something i never had..for a long time...

emotionally...

today was d day...when my emotions are tested again... biby told me his mum wil b in pgh for her physio... thou he said its up to me if i wanna meet her.. but sumwhete sumhow i know he wanted me to meet her... i was planning my strategy.. i din wanted her to know it was an intenional meet... but i was pretty nervous.. checked the place a few times.. then when i finally saw her... i was lost in my words... shock...stunt..yet glad... i hav wanted to meet her just to see how is she... she asked me how i was... that was d time when i went tongue tied...din know wat to answer her... with tears slowly pooling... i hugged her like my own mother n there...crying without shame in public.. i hope i didnt hurt or scare her... but i hope she knows i din mean to hurt her in any way.. i cud see d pain in her eyes.. tat made my heart ache so badly.. knowing tat she had tears after tat..made me felt so bad..really really bad...

it stil hurts...

tiring mind...tiring soul...tiring emo... i wish everything was juz a dream.. a dream tat i dunno whether i wan it to become true or not.. im seriously so drained wif everything... i wish i will jus collapse n end the self torture in me... i tot i was going strong with his help.. but now i know y he din wanns open up... coz it was related to d marriage i wasnt in anymore... d heart felt d terrible pain all over ahain when he mentioned this... it hurts to know the wedding plan once u used to visualised..has actually crumpled... but now its not about me...its more about him...his happiness is so important... i shud b happy for him for he is safe with a better person than me.. but wat makes me sad when he kp saying of my partner..my kids...which will never happen....

hmmmm

i dont know y..i had a few blackouts late at nite..as if my brain was shutting down.. but last nite was d first nite i had a sleep without disturbance...deep sleep without nitemares after such a long time... i dont know was it becoz i finally met. my dearest biby after so long... or was it d hug that he gave me... a hug i long so much... or was it coz i know he still really care for me... thou i may seem to tell him im prepared to b alone... but in reality..im actually very scared... but i know its something i wil b doing without regrets... i din know why mum was so smart.. when she knew the person im buying d knee guard is for him.. i din wanna lie to her.. so i juz told her its for his mother.. i dunno if i shud tell her tat he has belong to someone else.. but i dunno y i din hav that courage to tell her so.. partly coz i dun wan her to worry about me... partly coz i dun wan her to kp telling me to open up when i wont.. i dont know y my heart stil doesnt feel good... i know he is troubled wif many things... but i know he wont open up to me as well... i really hope things wil improve for him..really...

courage...

I din know how come i had tat courage.. To tell him i wanted/insisted for him to hav d knee pad i get for him.. I also din now wat made me to hav tat courage.. To b able to meet him n pass d package... But when i see his face...his eyes .. Tears just came down all over again.. I had to leave at d moment.. I din wan him to see me cry... But he took d effort to find me wif his bike ..no..not his bike..someone elses bike.. Found me wif tears.. The 10-15mins session was more like him seeing me crying... I darent even look into his eyes... I duno y it was painful all over.. Im thankful when he gave me tat hug..his final hug to me i suppose.. But tears were streaming even more.. I dont know if i can stil talk to him thou he said i can.. Im stil lost wif everything.. But wat im sure is.. My decision to stay alone n not open up wil remain.. Coz no one can replace him in my life.. This sacrifice for him wil b worth it..i hope it wil...

why...

Why did memories of him keep flowing bk? Why did my tears start streaming down all over again? Why did d heart ache all over again... Why do i still miss him so much... Why cant i move on... Why cant i b so strong like him... Why cant i just snap n stand up again... I cant n dont know the exact answer..but all i know is i still love him n will always love him... I stil care n will always care for him... I held on..n wil stil hold on despite everything... Call me stupid..but this is my promise n life sacrifice for the person i truly love..