2009...

2009...

yet another year passes by..

it was just like yesterday..

when i was typing about the memories of 2008..

and now..with a few more hours to go..

im typing about things and memories of 2009..

it was full of happy, not so good and painful memories..

but if without these mixture..

i wouldnt be the person i am today...

to start of the year..(im flipping through my sushi king's calender)

i remember that it was 10 days to exam..

sigh..so it was the second time that new year was near exam..

so, it was my usual stay in the comfort room concept..

but i was glad to be able to witness the fireworks display..

it was something, better than nothing thou :)

in march, was glad to be able to attend's bro registration of marriage..

it marked the day i officially have a new sister who loves me.. :)

so that i wouldnt be 'bullied' by my brother..

at least i know where to 'complain' if it happens..

also a sister whom i can share my probs with..

those that are 'secrets' to my brother and parents :P

coming to mid year of 2009..

that was the last posting for my 4th year..

we had the fun and memorable time being together for one year..

the two postings where we stayed nearby each other..

was the best moments of all..

even up to now..

i miss the time dearly..it was so different..

it was also the time when i learnt that..

u dont judge ppl by what other ppl said..

u have to be with them to know who they are..

and..just accept them as they are..

as everyone is unique and no one is perfect, so am i..

the mid year also marked a special time for me..

being able to do my electives in Taiwan..

was a dream come true for me after one year of planning...

though it was a hard obstacle in the Mandarin world..

it was truly a memory that i wont forget..

to spend 4weeks there, joining the TC activities..

and getting to know wonderful ppl there..

was something wonderful, really meaningful to me...

not forgetting the short trips we went around the places..

though not many..but its still something...

and ya..i miss the food there thou..keke...

oo..of coz not only Taiwan..

i am also glad to that we had a chance to stop by at Philippines..

ya..though its just a stop over..

but meeting the wonderful TC ppl there..

really touched my heart..

it was the time..i felt the motherly love in a foreign land..

and i certainly suit myself..

as they are speaking hokkien and english :)

the few days there was really meaningful for me..

i was touched deeply for the care and concern..

and not forgetting knowing nice frens and a close fren there :)

after the trip...had a 1month break..

it was time with family and frens..

really had a nice time just lazing around in the house..

and bermanja-ing with parents..

i bet those who are studying far from home..

will understand wat holidays mean to me..

so..after all the enjoyment time..

its time to start the FINAL year of my medical student life..

the title 'FINAL YEAR' really left an impact in me..

even though keep saying i will work EXTREMELY hard..

but mana tau..aiyo..still so tak bertaubat..

keke..but i REALLY hav to bertaubat ady..

not much time left for the FINALE exam ady..

so..hav to be super super guai..

1st posting didnt go well for me..

it was the moment that hit me REAL hard as a student..

panicky attack and lack of confidence always bring me down..

but i wont give up trying and trying..

and i will keep my head high, like wat my lecturer told me..

and hope that things will be better for me...

so, all the best to me for all my coming exams..

september came..

it was the month of many events..

first was a happy moment of me :)..

i was euphoric, smiling each time i hav news

i was happy each time a new msg came in..

i was above all when i received calls or was able to talk..

but unfortunately..it didnt go on too well :(..

yeah, it was heart breaking..

but it happened for a reason i guess...

im happy for the times we had..

and glad that we are still frens..

and maybe friends for life is better for now..

september was also my bday..

was happy for the 1st oversea call..

and being able to celebrate with close frens..

was more than enough for me..

love you all..hugs and muax

coming to the end of the year...

many many events happened..

the happy would be brother's wedding..

it was buzy few months of preparation..

and parents was even willing to spend the extra money for me to come back..

it was a bz bz time..but we are glad it went on well..

first time being make up by pro make up artist..

many said i looked pretty..1 or two said i looked bad

but watever it is..

i just wana be myself..and proud of myself..

before the year ends..

it was certainly disheartening to receive so many unhappy news..

my heart broke..and i cried for the ppl who had to went through the sad moments..

though it didnt involve me..i could feel the pain..

my prayers for them and their families..

and may GOD be with them..

after what happened..

i realised that i have taken many things for granted..

i wasnt able to let go of things and memories i hold on so dearly

but it has always been me..

i always care for ppl more than myself..

so when things dont go right..

i always blame myself..

thou most of the time i wasnt at fault..

i guess its time that i move on..

yea..even thou i said i wont care or wont mind..

deep inside i still do..

but i am trying my best not to let minor minor things hurt me..

as..i should appreciate ppl around me..

ppl who love and care for me as who i am..

in a few more minutes...2010 will seep in..

yeah..starting my new year with coming exams AGAIN...

and i just wana stay happy for the year..

single or not..as long as i live my life to the fullest...

being able to spend wonderful times with ppl dear to me..

being able to care everyone that means so much to me..

being able to love those i truly treasure..

is more important to me...

so..all d best for me..

for the nex few months of serious striving moments..

may all of us in our batch survived the exams..

and looking forward to everything 2010 will bring for me..

best wishes to everyone....hugs and muax...

it wasnt something that i've expected...

its supposed to be a jolly good time but while i spent my hours all alone.. i realised that i've been always the unwanted, unimportant and lonely soul.. nothing hav changed from last year...and i guess i know how to summarize how the year has past by just like that.. im pretty down at the moment im typing this? will i get better after i sleep? i doubt it...

i dont know why is it so hard for some ppl to reply sms sent, no matter how important, no matter how urgent, its just left like that..didnt they realise the importance of a reply to the sender? even a 'yes', 'ok' or even a smile is so much more important than just an ignorance...

the hurt and pain of being pushed away ..is already so hard to endure..yet, another disappointing hope..just crash my already broken soul.. i just wish no one new will come into my life, only to hurt me even more... i dont need all the empty promises... i dont need the unspoken answers.. i dont need the dreams or hope that wont come true.. just leave me alone if u only meant to hurt me in the end... stop asking me to be sincere or care... i dont need anyone to teach me that coz i have been sincere and true to ppl i know.. and u dun freaking understand me..so stop saying u do..

yes..i'm full of miseries.. i cant stop but mourn over it.. i just hope the new year will bring a new beginning.. i need to get my genuine smile back..instead of a smile that hides all my inner pain..

sorry is the only word

7th november 2009..

two nites of torturing moments indeed..
but i cant blame anyone but myself..
if only i had open up and told him the truth..
instead of saying not gonna tell him anything..
making him so pissed..
so mad and outbursted..
but i have me reasons of not telling him of my fear..
fear of having CA due to my persistent changes..
all the symptoms were kinda accurate..
its just whether i shud get it confirmed..

i NEVER had any intentions to hurt him..
coz i know he had be so stressed up with his work..
and knowing how his dad is having sleepless nites..
and the struggle he went thru daily..
i realised he had changed from the last time..
but it was my stupidity for not appreaciating it..
coz i have expected more..
the stressness of my own share of problems..
the depression of what may have happened to me..
and everything that wasnt going right..
i dont think i will EVER be forgiven..
no matter how i regret..
no matter how sorry i am..
no matter how remorseful i am..

i have hoped for some extra care..
but now..emptiness is what left for me..
do i deserve it???
yes i do..for hurting somone i treasure and look forward to..

it will be a total ignorance...thanx to mysf...

5th november 2009...
when the level of stressness is too awful..
thats when my brain starts to do stupid things..
this time..i just dug my own grave..
i didnt appreciate what i have..
i wanted more than what i could have..
and to send drastic hurtful words..
for someone that meant soo much to me..
that meant a whole wonderful thing to me..
and to badly ripped the other's person heart..
till the person was so irritated, mad..
thats when all hell went loose..

i got my payback..
it will now be a TOTAL ignorance..
no more even few msgs per day..
no more early morning msgs..
no more goodnite msgs..
no more some words of comfort..
no more..it will be nothing..
i have no one else to blame but myself..
i dont deserve to have anyone..
and my life will just go bk to the normal depress mode..
that will accompany me to my tomb..

two months...

in a few hours time..
it will mark the two months of a special event..
an event which may change something..
an event which may change everything..
or it may not change at all..
no idea how things will be like for the many months to come..
but for sure..
the hope and dreams will still be there..
no matter how difficult..
no matter how long..
no matter how emo it will become..
if there's a will, there's always a way...

will it come true?

1st NOv 2009

it hit me suddenly that..
all this while i've been in denial..
in a state of dreamland..
in a state surrounded by hopes and dreams..
only to realise that things might not turn out to be the way i have hope for..
reality indeed suck to the max..
yet i cant run from it..
i just have to face it..
will this be my last time pouring my lungs out?
or will there still be nights that i have to go thru silently..
habouring on the hopes that will not come true??
i wish i will have a confirm answer..
i wish could have been done for me..
coz i really dont have the strength to carry on..
i dont have the power to move on..
i dont have the determination to hope anymore..
neither do i have the heart to continue holding on to the dreams..
and pretending it will come true..

what a crappy day???

28th october 2009..
its the day when things go bit haywire..
or should i just say not so well..
firstly...i owe someone an apology..
a realy NEEDED apology..
for wrongfully bursting when i shouldnt..
saying things that i shouldnt..
when i know it was meant well..
i have went thru times when i needed my own space..
my own space to think, to reflect or to cry..
but why didnt i understand when someone needed one?
or i was just overly worried that something might have
happened from the conversations we had?
that i got annoyed when i was ignored..
i dont mean to hurt that person by typing..
'i aint gonna care or bother'..
coz deep inside i still very much care and want to care..
thou i felt rejected or outcasted..
i know i cant leave someone alone when he/she is down..
the same goes for this person..
who meant so much to me..
who was there for me when i was low..
who has been supportive when i needed strength..
and i guess its time i stand by that person as long as it takes..

then...talking to another important person in my life..
suddenly reality hits me..
it was something that i fear..
but i didnt expect the person to share the same thought..
hence came the question..
is it right to even start in the first place..?
when the future isnt something we might have hoped for?
will we be able to handle the obstacles upon us..?
or we will just give up when its just to hard to handle??
the journey isnt something easy from the beginning..
yet im hoping i will be able to carry on with the combined strength and determination..

the third thing..
some ppl just talk without brains..
yet they think they are just damn smart..
buzz of idiots..yes i just have to use that..
coz its damn irritating and ur just nothing but losers...

i hope tomorrow wil b a better day..
for i havent been outbursting for so long..
and just hope some babies will be cheering me.
coz i needed some smiles to carry on..

there's indeed a difference...

25th october 2009...
just when i thought of letting go...
something just prop up...
and made me stay..
it was a drastic thing i did..
something that i NEVER do previously..
i didnt know how i managed to do it..
thou it wasnt easy, yet a bit worrying as well..
but it was a move that made the other person..
realised my worth and importance..
so..it was a bit worth it..
but i promised i wont do it again..

being ignored and not bothered..
was something i felt all these while..
probably the other person wasnt aware..
until i did the same and hence the pain was felt..
it was then that my presence meant something..
the silence woke the other person..
suddenly my words hit the other person hard..
as i REALLY meant business and not joke anymore..

its bit funny thinking about it..
thou at that time my heart was smashed to pieces..
it was 'thoughtful' how the other person managed to use the 'trick'..
of making me NOT ONLY reply to the msg..
but also make a long expensive call to explain what need to be done..
as it was 'someone's life that we were talking about at that time'..
anyway, the msgs was actually to get me to reply..
was to make sure i stop ignoring..
as my weakness of caring for ppl betrayed me at last..
i cant bear to ignore that msg..
as i would be guilty for life if the fren really was not well..
but when i called..i knew it wasnt that serious..
it was meant to get my attention..
and to listen to my voice..
and to apologise with a few sentences of explanation..
it was nice to be able to tell things out..
and make clear of doubts and disappointments..


2 days have passed..
there's INDEED a difference..
which touches my heart..
which made me smile when im down..
a few lines of reassurance..
with a few lines of warmness..
with a few lines of caring words..
which i hope is true..
which i hope will carry me on..
which i hope will give me strength and support..
and prepare me to move to a new path ahead..

should i just let go???

18th october 2009

it suddenly dawn on me..
that i have to make a decision..
a decision either to let go..
or hold on strongly..
on something that i wish so much..
wish it will turn out to be true..
but alas..
i cant deny that its falling apart..
i cant deny that im tired struggling through..
i cant deny that im lost in so many ways..
i cant deny that im frustrated with the waiting..
i cant deny that im just lying to myself all this while..

i've tried my best..
i've tried many ways..
i've sacrificed what i could..
i've tried to understand what i dont..
i've went thru the days being alone..
shedding endless flow of tears..
with high hopes..
with strong believes..
with determination..
somehow things will work out..

nevertheless..
im going down..
im losing my strength..
im losing my grip..
im definitely losing myself..

how long can i stand???

16th october 2006..
it was 10 days ago that i posted a post..
i was down, low and deeply sadden..
but there were some hope after that..
some hope that i look forward to..
some promises of reassurance..
some words that could still get me through..

but after 10 days...
it was the same thing..
the repetition of things that i went thru..
the same reasons i assume..
but this time..
its even worse than the previous time..
as i thought mutual understandings were discussed..
mistakes were noted..but still..it isnt improving..
and this time..im feeling so unwell..so breathless..so hard to get up..

then suddenly..i received a msg..
the person was admitted to the hosp..
i knew something wasnt right..
coz my heart doesnt feel good since last nite..
and know..its crying in pain.
coz i cant do anything..but to keep on worrying..
and ya..praying and praying..
that was practically something that i could do..
the distance is really draining me..i cant take this 'torture' anymore..
i just hope promises will be fulfilled..
and the all the plans will work..sigh...
it doesnt help when my breathlessness attacks AGAIN
and this time..its making me so weak..
emotionally, mentally and physically..
how long can i still hang on..???
is it all my fault???

the lowest moment that hit me at the right time...

6th october 2009...
it was meant to be a special day for a dear fren..
yet it turned out to be the lowest moment for this year..
being accused for things i didnt do..
not appreciated for things i've done..
taken for granted for things i've done..
and being fired back for overly caring..
that was something that slashed my heart..
not only into pieces..but its just gone..
i will NEVER forget that sms..
that stopped my heart for a few seconds..
and hit me to reality..
that im just alone all this while..
enough of the waiting..
enough of the worries..
enough of the being overly worried..
until it affected myself, my life and my future..

the second hit..
was the disappointment i thought i could just hide..
yet it was not only embarassing to be reminded of it..
it was TOTAL humiliation to me after 4 years..
i had no one to blame..
but myself..
for being weak..
for losing my focus..
for being overly lousy..
for not having the luck at the right time..
this time..i really went under..
i lost my strength..
i lost my determination..
i lost myself..

will i be able to stand up again.??
i hope i will..and i need to do it fast..
i could only pray for the best..
and i hope..at least someone out there..
will be kind enough to pull me back if i sway again..

my first paintball event..

4th October 2009 - it is the first paintball outing for me after all these years.. it was a nice experience to be shot..keke.. having one shot on the head was terrible..i was bit shock for a few seconds when that occured but then return back to the game..the first few games was ok but the last game was the best as there is no dead session, meaning u continue with the game even though u were shot how bad until the pellets finish..my target for the game was sheehan, my ex-group member who irritated me last nite..hehe..he was also preparing to shoot me..so we were both practically shooting one another..i was hit on the head first, but i think my next few shots hit him on his neck and body..ouchie..but then, i was attacked by the side by aldrin, my pupuk partner, who was hit once by me too..i was distracted from attacking sheehan as i was defending myself from aldrin who kept shooting and shooting..ish ish..no choice but had to surrender after my pellets finished.. it was indeed fun, yet not my head contusion is getting worse.. hope to be okay soon enough..

the first month...

today(4th oct 09) mark the first month of a special event..
if the words marked the beginning of if..
it was that day at 2.35am m'sian time..
when the msg came..
after days of uncertainty..
after days of playing 'mental games'

it was still a miracle..
it was still like a dream..
it was as if yesterday that we met..
it was as if yesterday that we spoke..
but it'll be a long time until we meet again..
that also if we will have the chance..
that also if GOD allows us to meet again..
that also if my prayers will be answered.
that also if my dreams will come true..


i dont know how things will be..
but i will not stop praying and hoping..
hoping that the strength will grow stronger..
hoping that miracles will happen..

unspoken words...

Unspoken Words
Author: Purva Bhatia

Words unspoken, but not unheard
Subtle gestures spoke more than words
Two hearts willing to love
in between many silent words.
Silence- etched deep in hearts,
Though extremely close, were miles apart
Restless emotions but wordless feelings
Words now lost their meaning.
Raging emotions desperate to be seen
Finding no way...mute they had been
But eyes not numb, they said it all
And in the unbroken silence, love began to crawl.
Words suddenly hovering, when eyes met
But the language of silence chosen instead
Not said but not quite unheard.
Between you and me, thousand unsaid words.

somehow..this poem reminds me of something.. hmm...

just to be with u...

i dont think u will ever read this..

yet i wish u will somehow came across this piece..

many things happened the past week..

with the news that made me weak..

when i couldnt get to u..

i keep praying that GOD will bless u..

endlessly i cried for ur safety..

praying and praying that u will alright..

it was during that moment..

i realised that i could just lose u anytime..

i realised how important u were to me..

i realised how the little short memories we had meant so much to me..

i realised how i needed u to be with me..

with the many disasters happening..

many are predicting the world is coming to the end..

i am not afraid of it..

but i am not gonna be happy either..

there are many things i wana tell u

there are many things i wana share with u

there are many things that we havent do..

will we ever meet again??

will we ever have the chance to talk again?

will we ever have the chance to even text again?

i wish u could give me more time..

i didnt ask for more..only a few mins daily..

but it seems impossible...

it seems to be a dream for me..

i wish u could see the struggle i pulled thru daily..

i wish u could feel the pain in me..

i wish u could understand the loneliness im going thru..

trying hard to smile to the probs i go thru..

trying to be strong to obstacles that slow me..

trying to ignore the pain that is drowning me..

i know u have more important things to do..

than even text me a few times daily..

yet i was stupid enuf to only ask for two daily...

when i wish i had more..

it was really enduring going thru the same routine..

when my only wish is to be with u..

just to be with u...

unexpectedly..

sometimes when ur tired of waiting,

and decided not to care,

suddenly out of no where the msgs came..

was it being less caring and less worrying

will only save the heartache of waiting?

sometimes..things are just so weird..

ppl who used to be ur 'enemy'

have now become ur closest friends..

ur even more willing to open up to them..

but ppl who used to be ur close friends,

have now become far away friends...

u would be lucky to hear from them..

if not, u wont even be bothered

thou they happened to walk past u..

no matter what it is..

i always remind myself that life is short..

i aint gonna mourn like i used to..

its really no point..

it only made me feel worse..

hence..i just wana make FULL use of the time i have..

to do things i wana do..

to fulfill dreams that i have..

to fulfill as many wishes i have..

to love unconditionally of ppl i love and care so much..

to push myself to my maximum limits..

and just be ME...

i wont...

the pain of waiting is really draining me..
yet i continued waiting and waiting..
was it cause i was expecting too much..
or was it cause i was caring too much..
or was it cause i was worrying too much..
i wish i dont have to be like that..
as it affects me totally thou i said repeatedly i wont..

i guess i should really should stand firmly..
on the statements i always said i will do..
not to let anything affect me..
not to let anyone destroy me..
i just wana be me, myself..
appreaciating things i do for myself..
loving myself before others..
caring for myself before others..
i repeat.. I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY..
i hope the tears will stop flowing..
the pain will ease..
and the smiley me will return as it is..

i dislike that feeling...

though it is just only a few hours..
i didnt realise the time waiting for a msg..
is REALLY draining and making me nutty..
the msg is indeed very important..
as i need to know how and where the person is..
being so far isnt a good thing..
when u felt so helpless, being unable to do anything..
sigh..
how long shall i wait?
how long will it take?
it will only cause me another sleepless nite..
yet i cant blame anyone but myself..
for worrying too much..
for thinking too much..

silent love...

SILENT LOVE
Author: Reden Magpantay Jobli

Have you ever been silently in love
With someone you can never have?
So close you can touch her hand
Yet, so far to feel her heart?
Have you ever lived in pretense
Quietly loving without any condition?
A feeling of love that's unknown
Hiding it, not knowing for how long.
Have you ever fallen deeply
Loving the person unconditionally?
So afraid to say what you feel
Acting normal, keeping things still.

Have you ever been hurt unintentionally
But put on a smile, pretended to be happy?
Deep inside you're in pain and suffering
But outside you're jolly and laughing.

Why does holding her/his hand feel so right?
Your heart smiles everytime he/she's at sight
Hearing her/his sweet voice makes your day
Hope you can hug her/him in a special way.

another meaningful poem that i came across..

sigh...

it didnt turn out to be what i wished for, instead tears were rolling down...its been so many nites..i was thinking too much, i fear too much and i worried too much..i dont know how long this gonna last..its killing my heart in a way...

promises??

Promises

Author: Kathleen Tabin

I can't believe I fell for your lies
And now I'm the one who cries
Everything just seemed so true
But now you're making me blue.

Should I just leave you alone?
Can I really live on my own?
Others might even love me too
Yet I know I'll still long for you.

I'm waiting for you to call
But there's no sign of you at all
I know that when we're apart
I'll always have a broken heart.

You used to promise forever
But why aren't we together?
How can you do this to me?
Now that I thought we're happy.

The everlasting memories we share
I honestly found them so rare
Being together for quite long
I just thought we were strong.

I care for you and I do love you
I hope you love me the way I do
I wish you would keep your promises
Because I don't want my heart in pieces.

p/s: i like this poem, i dont know why..its just so real...or is it just reflecting things im going thru?? i wonder....

nice outing...

11th september 09- our small group had our first outing for the year yesterday, it was FULL attendance with all 8 of us, venue at 1 borneo, with the first stop, the bowling alley..keke..its been so many years since i last bowl, so its really so many 'masuk longkang' session, but im better a bit than certain ppl thou..keke..probably i just needed more practise..keke..after 1 game of bowling, we went over to pizza hut for dinner, after i REFUSED KFC...kakaka..sorry frens, i really dislike kfc ady..we ordered two sets of pizza and added on two big plates of spagetti..keke..yumyum..thou the food was below the level of expectation, i stil like the spagetti carbonerra best...the 7-up was more like plain water+lemonade??? ewwwww...

after dinner..its really the craziesst time of the night..probably its good that yus went back ady..if not she would have seen the craziest of all of us..we screamed our lungs out...if not everyone, i think it would be me...its really stress releasing time for me and i wish someone could hear the lyrics i shouted like mad..the funny part, we didnt really need the microphones as we screamed together out loud..kekeke...so fun..i miss those fun..kakaka...

thanx to all my beloved groupmates..its really a wonderful night out...cheers..happy holidays and selamat hari raya...

it's a wonderful outing

11th september 09- our small group had our first outing for the year yesterday, it was FULL attendance with all 8 of us, venue at 1 borneo, with the first stop, the bowling alley..keke..its been so many years since i last bowl, so its really so many 'masuk longkang' session, but im better a bit than certain ppl thou..keke..probably i just needed more practise..keke..after 1 game of bowling, we went over to pizza hut for dinner, after i REFUSED KFC...kakaka..sorry frens, i really dislike kfc ady..we ordered two sets of pizza and added on two big plates of spagetti..keke..yumyum..thou the food was below the level of expectation, i stil like the spagetti carbonerra best...the 7-up was more like plain water+lemonade??? ewwwww...

after dinner..its really the craziesst time of the night..probably its good that yus went back ady..if not she would have seen the craziest of all of us..we screamed our lungs out...if not everyone, i think it would be me...its really stress releasing time for me and i wish someone could hear the lyrics i shouted like mad..the funny part, we didnt really need the microphones as we screamed together out loud..kekeke...so fun..i miss those fun..kakaka...

thanx to all my beloved groupmates..its really a wonderful night out...cheers..happy holidays and selamat hari raya...

i deserve to be happy..i really do

10th sept 09 - sometimes its better not to know so much so
that u wont have to bother so much or ache so much... i dont
know what got into me, but i woke up suddenly..feeling so
'fresh' or probably it is a wake up call from the meeting i had
with a fren...its too many years that i kept myself low...
i know im gonna go thru some hurtful moments
these few days, but im not gonna let anything affect me... i
think all these years, i have mourn too much, worry too much,
being depressed too much, being a pathetic soul all these while
without even giving myself a proper rest, without proper
strength to rebuild my weakness and giving myself to be
TOTALLY happy without any worries inside... i dont know what
affected me, but i guess its time for me to love myself..to
care for myself and to pamper myself...enough of crying over
issues that sometimes dont bother me, enough of caring too
much over others and not being appreciated most of the time,
enough of trying to be with people who dont even deserve
me... i just wan to be brand new me...no one i mean it no one is
gonna ruin things that i have went thru.. im gonna make sure i
keep to my words, and im sure i can do it.. with my happy day
coming, i hope to stay that happy and cheerful for the rest of my life.. i deserve it... yes i do...

hmm...090909

090909- its an auspicious too many, so it is for me...but mine is more like a day for me to reflect back on the past 3 days of exam, to reflect how terrible i did, to reflect how miserable i went through, to reflect how disastrous of things i did, and how i actually dare to face this year, this year of being a FINAL year student... this posting is REALLY a wake up call??? expectations were high, but i guess the main problem lies on me, the problem of not knowing things that i should, the problem of having poor memory, the problem of losing my focus easily, the problem of being distracted easily, the problem of panicking during exam, the problem of having mental block when being pushed too much, the problem of shaking when being questioned too much, and the list go on...

hmm....when i will be able to really have the confidence?when i be able to have the strength? when will i wake up??i guess i just need to change, change from a miserable, pathetic me to a new person...oo..KY came the few days before my exam..it was REALLY wrong timing as i was so stressed up with exams but lucky still managed to have dinner twice with him...the meeting the second nite was really something that hit me hard, hard to the extent that he was actually patiently responding to my miseries all these years only to shoot me back that day..WOW..but then i know he meant well..its enough of me lamenting over the same thing, again and again..n hearing him 'saying' his fren over the phone, was like kinda 'sepaking' me indirectly ady...so when he talk to me about the whole thing, it was REALLY a 'wake up' call again...ya, i promised, i promised i will change and this time i mean it...im not gonna let anything or anyone bother me anymore...

oo ya...got some interesting news to share too..but hehe...only to ppl close to me thou...

what is going on???

receiving a msg at 3am wasnt something i've expected especially when its 3 more days before im so dead, probably crying over again how badly i screwed up for my exam...things are really getting out of hand, im feeling so drowned, and buried under tons and tons of things..i hope someone could help me, pull me out from this and resuscitate me...i REALLY CANT HANDLE this anymore...

and getting the msg at 3am from someone i have been caring so much, really cost me my sleep when i got a replied 'so what' when i told the other person im shock..that was when i got annoyed and shouted back...if so what, then y u wana msg me in the first place, then let me worried??? @#$% but i guess that person didnt mean it as after i hung up, a msg came saying things will be discuss today and hope i could give the person...i dont even know what tat person wan me to give?? haih..leaving me in such state, makes my migraine even worse, im already losing so much of my precious sleep, im running out of time, i felt like im collapsing but i know, i just know i cant leave that person alone today no matter how im gonna suffer later.. i could sense the person is going thru a very very tough time...yet everything is happening at a WRONG TIME...

GOD, save me from this TOTAL ..mess??? i dont even know how should i say.. im kneeling down, praying so hard to be guided through as im really really going down....

its really painful...

it came as a shocking msg,
yet it was just a temporary happiness
i didnt expect i would be so weak..
but waiting for emptiness and loneliness
was something i dreaded most
especially when im so lost
and my important msgs were
taken so lightly...
as if im so not important
and felt like being chucked aside
felt like being totally ignored..
by ppl who proudly told me..
i could count on them when i need to...
only to give me the cold treatment when i REALLY needed to..

enough of all the empty promises..
dont even promise when u cant even do it..
dont promise when u dont even know..
all those simple words
mean so much to others...
who are actually so fragile..
who actually went thru this pain repeatedly
only to have to go thru it again and again...

probably its fated...
its just a destiny..
to be given the hope..
only to be hurt again and again..

S.I.E.E.S

it is the time again when i was hit by the SIEES.. it is really the moment i dreaded most as the pressure load in me is beyond what i have imagined..i thought i was mentally prepared for this year but in the end, i am still weak and finding my way through the 'thick jungle' where im lost too many times to be exact..i didnt expect my tears to roll down again last night, over all this workload and the issue that im being bothered with.. being pushed to admit what ever inside me was something i didnt expect and it was so uncomfortable..so wat if i revealed? so wat if the other person knows the things i dislike? so what if the person knows im annoyed of the fact that im being ignored??? blame it on the network, ya right but in the end, i NEVER do that, leaving important msgs and questions unreplied even when im so dead buzy..it certainly ANNOYED me...as most of the time when i sent msg to someone nowadays, it meant im really in trouble and really need someone to talk to..if not i wouldnt even want to send, wats the point when all i got in return was emptiness and hopelessness...hence, it kinda hurt me in a way when someone who promised to be there for me and telling me to contact when i needed someone as the hp wil be on 24hours, also din wana bother me...fine...fair enough.. since im so unwanted, so ignored, so not welcome, i will return to my own nature of keeping everything to myself... i've had enough of waiting, waiting and waiting... its a torture... it really is..

how come when reality hits, is just so hard?

am i just weak..or i just cant let go of it?
have i actually made up my mind?
or i was not sure what i want?
why am i making things so complicated?
yet i know things just wouldnt work...

haih...
i wish i dont have to go thru all of this
especially when im already drowning real bad
only ME knows the peak of me at the moment
waiting to explode when the time isnt right
to someone?
to something?
but i really hope not..
coz i dont wana hav any more regrets
especially hurting ppl dear to me...

please guide me through....

so...wat is it all about...

it is hard to go on loving someone who cud never be urs, its
harder when the person u love doenst feel the same but its
much harder when the person u love loves u for fun... with
that msg that i received from my fren, Paolo in philippines and
a poem by Eric, it suddenly strike me to start typing things
that im supposed to clear from my head....

relationship...

is it a frenship plus love?

is it an attachment to someone?

is it a burden for the person u love?

is it a sacrifice for the special someone?

by saying 'I LOVE U'

what does it really mean?

u love the person for who he/she is?

u love the person becoz he's plain gorgeous?

u love the person becoz she's a babe?

u love the person becoz he/she is kind to u?

u love the person becoz of the gifts u received?

u love the person becoz of those kind n supportive words?

u love the person as a stepping stone for u?

u love the person becoz u just wan to feel being loved?

u love the person becoz ur plain desperate to be in a relationship?

or u truly love the person from the bottom of ur heart
despite all the conditions u have to go thru for them?

by TRULY loving someone,

it isnt about JUST PLAINLY saying the famous '3 words'

it isnt about sending lots and lots of messages

it isnt about talking to each other for long hours

it isnt about hanging out with each other for many hours

it isnt about throwing tantrum when things go wrong

it isnt about blaming one another when things turn sour

it isnt about being annoyed when being cared about too much

it isnt about being irritated when being asked to much'

it isnt about giving and receiving lots of gifts

and certainly it isnt about neglecting people n things around u

so wat is it about then?

to me...loving someone is..

to spend quality time with them thou its short

to care for them endlessly no matter how they dislike i

tto be with them no matter how busy things will be

to sacrifice for them without complaintto shower them with affection always

to support them when things go haywire

to encourage them when they are down

to be understanding when u just need to

to NOT blame them when there'r misunderstandings

to NOT blame them when there'r arguments

to NOT finger pointing when there'r grudges

to be able to forgive and forget

to be their ears when they need to pour out

to be their pillar when they need the support

to be their eyes when they are lostto be their 'rainbow' when they need some colour in their
gloomy days

to be their 'sunshine' when they need some light

to be their 'moonlight' when they are in darkness...

and certainly NEVER take things for granted

TRULY loving someone

could sometimes be painful

could sometimes be torturing

could sometimes be tearful

could sometimes be suffering

but all these experiences

will only make u more mature

will only make u stronger

as i always believe things happened for a reason

NOT being able to be with the person u love

is indeed an enduring moment in life

is indeed a missing parcel in lifeis indeed something one never wants to experience

is indeed a challege that is not only tough yet suffocating at times

yet..its just another experience in life...

even if u cant be with the person u LOVE, i feel...

we can always pray for their happiness

we are happy when they are happy

we share their sorrow when they are down

we care for them when they need us towe be with them when they need us to

we support them when they are low

as after all, we may be their close or bestest fren after all...

and thats how i have been loving people around me...

LOVE is indeed a complex thing...

different ppl have different opinions...

but before i end...i truly hope that

who ever that is in a relationship..

to truly appreciate it and not taking it for granted.

.who ever that is not..

think carefully before u even start..

understand wat LOVE really means..

coz it certainly need lots of commitment,

sacrifices,

respect,

honesty,

care,

time

and certainly strength mentally.

.to maintain a harmonious r'ship

to maintain a peaceful r'ship

to create a strongly bonded tie..

its not an individual basis..

as it involves ur other half..

to complete u....

i guess that's how serious i take frenship, so..wat difference
will it be for me in a relationship??? i wonder....

Love Zodiac Profile for the zodiac sign Virgo. :)

If you are Virgo:
You appreciate honesty in your relationships. You like to dominate your relationships. You take great care of the person you fall in love with. The commitment level you show is very high in your relationships. You tend to be a slow, sweet lover. You know how to make your partner feel very special. Loyalty is extremely important to you in a relationship. You do not like public display of affection. You like to get mushy at times. You are protective about your relationships and do not like taking risks.

Your kissing style:Your kisses are nice and very sensual.

To attract you, the opposite sex must be:well dressed, down to earth, trustworthy, appreciative, etc.

You are more compatible with -Pisces, Taurus, Capricorn

You are less compatible with - Aries, Libra, Aquarius

relationship???

6th august 2009- it the third week of my medical senior
posting(MSP)..was i lazy or im just tired or im just afraid of
the endemic??? i feel so weird to be back bit early today, but
i will definitely be more hardworking when there are days
when i have to stay back for classes or teachings.
neway, a few things happened this few weeks. the worst was
the outbreak i had on a fren who was actually having some
relationship problem. i guess i was just stress up with so many
things in my head, which include my own personal problems.
probably the wrong thing was told to me at the wrong time. he
was shock by the way i responded. it was so unlike me to
actually fired back someone for their actions. maybe he was
right after all, i dont have the rights to even say anything
about relationship thingy when i dont even have one. if so, why
ask me or talk to me about it in the first place..he's not the
first thou...haih...nevertheless, managed to patch things up with
him last nite as he knew i didnt mean to hurt him in anyway,
just that i was REALY stressed up the other day. he even
mentioned the email i sent to him was true enough, but will
wait and see how his so unpredictable and losing end
relationship will go...

so..relationship?? wat is it all about? is it just another frenship
but just add a bit more of love and care??? was it just about
being euphoric and happy all the time??? or was it just
another phase of life before marriage??? many have opinions
on relationship.. i have my own, and probably because of that i
am still single until GOD knows when.. am i ready to open up?
the answer i myself wasnt sure..to me, relationship isnt just a
bout being with someone. its about being committed in a
relationship which may need sacrifices at times. how much we
love someone, isnt just by the famous '3 words'. some ppl are
particular when their loved ones NEVER said those words to
them, but is it that important when the truth is they say just
because u like it, or is it more important when they TRULY say
it from the bottom of their heart???

i have heard so much about putting the blame on others when
the relationship turns sour.. i guess before blaming it on
others, one should just stare at the mirror and ask
themselves, have they done enough in that relationship, or
what they are doing is right?it isnt just about being there for
someone, its about understanding wat each other is going
through, be there for them, support them and see them
through those tough moments. yeah, a close fren can do the
same, but being a partner, u ought to do more coz u may be
the person ur partner trust the most after all..so, why pushing
the person away when u initiated the relationship in the first
place? if u dont wan someone to be too close to u, then dont
even think of being in a relationship, being close frens or
maybe just normal frens will do..i simply HATE ppl who just
take relationships for granted. and feel even worse when
someone ended the relationship then tried to be pityful,
sorrow and pretended as if the other person was in the
wrong..HELLO..wake up please.. stop all the nuisance and move
on. if u dont understand what 'LOVE' really mean, dont even
dare say it...

i kinda lost my poetry skills..or probably i dont have the
inspiration to properly sit down and type it out..just give me
some time and im sure i will be able to produce one...till then...

nice meeting up...gona miss u ppl again...

being able to meet my dearest buddies yesterday was one of the best moments i had for this holiday...it was nice catching up with alicia and jean nie as justin, dinesh, vassun and myself had met up 3weeks ago during the first meeting up in which chin yen and shun yit were present as well. it was back to our 'usual' place, egate's starbucks. the last time i met alicia was like 2 years back i think and that time only 3 of us, she, justin and me were present.. dinesh was still in ukraine while yit was having some sickness i think.. okies..it was overall a nice catching up time and most are or will be in the working line soon, with me, justin and alicia the remaining students in the group..keke..just hope things will go on smoothly for all of us.. some things just wouldnt change as we would still be gossiping about the same thing all over again with more juicy stuffs to add in as the time goes by.. =) we had some fun telling jokes and experiences etc etc.. ya, indeed miss those times when all of us were in penang, now a bit hard to organize a reunion with everyone present as there will be different working hours and a number not in penang or malaysia like ernest in NZ, yong chang in Aussie, alicia also will be returning to UK next week and not sure when will be the next time she comes back, and also the rest whom we have not met for ages.. im kinda being bullied my dinesh for this heavy responsibility of informing others which i dreaded like hell so, im sorry to those whom i didnt inform as i dont have everyone's contacts.. i simply dont fancy the sentence when they said 'im the best organizer and without me, they will not have reunions etc etc'..its a 'trap' , not a compliment im very sure as they would be expecting me to organize again and again which i have indirectly been doing... BIG BULLIES... probably they just know me too well to say 'NO' when they asked me to..haih..my heart softens for them..

alrite..i better get my work done...its another 2 more days...aiyo..sien nia...

two days of shopping madness......sorry dad...

wow...it has been a long time since i went for a shopping
spree..and really kesian my poor dad who felt that i was
revenging by shopping..hmm how true it was..it was really luck
that we went shopping when i was feeling down and upset over
some issue..i was happy to see so many things on sale, some up
to 70%, so it was digging time and trying so many blouse and
shirts...i bought 2 jeans, 4 blouse and 1 singlet...and today
bought a new alain delon shoe which i like so much..yippie.. dad
already screaming for mercy by staring his biggy eyes at me
and saying what ever i touch, may it be shoe, sandals or
basically anything to be not nice so that i wont need to try and
then the next thing he knows, his credit card would be
swapped again... i guess i covered almost everything that i
wana buy except those toiletries.. i wish the government will
really implement the same price for things in sabah and
sarawak as the differences for toiletries are a few ringgit
each item. imagine all the extras ppl over there have to pay
and mind you there are many ppl who are really really poor
that even RM1 for seeing a doctor in government hospital
means a lot to them.. p/s: i just hope that my luggage wouldnt be
overweight...hehe..and ya..i still forgot my food items...oh
my..and dad just counted, his credit card bill already passed
the RM1k line, and that's only for one of his
cards..oopsieeeeeeee

two days of shopping madness......sorry dad...

wow...it has been a long time since i went for a shopping
spree..and really kesian my poor dad who felt that i was
revenging by shopping..hmm how true it was..it was really luck
that we went shopping when i was feeling down and upset over
some issue..i was happy to see so many things on sale, some up
to 70%, so it was digging time and trying so many blouse and
shirts...i bought 2 jeans, 4 blouse and 1 singlet...and today
bought a new alain delon shoe which i like so much..yippie.. dad
already screaming for mercy by staring his biggy eyes at me
and saying what ever i touch, may it be shoe, sandals or
basically anything to be not nice so that i wont need to try and
then the next thing he knows, his credit card would be
swapped again... i guess i covered almost everything that i
wana buy except those toiletries.. i wish the government will
really implement the same price for things in sabah and
sarawak as the differences for toiletries are a few ringgit
each item. imagine all the extras ppl over there have to pay
and mind you there are many ppl who are really really poor
that even RM1 for seeing a doctor in government hospital
means a lot to them.. p/s: i just hope that my luggage wouldnt be
overweight...hehe..and ya..i still forgot my food items...oh
my..and dad just counted, his credit card bill already passed
the RM1k line, and that's only for one of his
cards..oopsieeeeeeee

what does my birth date says about me according to FB....it is super super true..goodness

birthday date : 18 --------------------------------------------

Your Life

At first glance, people think you are quiet type of person. Actually you are cheerful, but conditionally. You will show your joyful character only in good mood. One the other and, when you are moody, no one would dare to be around. Because of your emotion fluctuation and frank character, some find you hard to be around.

Your Love

You hardly show your feeling towards opposite sex no matter how much you like him/her. Your partner also has similar character so Your Loveaffairs often take quite a while to flourish. Time tells it all. Your sincerity makes you very attractive.Your birthday on the 18th day of the month suggests than you are one who can work well with a group, but still remain someone who needs to maintain individual identity. There is a humanistic or philanthropic approach to business circumstances in which you find yourself. You may have good executive abilities, as you are very much the organizer and administrator. You are broad-minded, tolerant and generous, a compassionate person that can inspire others with imaginative ideas. Some of your feelings may be expressed, but even more of them are apt to be repressed. There is a lot of drama in your personality and in the way you express yourself to others.

birthday date : 18 --------------------------------------------

Your Life

At first glance, people think you are quiet type of person. Actually you are cheerful, but conditionally. You will show your joyful character only in good mood. One the other and, when you are moody, no one would dare to be around. Because of your emotion fluctuation and frank character, some find you hard to be around. Your LoveYou hardly show your feeling towards opposite sex no matter how much you like him/her. Your partner also has similar character so Your Loveaffairs often take quite a while to flourish. Time tells it all. Your sincerity makes you very attractive.Your birthday on the 18th day of the month suggests than you are one who can work well with a group, but still remain someone who needs to maintain individual identity. There is a humanistic or philanthropic approach to business circumstances in which you find yourself. You may have good executive abilities, as you are very much the organizer and administrator. You are broad-minded, tolerant and generous, a compassionate person that can inspire others with imaginative ideas. Some of your feelings may be expressed, but even more of them are apt to be repressed. There is a lot of drama in your personality and in the way you express yourself to others.

i wish i dont have to go thru this again...

even though it was barely 2 hours,the short coffee session was more than enough,for me to realise how naive i was,or was it how pathetic i was,to keep the hope alive,a hope that was long gone,and would not ever happen again..
i missed my chances 6 years ago,and never will i have it back ever again,it seems easier to say than done,but i guess thats something i have to endure,whether i like it or not...the stabbing pain will forever be feltthe haunting memories will always be present..and the embarassment of every meeting will be swallowed though its so hard...
its time for me to build up my strength,im sorry for giving u the negative impression,i have my own reasons that u dont know,and i just dont have the heart to tell u about it..u have ur own worries..u have ur own goals..it seems that we have drifted very far apart,and im not sure if there is still the string to pull us back..i hope there is, even though the more u speak,the more i felt i am talking to a different person..its good that u have changed for the better..u have ur life, ur goals, ur determination..i guess i could only watch from far..like wat i have been doing all these while..to pray silently for ur well beings..and always hoping the best for u..thank you for still remembering me..as frens we will forever be...and please never give me any hope ever again...its more than enough..please...its torturing...

will i let the chances slip away again???

when i received the call during dinner time,
i was surprised to see the unknown number,
i was at first irritated as i thought it would be yet the time,
when i had to entertain some unknown number,
however, i was even more surprised when i heard the voice,
the voice that was familiar and i was so long to hear,

i wish the person had call earlier
so that a more proper arrangement could be made
so that i wont have to reject a second meeting up
so that i wont have to hear the gloomy voice when i said i couldnt
so that i wont have to cry so badly inside
so that i wont have to feel the stabbing pain that i thought was long gone
so that i wont have to feel my 'second chance' slipping away...

it was a different feeling i din expect to feel
it was a torture i din expect to feel
it was a dream i din expect to happen
it was a nightmare i din expect to repeat
im jumbling everything up
im having all the mixed feelings
im going thru more pain than i used to have...

why?
why is it happening again?
why cant i fully let go of IT when i strongly said i could?
why do the feelings keep coming back?
why are the memories still haunting me?
why am i so weak inside???

i am lost again in my own thoughts
i am lost again in my own dreams
i am lost again in my own nightmares
but will i be found again in a warm secured place that i used to share?

i cant control the tears inside
neither could i control the tears that rolled down freely...
i wish i could do more than what i have done...
the guilt is too much for me to handle..
the pain is too much for me to bear...
but yet the feelings that is deep inside me has never left
i wish i could tell u the truth
though i know it will scare the hell out of u again
and this time the consequences would be worse
as u once told me before, it would...
but shud i just let the chance slip away again....???

haih..the dreaded syndrome of going bk to KK...

it will be another 10 more days before i fly back to KK..its terrible when the 'syndrome' i dreaded most is hitting me back..sigh..i guess i just have to accept the fact that life will be a total hell after this...im more worried that looking forward for my FINAL year..i dont know why but its haunting me daily..i just pray that things will go on well for the coming year..

neway, its a pretty buzy last weekend starting from last friday.. bro came back and the whole family went to take our dearest most awaited proton exora..its the new family car which is meant for bro's wedding and for future use..bro 'opened ceremony', being the first to drive and get used to the car, dad was the second person while i only managed to drive once on sat with bro patiently sitting beside me..(thanx to him for convincing dad that my driving is ok) ..but,dad is still not confident with me, but i aint gonna let go of any chances that i will have..its a bit pressured driving the biggy new car as dad constantly reminded us its for bro's wedding..its his newest darling..keke...

hmm..ok, i better get my reports done by hook or by crook this week..still have a few frens i need to meet, hope to be able to do so before i fly...till then..chiaoooooooooo

my first full day at home

19th june 2009- i survived my first full day at home...im adapting to the life at home..probably its just fated so that i will appreciate my home more than i should :) im trying to take things positively, no point throwing tantrums or mourn over it anymore. no matter i like it or not, i just have to stay at home till 23rd june 2009. hence, i think i will put on more weight as im hunting for food like my nature of a mouse..keke..so, dont shock to see me like a hot air balloon..to my dear friends, hope to meet up with u all after this period..just hope my flu symptoms will go away..the weather is FREAKING hot..

14-18th june..beginning of my nitemare...

14th-18th june 2009- the activity on sunday was cancelled, so basically we were doing out last minute pack up and cleaning the hostel we had been staying for the past month. i couldnt sleep that night or i just had my short deep slight of 4 hours and woke up around 4am. i tried to get back to sleep but ended up tossing around the next two hours before i decided to wake up and surf the internet. around 8am, we started washing the blankets and bedsheets and just lingered around in the living room. around 10.15am, we went over to shi
gu's house to eat the specially cooked red bean plus a few other wheats with milk for breakfast. it's quite speacial as this is the first time i ate this but it reminded me of the black glutinous dessert(bee koh muai) we usually have back at home. after the breakfast at shi gu's place we went back to the hostel and did our final packing. i went down to tapao my favourite 'kala chicken burger' for my last lunch in hualien. its just so yummy and i definitely gonna miss it...

around 3.00pm, we departed to taoyuan by train. 8 of them got down in taipei while the remaining 5 of us got down at taoyuan. there were some miscommunication as the shi bo in taoyuan didnt expect us to reach until the following evening. everyone were basically saying the same thing when we were there and they kinda 'blamed' us for changing the flight earlier. we had hard time convincing them we didnt..sigh..really dont know which part
went wrong.. by the time we reached taoyuan's jing si tang, it was already 7pm plus. we were very fortunate and thankful to the shi gu who warmed up the dinner for us..really gan en oo..after dinner we waited for yu shen's aunty to reach and only managed to talk to her for a while. we headed up to bed after that but thank goodness that we managed to get the password for the wireless connection..so, managed to update the rest of our whereabouts.

the next morning, we had breakfast at 6.30am before attending the morning dharma sharing by master cheng yen. after the meeting, we headed back to our resting room and surfed the net or took short naps in between as we were actually quite tired. i didnt manage to sleep the whole night and was basically scratching like mad as i was bitten by some bugs and mosquitoes.. at around 11am, we went down for lunch and by 11.30am, we went over to the airport as our flight to manila was at 1.55pm. after checking in, we gave the shi bo(s) and shi gu(s) the gan en cards and some souvenirs from sabah. they were so happy to receive it as it was really unexpected...

we landed on manila international airport (it is actually has a special name, nang oi or something close to it) at around 4.pm..after taking our luggages we walked out and were greeted by two of the shi gu(s) whom we had met during our first trip there and another new shi gu..they were so happy to see us, so am i..i felt so so so much at home in manila probably coz they speak more english here with hokkien, not so lost in taiwan :) we stopped by at a famous cake shop on the way and shi gu treated us the most expensive cake there, a super richly coated chocolate cake.i felt so so happy and blessed. fam and i even had our
cups of coffee for the day..hehe..and fanjiet was also lucky to be treated with the famous halo-halo as he didnt eat the first time coz he was having flu and cough that time..after that we continued our journey but the traffic was REALLY SUPER bad that we actually stuck in the jam for around 1 hour plus and its time for dinner..most of us were actually quite nauseated with the bad traffic and the driving was terrible, with the sudden jerk here and there..shi gu(s) brought us to a vege restaurant and they ordered so many dishes; fried rice, a type of vege (something like lo sun), herbal vege soup, fried banana, fried seaweed(fake
squid), some fried vege wrapped with big seaweed and fried fake 'kidney'..it was very delicious and we were very full up to our esophagus levels..really really gan en..

after dinner, we had a sharing and discussion session with the manila tzu qing. it was a nice experience meeting them and they really opened up to us on their obstacles and asked our opinions on ways we could guide them.of course, fam said all the things with some of us chipping in here and there. really happy to be able to know them and its even more touching to hear that many of them have been with tzu chi for so many years ranging from 3-10 years while we are actually so junior with only one year of experience. in short, its a beneficial
learning and sharing session with the other tzu qing...

the next day, we had breakfast at 7am. it was a nice breakfast of sandwiches, cakes and fruits. its my first time eating smashed mushroom sandwich. its cold inside but its nice..keke..yumyum. had my morning coffee, if not, my head would be banging the whole day. after coffee, we went over to the free dental mobile clinic. we didnt do much, but helping around to take blood pressure, temparature and some of them were lucky to assist the dentists. it was a nice experience to be able to be there. we can see that the dentists are
very compassionate and dedicated to their work despite the rain and the lack of facilities. i really admired the dentists for setting up the equipments and arranging the things around them without any fuss or instructing others to do this and that. it showed how humble and modest they are and not showing that they are one level over the rest...oo..ya..forget the important part. i was interviewed by the tzu chi media team..keke..it was embarassing, first
time talking in front of the video recorder in front of me and i hope i didnt do any blunders..oopsie.. unfortunately, i cant view the video sent over via email to me..hmm, just too bad i guess.. anyhow, it was nice meeting uncle willy, paolo and the rest who were very friendly to us..thanx for giving us the opportunity...
after lunch, we headed back to jing si tang. we were pretty exhausted and rested until almost time when shi gu came up and called us down. before departing, we went to the kitchen to take our dinner box and still had the time to eat a piece of freshly steamed hot 'chai kuih'..keke..really love all the shi gu for all their efforts and love for doing and preparing so many things for us..even in the van, on the way to the airport, we were eating a big bowl of hot halo-halo, something like bo bo cha cha but without the santan. it was yummy, i love it..and we were each given a vege bread and 5 packets of dried mango to bring back..so so
so touching.. words really cant describe how thankful i am to them for all the hospatility, the care, the love..all these touched me so deeply inside and made me felt so at home. it reminded me of wat my parents wil do each time when im flying back to sabah, the loads and loads of food and stuff...i love all of the shi gu(s) in manila..hugsssssssssssss

we touched down on lcct around 1am on 17th june 2009. we were all so glad to be back in malaysia...we passed the health screening test in lcct. we went separate ways after taking our luggages. the other four were picked up by their family members while i went over to mcd to rest and waited for my flight to penang at 7am. i talked to my parents for more than 1 hour and then read my book before using my laptop to play some games..i survived the 6hours in lcct alone..yeah... its nothing to me ler, so used with the travelling alone kinda
thing.. but by the time i boarded the plane, i was already drowsy, coz didnt sleep for so many hours and so tired with everything. i dozed off for some time though the flight was only 45-50 minutes.. when the flight landed on penang international airport, i was so much alive. all the tiredness suddenly disappear. after taking my luggage, i pushed the cart out and mum was already waiting for me there and saw dad nearby in the car..so glad to be home..we went for breakfast before going back home..i love my home so much... the feeling
is so unbelievable...after unpacked all my things, its time to start my story telling session with my mum..keke.. certain things cant be shared with dad (winks)..after lunch, i talked to mum till i dozed off. the tired effect finally struck back.. we went out for dinner at a new kopitiam that i havent been before. ate so much..keke...after dinner, dad drove me around town as we were planning for the trip for aldrin and aaron plus fam who will be coming on
saturday...there were new 'happening' places that i didnt even know. what more, i havent even been to the new wing of gurney plaza...gosh...

18th june 2009- after taking mum to the hosp for her biweekly BP monitoring, we went over to pg's jing si tang as i brought back 2 parcels from taiwan to be given to the people there. i had no idea whom should i pass this to, so i just gave to one of the shi gu and left..was a bit clumsy here and there, so i didnt even 'wenshin' when i was there..opppsieeeeee... after breakfast at the market, went to tesco with mum.. its a MUST go place everytime im back..simply love the shopping spree there...keke..as usual, brought some food back..hehe.. but this time a bit 'guai' ady, trying to avoid all the junk food as i had put on
weight in taiwan..(keke..the real thing is, i saw a lot of junk at home ady..keke)..we had lunch at mcd and tapao one set for dad..went back to home after that...and while i was dozing, there was a phone call from my house...i was a bit irritated coz i just received a call from one idiotic mandarin speaking lady who hung up.. i was about to prepare to 'scold' if its the same person but thats when my nightmare started.. the person was calling from lcct or hosp, confirming my address and asked if i was just back from overseas. he said he would call back if there's anything..so, the anxiety and panicky feelings started to accumulate in me and the time when the house phone rang again, i knew my nightmare would be starting..(i was feeling something not right the previous night but i just couldnt tell what..so i guess i got my answer) the other person was confirming my travel history and my whereabouts the past two days..i couldnt stand it anymore and asked them why..so thats when they broke the news..the new 26th H1N1 case was on the same flight with us, the
flight from manila to lcct..they didnt knew the exact person but i received the news this morning from my fren that the person was the philipino guy sitting our front row!!! goodness... thank god we were wearing masks since from hualien. so the officer who came yesterday already knew what 'conversation' i had with his colleague. i was 'bargaining' at that time as i really cant accept the fact of being issued the home quarantine for one week...arh... all the plans and stuff, i really felt so bad for aldrin who will be arriving from bangkok on sat..it took me some time to get back to reality..sigh..what more when im also in
the medical line and knew about the incubation period, the transmission period and stuff..sigh sigh sigh..really felt so miserable..was given the conventional thermometer and face masks. i even have the guts to tell the officer the masks dont help actually and was requesting for the N95 eh..keke..i know im very cheeky..i have the N95 mask actually..keke.. the officer told me he will go back and tell his doctor..keke.. neway, i was made to sign the agreement of home quarantine and if i ever break the rules, i can be charged..sigh..so, have to guai guai lah.. an officer will be coming to my house daily to take
my temparature. they dont want to tell me a fix time as they fear i will be escaping from home before or after they are here...sigh..guess, things happen for a reason.. better start doing my reports..so i can get a full holiday after this quarantine period.. im room quarantining myself and wearing mask at home..i dont wana harm my parents..bro was laughing all the way in puchong..purposely 'perli' me and said hope the new car wil come
during this period so the whole family can go out and leave me alone in the house,,huhu..so bad so bad.. hope things will be allrite to all of us..GOD please bless us all...