pretending..lying

I know i am jus lying to myself... When i told him he shudnt msg me.. My heart was more than ever longing to hear tat beep...to see his name on d msg list... I was lying to him..pretending i was strong.. Pretending to him i can move on.. Pretending to him i hav prepared to b alone.. But the truth is..i havent..i cant move on.. I stil wait for his lil msg... But i know it wont come.. I stil wait for his lil care.. Yet i know i hav pushed him away again.. I stil wish to catch a glimpse of him from far.. But i darent even step into d place im quite familiar... I stil wish i can meet him... But i know even if he sees me in tears... he wont offer me the hug which i long so much to have... A person who taught me so much about loving someone..is also d same person who told me love is temporary... Then y am i stil crying daily.. Y cant i breathe nowadays.. Y is my chest so heavy.. y is there a sharp pain inside