disappointment...as expected...

Yesterday was d day i tot i wud have some hope.. A hope of owning my own place.. Someting im so desperate of.. I really need my own space... Im really suffocating daily.. But when i saw d condition of d house... Its really a total disappoinment... I cant imagine staying in such a bad state... Sigh...as expected..ady hav some bad feeling even before going... There goes my dream... Im thankful tat navin is helping me to look out for the houses... Something he doesnt hav any responsibility in doing... Yet i guess it is only him who understands y i desperately need a place of my own... Nevertheless... I dont even know if i shud still msg him... It breaks my heart daily to know he is not mine anymore... He may still care for me like last time... But in d end..one day he wil still leave me..n b wif his wife...his family... Im feeling like a third party...secretly msging him without anyones knowlwdge... I know its terribly wrong... Besides...he is not supposed to take care of me... Im not his burden..not his responsibilities ever... Tears still roll down daily...knowingall his plans are wif someone else... Thpu i cant still imagining life without him... I really dont look forward to anything... Knowing tat...in d end...i wil b alone throughout this journey... Wat does anyone knows about life when ur world came crushing down... Yet...everyday i stil think of him when i wake up n before i go to bed... Im trying not to msg him as much as i cud... Coz i know its not fair for his gf to know this...to know im stil disturbing him...when after all im d one who hurt him d most... When he asked me how come he doesnt feel guilty despite knowing i stil hav such strong feelings... The only thing i can think of is... He doesnt love me anymore... N he just laughed at it... The reasons i cant sleep is so simple... I miss him so much...so so so much... But i cant b telling him