should i....

I dunno y im feeling so worried in a way... With palpitations..headache n dizziness.. I havent seen d online sign from him for two days... I just wanted to know..if he is orite... But i dunno if i shud msg him... Shud i???

when...

When wil i b able to hav a proper sleep?? When can i stop thinking... When can i stop worrying... When can i just leave... Im really so tired very very tired indeed... The sleeplessnites for so many months... The never ending flow of tears... The nwver less heartache... Why is it tat i still think of him daily without fail... Why does my heart still long for him... Why do i still miss him so much... When he has move on...when he is now happy wif someone else... When i have now become invisible... It is painful...really painful... When there is so many things i wanna tell u... Yet i choose not to tell u... So tat u wont suffer my pain... Glad everything ur doing is ur family... But i din know why all im doing is still for u... Til at one moment i still visualise u in my own house...our house... Yet i know its an imagination tat wont come true... In a while...u may not rmbr me anymore... But i will always love u... Thou i know u dont love me anymore.. To u...love is temporary... To me our love is foreva..

i juz wish

I just wish ur here .. I jus wish i have someone to hear my pain.. I just wish im not alone in this journey... I just wish u can wipe my tears... I just wish..u are stil my pillar of stength... Yet..it wont happen... It has been silent for this few days... N im supposed to get used to this silence foreva... The heart aches so bad.. The tears stil stream down... Thou it has already been almost 6months... Time will not heal me... Time only made me grow weaker... Time only made me realise i deserve it all... I jus wish its all worth it...

its about time...

Its about time tat dadwill shoo me away from home... He has finally said it tat he would hav jus killed me whemn i was a child if im behaving ike now i am... Wat ever im doing has been deem rude..useless n non appreciative... While he forgot all d things he had done to me... He forgot how he ruined my happiness... Heforgot how he humiliate me in front of my relatives... How he disgrace me to his colleagues. frens n relatives. Wat does he know about all d struggle im going thru... Wat does he know of d pain he made me go thru?? Wat does he know about d tears i shed daily for so many months n its stil flowing?? Wat does he know about me hurting myself for the pain he caused me?? He knows nothing...al he knows wat watever he has done n doing is always right...while i am always wrong... I really wish God wil take me away... Im tired living in this fake life... Even navin who says he wil help me through hs told me its difficult talking to me... I hope he doesnt know wat im going thru was becoz of him..his love tat i have n still believe n ...i always believe my will of staying alone wil b all worth it...holding on But then again...i have lost everything... wat is there to go on living....

painful indeed...

I dint know...all this while he think i was angry wif him... I wasnt n am not angry wif him.. I only realise he think of me this way...when he sent me tat msg saying i am always angry wif him... When i said i am not...he said it is difficult talking to me... It was like a deep stab into my non healing wound... I dint know i am such a difficult person... I only said things from my heart..which is also wrong... I really dont know wat im doing... He doesnt even know how tough im pulling thru... He doesnt even know how i force myself to live daily... He doesnt even know tears were stil rolling daily every nite... He doesnt even know i cant sleep daily..missing him so much... But the msgs he sent me...has finally spoken the truth i guess... I will not burden u anymore... U further made me realise i wasnt worth it to continue living... God..plz take me away...

i dunno anymore...

When u told me the other day tat u wanted to bring me out for dinner... My little heart was jumping with joy... The main reason was...i missed those moments... Thou i know it will b so much difference without u embracing me...without u feeding me... I still wanted to just hav a simple meal wif u... Thou i know i would actually have more tears than joy... But somehow i knew the event wont happen... I still ask for some confirmation... Yet when u said it will b with hold til u sorted it out... I knew it wouldnt tk place anymore... Yes..my heart crushed all over again... But i din wanna tell u but to said its ok... After all...i have to get used to b all alone... I knew u took the effort to call me to continue wif d plan... I really wanted to go...but i know it was not meant to be... It hurt me actually when u hung up... There were not even a goodbye... But i wasnt angry... I was just hurt... Thou u told me u said take care... I din hear it...but even if i hear it..i dint know wat it meant anymore... I really dont know wat im doing... All i know is...everyday i still have tears accimpanying me... Time will heal??? I doubt it will...when..its pain im carrying til i die...

mixed feelings...

Week of mixed feelings... Glad when finally the booking was made... Will b more challenging for me to getd money...tighter expenses.. But i hope it will b all worth it later on... Other than tat...im still feeling so stress up n irritated at home... At times i wish i wont b told of things tat happenened when im not around.. I wish bro is the one who iz listening to all these nonsense at home... Y must he b spared wif all this disturbing news??? Y must i continue listening to all when im already so disturbed n down??? I seriously dont know d purpose of me living anymore... The other day..mum told me something i just dunwanna answer.. She told me i should move on n get married... Tat also coz i told her navin was arranged marriage by his parents... I dont know if he is happy.. But i have a feeling he isnt tat happy... He is trying his best to make me move on.. But its really something i cant do... I really cant force myself from doing this...

weddings...

I just rralise i dont fancy going to weddings anymore... Seeing all d pre-wedding photos... Seeing the exchange of vows... Seeing the happiness in everyone faces... It breaks my heart again... Wif tears rolling down all over... Knowing it was something i hav dream on...but i no longer dream anymore... Knowing so much it was all tat i hav wanted... Yet i can NEVER hav it... I dont think u know wat im going thru biby... I miss u so so much...

worries...

I dont know y is my heart beating irregularly... Tat also coz navin told me he wil b going to kl yoday... I hav tought he is going thete tmr... I hope everything is all rite... N hopefully his business deals go smoothly... I kbow how worried he is when his business din go to well... With all d debts..n d not approved loan for long... I really wish i can help him... But then again... I cant even afford to get myself my own place...my own car...haih.. Wish money wil drop from heaven for both of us... I m really touched n thankful when he assured me he wil b there for me... But is it im so selfish to hold on... Even though he has moved on... Sigh... I really wish God take me away... To safe all the aches tat everyone is suffering coz of me...

disappointment...as expected...

Yesterday was d day i tot i wud have some hope.. A hope of owning my own place.. Someting im so desperate of.. I really need my own space... Im really suffocating daily.. But when i saw d condition of d house... Its really a total disappoinment... I cant imagine staying in such a bad state... Sigh...as expected..ady hav some bad feeling even before going... There goes my dream... Im thankful tat navin is helping me to look out for the houses... Something he doesnt hav any responsibility in doing... Yet i guess it is only him who understands y i desperately need a place of my own... Nevertheless... I dont even know if i shud still msg him... It breaks my heart daily to know he is not mine anymore... He may still care for me like last time... But in d end..one day he wil still leave me..n b wif his wife...his family... Im feeling like a third party...secretly msging him without anyones knowlwdge... I know its terribly wrong... Besides...he is not supposed to take care of me... Im not his burden..not his responsibilities ever... Tears still roll down daily...knowingall his plans are wif someone else... Thpu i cant still imagining life without him... I really dont look forward to anything... Knowing tat...in d end...i wil b alone throughout this journey... Wat does anyone knows about life when ur world came crushing down... Yet...everyday i stil think of him when i wake up n before i go to bed... Im trying not to msg him as much as i cud... Coz i know its not fair for his gf to know this...to know im stil disturbing him...when after all im d one who hurt him d most... When he asked me how come he doesnt feel guilty despite knowing i stil hav such strong feelings... The only thing i can think of is... He doesnt love me anymore... N he just laughed at it... The reasons i cant sleep is so simple... I miss him so much...so so so much... But i cant b telling him

tears all over again...

Sigh... The time when i thought my tears will stop flowing... Tats when the flow of years start pouring down all ovwr again... N this time my eyes are really painful.... God... i dont know if ur listening to me... But plz have mercy when u see me in tears daily... Plz have mercy to see tat im really pulling through very very hard... Plz have mercy to see tat this pain is really unbearable... Plz have mercy to see tat...i love him too much to let him know wat im going thru... My love for him has never change... N hence..if You have seen me in dis deep pain.... Please take me away... After all..he is safe n belong to someone else... Tat was all tat had mattered.. N if im hone...he wont have tat burden to care for a useless person like me anymore... God...i really really am tired... I dont hav the strength to pull thru...

foolishness...

Hmmmmm... Y is it tat the day goes by wif more n more pain... I teally hope to get a peaceful mind...peaceful sleep... Yet it seems to b one of the hardest thing for me to do... At times i really hope to just sleep n dont wake up anymore... As im really really really tired... My mind is really exhausted... My soul is stil lost out sumwhere... I dont know how ppl take break ups so easily... I dont know how ppl can just move on so easily... The main reason im finding this so hard is becoz its not something i wanted... Im forced into doing it... Thou i seriously wish i can turn back time... Instead of giving up..i shud have fought for it.. Coz it was..it is something i jave always wanted.... Y did i lose the battle wif my own emotion??? Y didnt i persevere??? Im one of d foolish person on eart to let go of my faith...my believe...my love...my world.... I seriously dont know how to move on this journey.... I dont know if he really understands wat im going through... After all..he has chose to move on as welll... While i am still holding on despite everything....

headache...

head is throbbing to d max... with d constant lack of sleep... lack of rest to my little tiny brain... i dont even know how im going to survive thru this... its really tiring... im really really tired... i really dunno wat else to do.. n at d same time i feel guilty for burdening my foreva dearest biby... i know he doesnt have any responsibility to take care of me... to b concern over me... yet i dunno wat am i supposed to do... i wasnt angry wif him... but i miss him so much...midsing all d time spent wif him.. something i wont hav d previlege doing again... coz he has belong to someone else... i really feel my brain gonna burst soon...

upset...

sigh... y is it tat memories of us just flow back each time i see his eyes... i didnt know why i was emotional all over.... had a difficult time to sleep ystrday too... kp thinking of navins mother... dunno y it hurts me more when i kp thinking of her... felt so guilty...regretted i din spend more time wif her but went to clinic...sigh i dunno when im gonna b emotionally stable...feels like i wont... feeling upset...really really upset... i really really dunno wats wif me... im just so very very tired.... but wat i have really wanted so badly is ... for him to hug me tightly for a long long time...telling me i wil b alrite...n let me just sleep in his embrace like last time... something which wil never happen anymore... n i deserve it... i wish i can hav a peaceful sleep... something i never had..for a long time...

emotionally...

today was d day...when my emotions are tested again... biby told me his mum wil b in pgh for her physio... thou he said its up to me if i wanna meet her.. but sumwhete sumhow i know he wanted me to meet her... i was planning my strategy.. i din wanted her to know it was an intenional meet... but i was pretty nervous.. checked the place a few times.. then when i finally saw her... i was lost in my words... shock...stunt..yet glad... i hav wanted to meet her just to see how is she... she asked me how i was... that was d time when i went tongue tied...din know wat to answer her... with tears slowly pooling... i hugged her like my own mother n there...crying without shame in public.. i hope i didnt hurt or scare her... but i hope she knows i din mean to hurt her in any way.. i cud see d pain in her eyes.. tat made my heart ache so badly.. knowing tat she had tears after tat..made me felt so bad..really really bad...

it stil hurts...

tiring mind...tiring soul...tiring emo... i wish everything was juz a dream.. a dream tat i dunno whether i wan it to become true or not.. im seriously so drained wif everything... i wish i will jus collapse n end the self torture in me... i tot i was going strong with his help.. but now i know y he din wanns open up... coz it was related to d marriage i wasnt in anymore... d heart felt d terrible pain all over ahain when he mentioned this... it hurts to know the wedding plan once u used to visualised..has actually crumpled... but now its not about me...its more about him...his happiness is so important... i shud b happy for him for he is safe with a better person than me.. but wat makes me sad when he kp saying of my partner..my kids...which will never happen....

hmmmm

i dont know y..i had a few blackouts late at nite..as if my brain was shutting down.. but last nite was d first nite i had a sleep without disturbance...deep sleep without nitemares after such a long time... i dont know was it becoz i finally met. my dearest biby after so long... or was it d hug that he gave me... a hug i long so much... or was it coz i know he still really care for me... thou i may seem to tell him im prepared to b alone... but in reality..im actually very scared... but i know its something i wil b doing without regrets... i din know why mum was so smart.. when she knew the person im buying d knee guard is for him.. i din wanna lie to her.. so i juz told her its for his mother.. i dunno if i shud tell her tat he has belong to someone else.. but i dunno y i din hav that courage to tell her so.. partly coz i dun wan her to worry about me... partly coz i dun wan her to kp telling me to open up when i wont.. i dont know y my heart stil doesnt feel good... i know he is troubled wif many things... but i know he wont open up to me as well... i really hope things wil improve for him..really...

courage...

I din know how come i had tat courage.. To tell him i wanted/insisted for him to hav d knee pad i get for him.. I also din now wat made me to hav tat courage.. To b able to meet him n pass d package... But when i see his face...his eyes .. Tears just came down all over again.. I had to leave at d moment.. I din wan him to see me cry... But he took d effort to find me wif his bike ..no..not his bike..someone elses bike.. Found me wif tears.. The 10-15mins session was more like him seeing me crying... I darent even look into his eyes... I duno y it was painful all over.. Im thankful when he gave me tat hug..his final hug to me i suppose.. But tears were streaming even more.. I dont know if i can stil talk to him thou he said i can.. Im stil lost wif everything.. But wat im sure is.. My decision to stay alone n not open up wil remain.. Coz no one can replace him in my life.. This sacrifice for him wil b worth it..i hope it wil...

why...

Why did memories of him keep flowing bk? Why did my tears start streaming down all over again? Why did d heart ache all over again... Why do i still miss him so much... Why cant i move on... Why cant i b so strong like him... Why cant i just snap n stand up again... I cant n dont know the exact answer..but all i know is i still love him n will always love him... I stil care n will always care for him... I held on..n wil stil hold on despite everything... Call me stupid..but this is my promise n life sacrifice for the person i truly love..

seriously tired

Im just tired...mentally...emotionally...physically...

weird feelings

I wasnt sure if it was a dream... But i rmbr i wasnt able to sleep.. But y is it there are some weird feeling tat im feeling.. Yet i dunno wat is causing it... I dont think there are anything left tat i din tell him.. But i know it was plain stupidity of me to open up again..when i shudnt.. But there isnt anymore else to lose...since i have lost everything... Im tired in a way..really really tired.. Wif the many days of crying...d heartache.. d pain.. Only to realise he was giving me tat ' i dont care a shit' attitude... Thou he said he cares...but it means nothing when i dont feel it..

choose the person u love..n love the person u chose...

choose the person u love..n love the person u chose... This was d sentence tat caught my attention during my clinic sesson in neuro clinic wif dr eow a wonderful neurologist wif such a kind soul...the short session with her really made me think back how stupid i was... Why did i let myself to b hurt?? Why did i waste my tears?? Why did i make my heart ache?? Why did i make myself suffer over something?? Her words caught my attention.. We cant change the past but we can plan for the future.. How she advised the patient of doing something without fear so tat he doesnt carry d regret to his grave.. Made me realise again... Yes i regretted d decision i made for breaking up for my parents... But i have told him wat i was going through n everything he made me believed n trusted which made me suffer so much of pain coz of his words...and so..i hav no regrets anymore...i hav told him wat are my feeling...wat are in my heart..i hav done wat i am capable of doing... he has made his decision as well..but i sincerely hope his current gf doesnt know tat to him falling in love is so easy...n to him love is temporary... coz it made me realise this is NOT wat love is all about.. the sentence choose d person u love n love the petson u love.. i will carrying on. loving him coz i chose to love him..its ok if ppl think im stupid but to me..i hav chose him.. i wont open up anymore coz i have given up on wat love is all about..trusting n believing in someone wil not happen again..coz i wil b the stupidest gal on earth to let myself to b hurt again... He said i dont give a shit to him when he was going thru such emotional period...but i was wondering if he gave a shit to wat i am going thru n will b going thru all my life... wat does i wil b thete means when it was only words but no actions?? My dearest biby... I may still love u...i may stil care for u... But i wont make myself suffer anymore coz of u... As u said i dont deserve u at all.. As u said u dont know y i came into ur life.. I hav since realise it wasnt love anymore... Love isnt temporary.. love is eternal.. It was u who doesnt know wat loves mean... But u have taught me valuable lesson... Tat is NEVER to open up..trust or believe anymore

its ruined...

I hav learnt tat life is just full of lies.. I will b d stupidest person to let myself being ruined.. But i hav to thank all d ppl who said they care for me.. Wat is care when all their actions are meant to hurt me?? Ppl who gave me nothing but empty promises... Ppl who simply like to use the 'sentence'.. I will b thete for u if u need me... If u really care for a person... U dont need to just b there when they need u... Arent u suppose to b there when they dont need u to? Not everyone is a drama queen.. If u really wanna b there for someone..u dont wait til ur asked to b there... So..its just bullshits saying u wil b thete but in reality ur not... Temporary is a word i learnt recently... I dont know y i believed everything n trusted everything... Only to b told it was temporary... But then i hav to realise this great teaching... Coz it made me realise theres no point to move on... After all...i stop believing.. I lost in faith.. I dont remember wat happy means anymore... Its already so painful knowing the person u love..believe n trusted no longer love u... Its even more painful to know when he question y did u came to his life?i Its ok he doesnt know all this pain im going thru coz of him... I have 'lost' my family... I have 'lost' a place call home... I have lost the person whom i wanted to spend my life wif.. I have lost the dream i was made to believe... I have lost the precious thing in me..in which i believed him to giv him to.. I have lost a future i thought i had... I dont need anyone to tell me time wil heal... Coz i wish time wil juz stop for me... I dont need anyone to tell me they believe i wil have my happiness.. When i dont even know wat happy means anymore.... I dont need anyone to tell me wat is love anymore... Coz i know love is just bullshits... Im living coz im living.. I dont look forward to anything coz theres nothing to look forward to.. Welcome back to the old self..full with darkness...loneliness..n bitterness.. Im only meant to live like tat...

loser...

Im really really really so tired... Loser suits me moat..when i hav list everything... The person i love... Ihe person who taught me all about love.. The person who was my pillar my strength..my heart beat...my soul... I believed everything he said.. I believed so much of wat he said... I believed he was who i hav wanted.. Yet he didnt realise he took the most oriceless thing i had... Yet wat he only rmbr was i left... But he didnt know i was holding on all d while.. i was not allow to speak.. i was not allow to talk yo him.. He forgot how i hold on when he left... He forgot how i hav trusted everything tat he said... He forgot tat he was my everythin... Y does he hav to make me believe in so many things...only to crash it down after tat... I din cheat on him...i always believe he was my only one after he corrected me tat he was my first bf but now..all left is me alone...i know it...how i wish i will die fast...real fast

wat is care...

I only meant to care...nothing else..... But y my small favour was being rejected..n questioned as if im gonna destroy him... I know very well i have lost him... He wont b back wif me... All i can do is to care for him... Is caring for him prohibited?? Is it wrong to care for him?? This further made me realise im alone in this journey... In which im losing my strength..n not wanting to live anymore... If anything happen to me... I guess no one bothers... not even him after all..he had moved on...

pretending..lying

I know i am jus lying to myself... When i told him he shudnt msg me.. My heart was more than ever longing to hear tat beep...to see his name on d msg list... I was lying to him..pretending i was strong.. Pretending to him i can move on.. Pretending to him i hav prepared to b alone.. But the truth is..i havent..i cant move on.. I stil wait for his lil msg... But i know it wont come.. I stil wait for his lil care.. Yet i know i hav pushed him away again.. I stil wish to catch a glimpse of him from far.. But i darent even step into d place im quite familiar... I stil wish i can meet him... But i know even if he sees me in tears... he wont offer me the hug which i long so much to have... A person who taught me so much about loving someone..is also d same person who told me love is temporary... Then y am i stil crying daily.. Y cant i breathe nowadays.. Y is my chest so heavy.. y is there a sharp pain inside

endless tears...

I duuno y..but tears are just streaming down as if theres no tomorrow... I dont know how im going to pull throughi know is...i cant msg him anymore.. he musnt know how much im hurt..he musnt know how devastated i am.. he musnt know im already ruined...now my tummy starts rejecting my food intake...nex wil be my eyes wif the constant tears..optometrist has warned me i can go blind..yet i cant stop d tears..wif my heart aching so much more.. i wish i hav tat stength to ruin the inner core tat kept my heart pumping or sedatives tat wil just shut my brain off.. i wish i can do it soon...

love is temporary...

I dunno wat im doing is wat i wan... I dunno wat im doing is right or wrong... But i just know msging him is wrong... After all im d one who has hurt him so much... Initially i was happy...a feeling i havent felt for so long... Yet an inner voice told me everything im doing to b in contact is wrong.. He has moved on with some one else... A person who for sure has better n fine qualities compared to me... A person who made him feel wanted..while i was the one who kept pushing him away i feel like a third party for msging him...a total big bitch is more like it... When he told me he wanted to meet me... My heart skipped...the old memories come bk... But nevetheless..i know its wrong...very very wrong.. I cant b possibily b seen wif him...not after he is seeing someone else... I know how hurt his new gf is going to be i have no rites in anything else anymore.. When i finally hav the guts to tell him tat he shudnt risk anything else for me coz im just not worth it... He replied...ok..it it was my decision.. I din know y tat answer added to d wound in my heart... I guess coz i finally realise something i was denying... It was NOT love anymore for me... I was in denial when he told me love was only temporary... I always believe true love last foreva n eternal... Tats coz i will love him til d end.. I wont promise to tk care... Coz i cant seem to b able to do so... Not after..u..my biby..my world..came crashing down... But i jus hope at least i wil keep u in me for eternal... May u b blessed til d end... U deserve it..

its sad

Its really painful daily... But he has been there for me despite all tat i have done... It breaks my heart ... Coz i know its wrong to do this... Yet y cant i stop msging him??.. Y is it tat im hating myself even more daily??? I really dont know wat else i shud do... Im lost in everything... He told me today not to ruin myself.. But i really dont look forward to anything.. It seems so empty...so dark.. N...i jus dunno wat else i shud do... I hav lost faith... I dont believe my prayers wil b answered... Im really pathetic....

my heart still ache so bad...

I dont know y i feel so wrong..
But i cant stop myself from replying..
Y i still look forward for his msgs..
Y does my heart still long for him..
Thou i know he has moved on..
Its not fair for him..his gf...
I feel like a bitch for behaving like this..
I shudnt hav blurted out..
Y y did i further hurt him more..
He is not supposed to suffer anymore coz of me..
He deserve d best in everything..
I jus feel like drowning myself...
Since no one bother about me..except him..
But then he already has someone else..
Im sure one day..he will eventually forget about me...who...
I seriously dont know wat to do...

poured out..

i didnt expect to receive a msg from him...
not after when he has moved on..
telling me all the things that had happened..
reminding me of all the things i have done..and how i left..
reminding me of how i pushed him away..
reminding me that...i was a fool to myself..
telling me that..love is only temporary..
while i still hold on to the love..i always tot..did happened..

i dont know why..
why did i pour out all..
the things i promised to keep quiet..
the things i promised he wont know foreva..
the things never meant for him to know..
im hating myself even more..
could never even think of forgiving myself..

the my only biby...
u are right...
u have moved on..
u shud hate me..
to make this easier for u..
after all i hav hurt u..wounded u and killed u...
its ok u dont know what i hav went thru..
its ok u tot i hav moved on..
its ok u tot i was simply strong and left just like that..
u were never meant to know how much im going thru..
u were never meant to know how much i was holding on..
u were never meant to know how i have tied myself to the ring..
but im sorry i blurted it all out..
im really really really sorry....

God certainly loves u more than me..
coz HE answers all the prayers i beg Him for u..
im just curious why didnt HE listen to my prayers for miracles..
im losing purpose in life..
now..im losing faith in everything..
after all...
i know the journey is all about darkness..loneliness..
i lost my sunshine..
i lost my moonlight..
i lost my rainbow...
basically i lost my world.....
tell me how i shud live..
tell me how i shud live..
just pray that HE takes me away...
at least if next time anyone asked u about me..
can just said.."o..she died"...

EX...

i dont know if he means this with all his actions of lately...but i feel it...bleeding all over...

more salt to the wound...

it was already so painful..
when i was told that he was already seeing someone..
why..why is it that i can still see his posts..
when he had already deleted me from his fren's list??
it was so so hurt...
to see him saying all those words..
calling other ppl sweetheart...
telling the other person how his heart melt..
telling the other person how she is the one that can only made him feel that...
wasnt this something u told me before biby??
how could u forget just like that...??
i dont know was it that u did this on purpose...
but it certainly breaks me even more..
when my soul already has been torn apart..

i can still remember..
u telling me how u cant picture ur life without me...
but now u made me feel like a fool..
coz u have already pictured ur life without me..
u have even told ppl u will be married nex year..
something u told me wont happen...

i guess its only me..
it has always been ONLY me..
who hav prayed...still praying..and will always pray..
not to be blessed with any other person...
coz u are someone i have wanted to be with for the rest of my life..
even thou u already hav someone new...
i dont think i can move on..
not after all the time we hav spent together..
with the memories so vivid..
like it happened  just ystrday...
the way u hugged me..the conversations we had...and everything..
i really really miss u so much...

its still pouring..

cried so much..
yet the tears just wouldnt stop flowing..
somehow mother nature seems to hear the tears..
with heavy rains once a while..
yet..i dont know when it wil stop flowing...

wat matter most to me..
has always been for him..
and will always b for him..
praying for him..
has always been my compulsory thing to do daily..
and will always be the compulsory thing to do..
i was told..time will heal..
yet i know it wont heal..
coz the scar remains even when i breathe my last breath..
i forgot the so many meanings in life..
coz..he is/ was my world..
and when it came crashing down..
it is beyond words...

i no longer bother caring for myself..
and i just realise..
i was indeed on and off sick many times the past few months..
but i really didnt bother much of it..
coz its a punishment to me..
as..i can NEVER forgive myself..ever...

one day..u will forget about me..my name..who?

valentine's day...
was a day all couples was looking forward to..
spending some really good time with ur loved ones..
yet i had only memories with me..
memories of the time spent with him..
how we had our time in the bowling alley..
watching movie..and most of all..we spent a quality time together...
my heart was aching..
as i miss him so much up to this day..
yet i can only keep it to myself...

however..16 february 2013..
after 2 months of no news from him..
he messaged me telling me..
he was match made with someone else..
and he is truly happy about it..
i am happy for him..
yet i dont know why..
my heart was aching even more..
my tears were rolling down like waterfall...
yet only me myself know how painful it is..

from the start..
he thought i was moving on..
it was best for him to think that way..
coz i know holding him beside me..
will only caused him more pain..more hurt..
all the worries..all the burden i put on him..
something i wish i dont have to see it on him...
when we met during his bday..
i was so hurt...seeing the tears in his eyes..
i hav so much wanted to just hug him..hold his hands..and wipe the tears away...
he told me before..
he was crying in pain...
yet..i dont have the heart to tell him..
i AM still crying in pain...
im glad his tears hav dried up..
while mine are still pouring down daily...

he told me before..
he might not be able to find someone else...
he told me before..he is not the type to just let go and be with someone else..
but knowing he found someone else..
i should be happy for him..
coz i pray and beg GOD to bless him with someone better than me...
yet why i feel so much more wounded..
yet why i feel so painful...very very very painful...

he said i should be happy...
but i didnt know what happy means anymore...
i hardly smile...coz i lost the reason to smile..
i no longer look forward to anything..
coz there was no reason to look forward to..
i wish i hav someone to support me..
yet i know i hav no one to even bother about me..
going back to my old self is the best choice..
since i hav prepared to be alone..
and loneliness..darkness have always been my best companions...
it was EASY for him to move on..it was only 4 months ago...
but i certainly know..it will NOT be easy for me to move on..
it may take years...or maybe a life time...
coz i know i cant call any other ppl with the affection i hav called him..
it was even more painful to see him calling others wat he had called me previously..
i cant have anyone treating me like he did..
and i hav prepared to NOT be with anyone else...
yet..he doesnt know anything about it...
the love..care..affection..understanding .he showered on me..
can NEVER be replaced...

i will continue praying for u.. my only biby..
ur happiness means a lot to me..
at least i now know ur happy with someone else..
i hope GOD will bless u with happiness always..
and hope everything goes smoothly after that...
one day..u will forget about me..my name..who?
it will be the best punishment for me...
for hurting u n causing u so much of pain...
that i cant even forgive myself..even though u may hav forgiven me..

i dint expect to receive a msg from u..

since u told me that we shouldnt keep in touch at the moment..

i was lost in words when u told me..

u would wan me to see me with another man..

and u wil b with ur wife and child..

i really didnt know wat to say..

but i knew tears were rolling down at the moment..

i stil cant imagine being with someone else..

i dont know if i can ever be with someone else again..

but im praying hard u will be with someone else..

how u wanted children of ur own..

how u will love both ur wife and children...

i wish it will come true for u..

coz u DESERVE all of this..

seeing all the photos u took recently with ur sister and bros..

im happy that u smile with them..

i knew it was a genuine smile..

i hope that the smiles continue for as long as it is..

im glad u hav them to b there for u..

i miss those moments spent with u..and them..

but all left..are just painful memories for me..

i always wish u the best..

viral bug

i guess its fated..
the day when things go wrong..
when viral bug just attacked me at the right time..
made me worse than anything..
feeling so weak and helpless..
with fever and shivering..
with super throbbing headache..
which lead me to seeking MC..
and unfit for work..

feeling so weak..
made me realise that..
this is gonna be my life for as long as it goes..
no one to bother..
no one to care..
but nevertheless..
i will always remember that..
it is ALL MY FAULT..
no one to blame..

happy new year..

i dont know why..
but the ache is still there..
no matter wat i do..
no matter how i try not to think..
the memory will just flow..
it seems its just there..

everything that happened..
just reminds of him even more..
how could i pull through..
when the journey seems so hard..
everyone said time will tell..
but how long does it take..
its really affecting me so deeply..
yet i know theres nothing much i can do..
but move forward..
to not contact him no matter wat..
to not even let him think of me..
to let him just forget about me..
and continue praying..
for GOD to guide and care for him..
thats the least i could do for a this special person..
whom i wont hav the chance to be with me..
but to watch him from afar..